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Book Review: In The Velociraptor’s Nest

07 Mar

51yC0XhsEcLAuthor: Christie Sims
Genre: Dinosaur Erotica
Published: 2013

In an ideal world I like to think of myself as an enlightened and tolerant individual; when it comes to sex, I honestly think that, so long as you aren’t hurting anyone else (and, ideally, yourself), you should be free to do what you want. There are limits to this of course, and I feel that at some point we, as a society, should draw a line in the sand and say no to dinosaur sex. The things aren’t even mammals for God’s sake.

 I feel it important to state right at the beginning of this review that I don’t usually trawl the murkier depths of the Internet in search of literary expressions of young maidens being ravished by velociraptors. I actually came across this ‘book’ (to use the phrase loosely) in a 9GAG post. The sensation I felt wasn’t entirely unlike the one you get when watching a morbidly obese person eat a plate of chicken nuggets – you know that you should just turn away, but you can’t. Upon further investigation I discovered that Christie Sims is the author of over 50 books like this one, so in the grand scheme of things I didn’t think that reading just one (to whet my curiosity) would be so bad. How wrong I was…

The Plot

This Kindle-only adventure is set in an alternate time line (well, that’s what I would call it – it cannot be taken for granted that Ms Christie Sims is familiar with the term) where humans and dinosaurs exist alongside one another. The (mercifully short) story centres around a delicate flower named Azog, who appears to be the only female in her tribe of humans. The victim of constant sexual abuse by the men of the tribe, dear Azog is out alone in the forest one day trying to hunt down a little dinner – she hopes that bringing back a fresh kill will get the men to leave her alone for a while and give her own delicate flower a brief period of convalescence.

After a failed hunt and a more disappointing failed attempt at a riverside orgasm (it is a widely known fact that, since the dawn of time, doing laundry gets women hot), Azog lands up seeking overnight shelter in a cave. Owing to her useless skills as a hunter and a tracker, she fails to notice the velociraptor nest at the back of the cave, and is too slow to make an escape before the daddy raptor comes home to take care of his offspring.

Azog, not wanting to be shredded to bits, decides to use her womanly guile in an attempt to get the raptor to spare her. What follows is a series of events that includes things that no unmarried couple should ever be allowed to do in a damp cave with hatchlings nearby, especially not whilst placing such extreme emphasis on the contact between Azog’s ass and the rough cave wall. Let’s just say that when a woman and a dinosaur love one another very much they may end up doing things that lead to the woman not being eaten alive and leave it at that.

The Writing Style

‘Writing style’ is perhaps a bit of a stretch given the subject matter that I have been given to work with. It’s not only absurd it what it is trying to achieve (which, presumably, is the co-ordinated orgasms of thousands of women who didn’t find 50 Shades of Grey kinky enough), but it equally lacks any kind of eloquence. Let us look at an example of Ms Sims’ shoddy writing:

“Suddenly, despite herself, she wanted it. She wanted to be fucked, to be filled, to feel the beast’s strange cock in her hands, in her mouth, in her holes, to take whatever the monster chose to give her.

Licking her lips, Azog slid to her knees in the dirt. The raptor’s prick was thick now, yellowish-green and slick with the warm, clear liquid that oozed from the fat, thick tip. She could feel its heat even as she gazed at it, marvelling at its girth, its shape and length – so much like a human’s that it amazed her.”

Not to say that I’m a prude, but in all honesty this is all rather vulgar. Wouldn’t “Azog swooned, overcome by a radiant heat throughout her petite limbs” have sufficed for the first paragraph? And, to be honest, the raptor’s just a pig. What happened to romancing someone before you jumped their bones? A nice dinner, a little candlelight, and then you can spew clear liquid all over the floor. If we go by Ms Sims’ account of the world, then chivalry truly is dead.

The Feelings

This little trip into dinosaur hell will leave you full of emotions. For me the primary one was revulsion, but it was joined in no small way by confusion, disgust, a complete inhibition of my sex drive (both past, future and present), and an overwhelming desire to climb into a mountain of puppies and never come out. My curiosity was sated, although I venture to say that the price for doing so was a little high.

Nevertheless, far be it for us to judge the fantasies of other people. Perhaps next time I will indulge in some of Ms Sims’ orc erotica, or maybe the one about the woman being mounted by a Pegasus. Those sound like infinitely safer choices.

My Final Rating: 1/10
Buy the Book at Amazon.com

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2 Comments

Posted by on March 7, 2014 in Book Review

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Book Review: In The Velociraptor’s Nest

  1. Alisha

    February 28, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    Good Gosh….

     
    • James

      February 28, 2015 at 10:26 pm

      …is certainly one way of describing it.

       

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