Book Review: Forced Gay By The Swamp Monster

Author: Clara Bright
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

Those of you kind enough to read this blog will have noticed that I’ve been quite quiet of late, but for a while I’ve really wanted to get back into my blogging. My brain’s too addled to focus on a movie and I’m a bit off from finishing the book I’m actually quite enjoying, so I decided to kick start myself with a little light smut. After browsing through my collection of unread filthy tissues that would put my mother in an early grave I settled on Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster because it combined the two things I really needed at that stage: outlandish, bizarre sex and a very small page count.

The Plot

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

Matt’s a researcher in an undisclosed field working with Dr Hall, a distinguished researcher in a distinguished undisclosed field. The two of them are busy trekking through an unnamed marsh in an unspecified region of what may be America in search of an unnamed flower that was a very important component in a fertility rite of an unrevealed native people. Nice move Ms Bright, let your audience imagine their own setting.

When Matt goes off on his own to try and cover more ground he comes across the electric-blue flower that the two researchers are looking for, but the flower is only the tip of the iceberg here. You see, the flower’s attached to a very extensive (and, as will become apparent, very horny) plant, which quickly entwines Matt and drags him off to what admittedly sounds like a fairly serene little area. I mean, if I was going to be physically invaded by a flower I’d at least appreciate it if it did it to me somewhere with a nice atmosphere.

The world of Amazon erotica has taught me that there are many types of plants that want to have their way with you, but I’ll give props to this one for being different – it has the beauty of a rose but the skills of a well-seasoned whore.

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

The Writing Style

This was actually quite surprising because Clara Bright writes with a level of skill well above her subject matter. There were a few errors here and there but those I felt were more from a lack of a thorough proofread than anything else. I also quite enjoyed Ms Bright’s rather extensive vocabulary, rather than being subjected to the usual barrage of synonyms for “rock hard” and “cock”. As this was a gay piece of erotica I was also spared the usual litany of slopping snatches and gushing juices.

I do hope that Ms Bright finds a way to write actual books in the future, because she is clearly better than this.

The Feelings

Piqued interest and sadness.

The more stuff I read for this blog the more convinced I become that I’m just lazy in the bedroom. While I can honestly say my mind has never pondered nor fantasised about the possibility of being ravished by a taproot, what is oddly impressive here is that because Clara Bright can actually write Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster is the closest thing I’ve come to while reading for this blog that was actually erotic, hence my piqued interest. It waned rapidly when it turned out that the plant (there is no actual swamp monster in this pamphlet) likes to get a little kinky, but not wanting to have sentient twigs shoved down my urethra is purely a personal preference.

What made me sad was that as I read this and glimpsed beyond the sexual advances of a blue-balled weed I saw some real writing potential in Ms Bright. I think it’s quite remarkable that a person, given the subject matter and maybe 20 pages to work with, can actually come up with something halfway erotic.

Ms Bright must desperately need to pay rent.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10

 

Book Review: Wet Hot Bears

Author: Theo Stone
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

OK, to be entirely honest the only reason I read this particular toilet tissue was because I misread the title as “We Hot Bears” and thought this was going to be some kind of spin on the three wise men. I got it kind of right – there were three men, but what was going on had absolutely nothing to do with wisdom.

The Plot

Rarely is the plight of the gym cleaner made more startlingly clear than in Theo Stone’s masterpiece Wet Hot Bears. Dexter’s a struggling student working a cleaning job at a gym where people throw up after they get off the treadmill a lot. Not only is this degrading, but it cuts into his time that would normally be spent attending to a more primal urge: masturbation (or “wanking”, in Dexter’s vernacular). After his boss tells him that he needs to work night shift Dexter silently resigns himself to yet another evening where his glistening love rod must go unwanked.

But that’s not to say that there aren’t perks to working the night shift, since Dexter does get an opportunity to spy on two slightly older, hairier men (or “bears”) who are busy working out late into the night. Dexter himself is an otter (a bear in training), and the sight of these two hairy beasts of men sends all the blood in his body in a southerly direction.

Deciding that it might be a bit odd to stare at two people working out Dexter decides to hit the showers to wash away the dirt and grime of the day. Brett and Andy, the bears, also need a shower (with a happy ending) and are going to take all that post-workout testosterone out on dear little Dexter’s frightened rosebud. Well, frightened at first, screaming shortly afterwards.

The Writing Style

I’m fairly convinced that Theo Stone wrote this while having a series of minor strokes.

For about 80% of the book (or 13.6 of the total 17 pages) everything is written fine and you can follow the story (shaggy though it may be) with little difficulty. It’s the other 20% that’s quite remarkable, where sentence structure, good grammar, and important words and clauses are simply thrown out the window like a screaming child when its mother’s having an off day.

While the missing pieces don’t exactly make Wet Hot Bears difficult to understand (anyone with a passing knowledge of pornographic threesomes will be able to follow this through to its conclusion), it troubles me that the state of the American economy is such that authors need to persevere through their strokes just to make ends meet. Something must be done so that no other erotica writer has to suffer in the same way that Theo Stone has suffered.

The Feelings

Like I have a hairball.

There’s not an awful lot to say about this pamphlet – if you like the idea of hairy men banging you in the shower and you can overlook the inconsistent writing style then you could probably get your rocks off by reading this. If you prefer more cleanly shaven men to bang you in the shower then I would suggest looking elsewhere to fulfill your soapy desires. If it’s the shower that’s the problem, and you don’t really mind what kind of man is banging you, then unfortunately you’re out of luck because the shower really is the fourth man in this story.

My search for a three wise men gay erotic novel continues…

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Wet Hot Bears at Amazon.com

 

Book Review: Trump Temptations

Author: Elijah Daniel
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2016

I have read some disgusting erotica for this blog: hucows, gay unicorns, gay raptors, that guy who came too much, a veritable smorgasbord of filth and depravity to cater to your every deviant need. But there was a topic that I would never have tempted the Fates to convert into erotica: Donald Trump. I don’t know if fate had anything to do with this, but alcohol and Elijah Daniel have conspired to create something that your most primeval nightmares couldn’t have conjured up: the image of Donald Trump’s naked ass.

I’ve followed Elijah Daniel (a.k.a. @aguywithnolife) on Twitter for ages, and found it hilarious when American news sites took a few of his tweets jokingly implying that he and Trump had had a sexual encounter and actually ran with it (as a side note, you Americans really need to come right). So, when he announced that he was going to get drunk and write some Trump erotica, my brain’s first reaction was “Oh sweet baby Jesus please don’t do this to me!”; once I got over the initial instinctual response to remove myself from danger’s path, I dutifully bought this little toilet tissue and gave it a read.

And that’s something I can never undo.

The Plot

In 2012 our unnamed main character (let’s call him Elijah for the sake of simplicity) had a fateful encounter while working at the Trump Hotel in Hong Kong: he got to meet Donald Trump himself. The sheer site of this hell creature with the bad toupee sent shockwaves right through Elijah’s body, finally settling on his throbbing penis.

We all remember that one person who really wasn’t all that attractive but who we nevertheless wanted to throw down on the floor and do unspeakable and un-Christian things to: Donald Trump is the 7th Circle of that memory. With none of his own hair and spray tan everywhere, there’s just something about The Donald that drives Elijah crazy.

So when Donald unexpectedly invites Elijah up to his room that evening, Elijah’s thrilled. Decked out in a brand new suit that accentuates all that is good and doesn’t entirely show off his raging boner, Elijah makes his way up to the penthouse for a night of passionate, retch-inducing sex. But Donald has something else, something quite surprising that he wants to show Elijah. Quite surprising indeed.

The Writing Style

Look, Elijah Daniel’s no great writer, but if we consider that this is Donald Trump erotica (for fuck’s sake) and that the author was pissed out of his bracket when he wrote it, then it’s actually quite accomplished.

Accomplished in the sense that it’s understandable while maintaining that “I’m gonna make you throw up” feeling throughout. Granted Trump Temptations is only 20 pages long, so it isn’t like we were going for Tolkien-esque imagery or imagination here, but I don’t think that the world needs more than 20 pages of Trump erotica. Keep these 20 pages to say that, as a collective, mankind has written such a work, and let us never speak of it or attempt to replicate this feat again.

The Feelings

Amused and psychologically scarred.

To be fair there isn’t actually a whole lot of erotica going on beyond hearing about Elijah’s raging blood sausage and the site of Donald’s ass in pants (like a stack of pancakes, I’m told); what will hold your morbid fascination is the unrelenting, appalling thought that you may be subjected to Donald Trump getting it on with a bellboy in literary form. And that fear is more gripping and more damaging to the psyche than the reality ever could be.

On the up side Trump Temptations does contain some of the best descriptions I think I’ve ever come across in a book, erotic or otherwise (“His hands felt like an old dried out gingerbread house” or “So many questions racing through my mind, like a cool teenager on heelys in a mall”) – it gets points for that alone (although it, in turn, will be receiving the bill from my therapist).

This is the sort of literary drivel that no person with a shred of human dignity would waste time reading. Thankfully I’m all out of dignity, and I hope you are too.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Trump Temptations at Amazon.com

 

Book Review: The Man Who Came Too Much

Author: Ellie Saxx
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2012

Education, my dear reader, is the key to everything. It will lift you up, empower you in your career, and allow you to pursue those mental avenues that leave you feeling intellectually stimulated and challenged. To an extent I think that we’ve all, at some point, either taken part in, or been witness to, the size vs girth argument that has plagued men for years. This fascination and preoccupation with size and girth, however, leaves little room for considering what we as individuals would do if placed in a situation where we were being unexpectedly bukkaked by a single man. With this in mind I bravely read Ellie Saxx’s treatise The Man Who Came Too Much to see if it could shed any light on these previously unexplored avenues of thought.

The Plot

Chet Flood is a man with a unique problem (or talent, depending your personal proclivities): of average length and girth and testicles he himself describes as being the size of small lemons, he is nevertheless able to fill entire mason jars with the semen from a single ejaculation. This confused him as a teenager and later left him with visible bruising at the hands of some blonde female who really did give it the old college try, but sadly just wasn’t quite able to keep up.

As Chet comes to realise that he’s gay he also learns that men are perhaps more open-minded and willing when it comes to what he can offer in the boudoir. But love, while truly a many-splendoured thing, also takes a long time to find. Chet has to wade his way through several lovers (while the lovers wade their way through something else entirely) that treat him as either a fetish or something that will go viral on Pornhub before he meets Rodney, who takes him just as he is.

And the only way to describe the way Rodney takes it is with superhuman capability. I personally don’t know of anyone who would forego the oxygen they need to live (not in a serious way, anyway) for the dick they happen to find themselves on the other end of, but here you have it. I salute you Rodney for your ability to make industrial vacuum cleaners seem underpowered, and wish you and Chet nothing but the best for the future.

The Writing Style

Surprisingly competent.

The whole pamphlet (totalling 19 pages) is written from a first-person perspective, which isn’t the easiest thing to pull off. In this genre it’s also something incredibly rare to see people attempt, let alone master. Given the limitations of her subject matter, Ellie Sax has done a very good job here.

Whilst not necessarily a critique, anyone who reads this looking for a fetish story isn’t going to walk away feeling very satisfied. The Man Who Came Too Much is actually fairly sedate erotica with a slightly saltier ending and those of you in a kinkier mood would do best to look elsewhere.

The Feelings

Sticky and concerned.

Far be it for me to judge any person for what they deem to be sexually attractive or what they like to do/have done to them in the bedroom. That being said, I couldn’t help but feel that someone should give Chet some loving advice. Like go see a doctor. Eat less protein. Stop storing your baby juice in mason jars – that shit isn’t gonna keep. Again, not to judge, but I sure as shit wouldn’t put the milk and cheese in the fridge next to enormous containers of someone’s sperm.

If nothing else at least Chet’s helping the economy out. I can’t begin to imagine what his pineapple budget must be, but some farmers will be able to comfortably set up trust funds for their great-grandchildren if this book is anything to go by.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy The Man Who Came Too Much at Amazon.com

 

Book Review: Unicorn Made Me His Bae

Author: Hunter Fox
Genre: Erotica / Fantasy
Published: 2015

At some point Tropical Mary and I really need to stop daring one another to read these trashy little toilet tissues, because at this rate someone is going to get seriously hurt. This latest blow to my psyche came after I gently insisted that she read some biblical erotica, which apparently didn’t bring her any closer to God.

Unicorn Made Me His Bae is the literary equivalent of being surprise butt fucked by Ke$ha: it comes out of nowhere, it’s incredibly uncomfortable while it’s happening, and because everything’s covered in glitter that’s somehow supposed to make it all better. Well guess what Mr Fox? The glitter doesn’t make it better!

The Plot

Liam is just a southern boy with his Levi’s on and an open heart, the type that wishes he could save the world, like he was Super Girl. He used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love, but lately he’s been jaded because life got so complicated.

And by complicated I mean that he walked into a room to find his drunken best friend sucking off his good-for-nothing boyfriend. Devastated and heartbroken Liam gives Garrett a call to come rescue him from this awful situation. Garrett’s Liam’s oldest and bestest unicorn friend, a giant hulk of a thing that proceeds to hoof whip the ever-loving shit out of Liam’s soon-to-be ex. This manifestation of unbridled, bestial masculinity makes Liam feel safe and secure, and he invites Garrett over to dinner at his family’s place to say thank you.

But dinner’s the last thing on their minds that night, and the two find themselves alone in an orange grove. Here Liam realises just how much he loves his unicorn friend, and when Garrett speaks it’s like a song, and just like that all Liam’s walls come down. It’s like a private joke, just meant for them to know. They relate to each other naturally, and everybody else just fades away. Sometimes it’s hard for Liam to breathe, just knowing Garrett found him.

It’s also hard for Liam to breathe because his once-tight asshole is now being stretched to inconceivable limits by a colour-changing unicorn dick. But what’s important is that beyond that dick that laughs in the face of natural order, there’s a lot of love between these two. Because now that Liam’s with Garrett he can let his hair down. He can say anything crazy, knowing that Garrett’ll catch him right before he hits the ground. With nothing but a T-shirt on, Liam’s never felt so beautiful, baby as he does now. Now that he’s with Garrett.

The Writing Style

In a surprising twist to the usual way these things go, this one was actually quite well written. It’s never going to win any prizes (unless there are awards for this kind of literature, in which case I want exact details about when they take place), but for what it is it’s fantastic. There are a few mistakes here and there, but these could have been easily fixed had Mr Fox given the manuscript one last proof read before publishing the thing.

In my adventures with this blog, which thus far have included gay raptors, straight raptors, horny zombies, lactating hucows and werewolves a’ pistoning, Mr Fox is, at the time of writing, the most capable of committing a thought to paper.

The Feelings

Confusion.

As a rule I don’t generally like to re-read any of these literary atrocities, but this one had me so damn confused I had to go over it again to prove that I wasn’t the one losing it. Here’s what I managed to figure out about what Garrett looks like:

1. He’s a unicorn.
2. But he walks upright.
3. But he has four legs.
4. He has a human chest, complete with rippling abs and pecs so big you could tit fuck them.
5. But he’s really hairy.
6. He has a horn that changes colour depending on his mood.
7. His eyes are a glittery pink colour.
8. He has hooves instead of hands and feet.
9. But he can hold hands with a human, as well as jack off a human male.
10. He has a unicorn’s head.
11. But he has lips and is completely capable of making out with a human.
12. His penis is magical and self-lubricating.
13. His penis changes colour. I assume this is also dependent on mood.
14. The first ejaculation is a silvery-purple colour.
15. The second ejaculation contains gold nuggets.

Also, in small towns its very taboo for humans and unicorns to be together. That’s why Liam and Garrett need to be secret baes (their words, not mine). It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet if Shakespeare had dropped some acid and tried to proposition a horse.

You wouldn’t think that someone could squeeze all of that and several references to Liam’s heightened sense of stretched out ecstasy in just 19 pages, but Hunter Fox really did give it his all. That still doesn’t mean I would recommend it to anyone, but considering the very low bar that’s been set on this blog he’s doing alright for himself.

My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy Unicorn Made Me His Bae at Amazon.com

 

Book Review: Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom

Author: Brian Olsen
Genre: Sci-Fi / Comedy
Published: 2013

I like a lot of things in life. I like books. I like books with long titles. I like books with long titles that are a little absurd. I like books with long titles that are a little absurd and in some way involve an underdog. I like books with long titles that are a little absurd, in some way involve an underdog, and promise a lot doom. So, what’s not to love about a book with a long title that’s a little absurd, in some way involves an underdog, and promises a lot doom in the way that Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom does?

I’d never heard of Brian Olsen before and, as is my monthly just-before-pay-day ritual, I was browsing the Kindle store’s variety of free books to tide me over when I came across this little beauty. I would have read it irrespective of the content just for its title, but what began as an adventure in me being cheap ended up being a really fun read that I would recommend to everyone. Because who doesn’t enjoy a book with a long title that’s a little absurd, in some way involves an underdog, and promises a lot doom? Nobody, that’s who.

The Plot

Alan Lennox, Caitlin Ross, Mark Park and Dakota Bell are four friends and roommates trying to live the American Dream. Well, not really, they’re all just trying to do enough to pay rent, but that’s beside the point. Dakota works for Amalgamated Synergy, a giant corporation that has its fingers in virtually every pile imaginable. The odd thing, though, is that Dakota has nothing to do. She’s paid enormous amounts of money to work in a department that has no assignments and no goals. Not that most would have a problem with this subsidised down-time, but Dakota’s not one of those people. Dakota begins to investigate, and things start getting strange.

Caitlin, an actress in the singer/dancer/model/actress/waitress sense, is invited to read the phonetic alphabet for an undisclosed Amalgamated Synergy project. Mark, a personal trainer, discovers that his gym has just been bought out by Amalgamated Synergy. Alan discovers that he’s been hired by Amalgamated Synergy to temp in place of someone who hasn’t left, but who is then subsequently murdered by his best friend. Then there’s Alan’s new squeeze who, coincidentally, happens to be defending the programmer of a game called Work It, a game that is now owned by Amalgamated Synergy. To the four friends, it all just seems a little too much to be complete coincidence.

To get to the bottom of why Amalgamated Synergy has taken such an interest in their lives and what insidious plans are in the making, the four will need to make sure that their collective brains and occasional sexual prowess are up to the task. This will include Mark having to fight off the advances of a deranged woman named Pickle, Alan having a date at a drag bar, Caitlin having to fight off an angry mob and the shenanigans of a very seductive Christian lady in a hardcore lesbian bar, and Dakota being the only one who seems to be able to avoid getting into any serious trouble.

The Writing Style

For someone who doesn’t have a lot of books under his belt Brian Olsen is very good at writing in a way that’s a dream to read. Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom is one of those books that you’re a little annoyed at when you get to the end and think that it was far too short, and then check to realise that it was actually 300+ pages. The version I had very minor grammatical and spelling errors, but not so bad as to detract from the story and certainly nothing that the e-book’s free price tag won’t allow you to overlook.

The plot twist at the end that explains what’s going on didn’t exactly grab me. Not because it’s necessarily a bad ending, but because there weren’t enough clues leading up to it that would hint at this was where everything was going. It made sense in the overall context of the book, but it did nevertheless feel like 1/3 of a deus ex machina. Still, this should not override everything else that the book does right, and I’m still looking forward to reading the other three in the series.

The Feelings

Alan Lennox’s character spoke to me spiritually. He’s the a-typical gay guy endowed with thoroughly average looks, doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his life, takes great joy in video games and general slovenly behaviour, and is surrounded by friends who are equally as mad as he is.

This is a great departure from most of the books I’ve read that have had a gay character. Usually when there’s the slightest whiff of Greek-style man loving in a novel the reader is subjected to some Adonis-like character who spends most of his day crawling out from under a pile of men and is an asshole, or, alternatively, some Adonis-like character who could spend most of his day crawling out from under a pile of men but doesn’t realise how attractive he is, learns how attractive he is, then somehow lands up in a gangbang that would put most triple-penetrating porn stars to shame before finding true love with a handsome billionaire cowboy doctor philanthropist of Brazilian extraction.

Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom is not that novel, and I’m very grateful for that small mercy.

My Final Rating: 7 / 10
Buy Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom on Amazon.com

 

Book Review: Space Raptor Butt Invasion

Author: Chuck Tingle
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

You know what’s worse than heterosexual dinosaur erotica? Gay dinosaur erotica. In space. Upon being provided intelligence by a mutual friend that such a sub-genre of erotic literature existed, Tropical Mary and I both decided to read one of these little pamphlets to see what it was all about. She’s still quite traumatised by hers. I learned that Chuck Tingle, the ‘author’ of this abomination of literature, needs to be set on fire and his grave salted to ensure that his spirit never rises again.

The Plot

Lance Tanner is a one man terraforming machine. Stationed on the planet Zorbus, Lance is in charge of overseeing the station that will attempt to terraform a planet that mankind really has no business trying to terraform. The planet has virtually no gravity, no breathable air, no water, none of the basic things that make existing possible. But this is apparently the best our allegedly intergalactic species could manage to find upon the advice of scientists who, beyond any shadow of a doubt, insist that Earth will only be around for another ten years. Because reasons.

Now, being alone on a planet is imaginably lonely. Thankfully Lance bumps into Orion one day when he’s out and about checking on the terraforming station. Who is Orion, you might ask. Silly reader, Orion is a velociraptor astronaut from Earth II. Earth II you say? Well, it turns out that mankind did some revisionist history writing when it came to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Rather than dying out entirely (leaving the planet hospitable to the evolution of mammals), what they actually did was build enormous space ships and go off in search of a less hostile planet than Earth. Duh.

As the only two creatures on the planet Lance and Orion become firm friends, hanging out and chatting every day. Now, when two friends spend that much time together there’s only one possible outcome. No, not some kind of bonding of the soul where you share your innermost fears and dreams with a person you’ve come to love in an entirely platonic way. Sex. Dirty, nasty, confusing, physically impossible sex. Sex that makes you feel ashamed just for reading what they’re doing. Sex that makes you want to scrub your skin until it falls off because you feel so dirty for letting the images penetrate your mind. Sex that leaves you shaking on the floor in an immovable heap because your brain has gone into shock and is trying to protect you from what you’re doing to yourself by reading this atrocity. That kind of sex.

And it all happens in 15 pages.

The Writing Style

Imagine the worst porn you’ve ever seen. Now imagine that porn had an anthropomorphic dinosaur in it. Now imagine that that porn was transcribed to the written word. Now imagine that the transcription was shortened into an executive summary of the film. Now imagine that the executive summary was loaded with spelling and grammar errors. You now have the essence of Chuck Tingle’s writing style. Do with this information what you will.

The Feelings

Whilst I spent the majority of my 10 minute sitting with this ‘book’ swinging between feelings of confusion and revulsion, I will give it credit for asking the tough questions and providing some insightful answers.

Q. Does attraction to a same-sex but different-species mate change your sexual orientation?
A. “Our difference is species surely couldn’t classify my as gay, could it?”

Q. Is the ‘no homo’ rule applicable to an inter-species relationship?
A. “I mean, it’s not gay if it’s a dude raptor and a dude human, right?”

Q. Between dinosaurs and humans, who’s the better lay?
A. “Raptors have been fucking for billions of years before humans were even around.”

Q. If dinosaurs are the better lay, does this have an impact on how the sex would unfold?
A. “The raptor would have to be in control though; dominating, even.”

Q. Do gay astronauts talk dirty?
A. “Pound me like the homo spaceboy that I am”

Q. Does inter-species immediately imply some form of BDSM-style relationship?
A. “How does it feel to punish your astronaut human sex toy?”

So I guess if you have to walk away feeling violated by the literature we read, at least we can say we learned something from the experience.

My Final Rating: 1/10
Buy Space Raptor Butt Invasion on Amazon.com