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Book Review: Children of Time

children-of-time

Author: Adrian Tchaikovksy
Genre: Science Fiction
Published: 2015

To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect going into this book – I’d never heard of Adrian Tchaikovsky and I’m not one to buy something just because it won an award (in this case, the 30th Arthur C. Clarke Award for Best Novel). All I had to go one was a blurb that it turns out I’d misread, and the words “Like a Stephen Baxter novel…” under one of its Amazon reviews.

But I’m glad I misread the blurb – what I thought I was going to be reading sounded interesting, but what it landed up being was even better. Children of Time is a masterclass of science fiction writing that ranks, in my humble opinion, with some of the best classics of the genre and one that I hope will continue to be read by people for many years to come.

The Plot

Mankind stood on the verge of becoming an almost god-like species with the technology to turn lifeless pieces of rock into fully habitable worlds. One of these, known throughout the story only as ‘the green planet’, is the site of Dr Avrana Kern’s experiment. Dr Kern will populate the now-terraformed planet with primates and release a cultured nanovirus into the planet’s atmosphere. The nanovirus will go to work on the primates and help their evolution along and hopefully accomplish in millennia what would take nature millions of years to get right until such time as the planet is populated by primates with human-equivalent intelligence.

But mankind is a fickle species. A group under the banner of Non Ultra Natura (‘Not Greater Than Nature’) doesn’t believe that we should play god and try to bring up our evolutionary lessers to our level. They sabotage the station Dr Kern is working on (and through a massive EMP wipeout most of human technology throughout the galaxy), thinking that they can stop this unholy experiment from happening. They get it half right at least.

The primates are sadly jettisoned off away from the planet to a very lonely death, but the nanovirus container does manage to enter the green planet’s atmosphere. Specifically designed to not target other vertebrates (the idea being that the monkeys shouldn’t have any competition as they climb the evolutionary ladder) it instead goes to work on what else it can find – insects. The results of this are a mixed bag with the exception of one particular species – portia labiata, a type of jumping spider, who slowly but surely begin to become self-aware and intelligent.

The novel then follows, over a period of several thousand years, the growth and development of spider society from its humble beginnings as nomadic hunters to fully developed cities of scientific innovation, with all the ups and downs that a nascent civilisation and intelligence have to offer. This society will eventually come face to face with its creators in the form of the Gilgamesh, an ark ship that fled a dying and toxic Earth with the last remnants of humanity several thousand years after the Non Ultra Natura-led war in the hopes of finding a new home on the green planet. Understandably, they may not be that wild about the idea of sharing their new home with giant insects.

The Writing Style

Adrian Tchaikovksy set himself no small task when he took to writing this novel and the two enormously different viewpoints that needed to be covered – those of the spiders, and those of the humans.

For the spiders the tricky part is that you’re usually not going to spend more than a chapter with any specific set of characters given the vast amount of time that’s covered in the book’s 600-or-so pages. Instead each spider-centric chapter deals with a specific point in this society’s growth focusing on key individuals who are dealing with the problems of their particular age. Continuity for the reader in these chapters comes in two forms, firstly the main spider characters tend to share names (Portia, Bianca, Viola and Fabian being the most common), and the second comes in what is known as Understandings. An Understanding is knowledge hard-coded to a spider’s genetic structure by the nanovirus, meaning that while you may be dealing with a spider many generations removed from those in the previous chapter, they have the memories of their long-dead ancestors, so one Portia tends to be able to recall everything that previous Portias have done, helping to keep the story nice and tidy.

For the humans it’s a rather different story, because their society isn’t going anywhere. Trapped on the Gilgamesh for thousands of years, most of mankind will spend the duration of their journey in long stages of stasis, being awoken only when their particular skills are needed. This results in a disjointed sense of time where someone can feel that something happened only recently, when it fact it took place centuries ago. In comparison to the spiders rapid evolutionary climb and the vibrancy of their culture, mankind by contrast is stuck in a highly artificial environment in permanent limbo until they can find a home, clinging desperately to the feats that were achieved during the terraforming days but in the full knowledge that they’ll never be able to achieve it.

Aside from these very specific characterisations of the two civilisations, the book is generally well-written and keeps the story moving along at a reasonable pace. As with most novels of this genre the story is rather dense, but this one has forgone the usual surplus of technical language in favour of a more sociological focus on the humans and the spiders, which overall makes for a far easier read than what you would find in your standard hard science fiction novel.

The Feelings

I can’t think of a better way to describe how much I enjoyed this book other than to say that I am one of the most severely arachnophobic people you are likely to meet, and I was rooting for those spiders. Many a time were the words “Come on Portia, I believe in you!” uttered in my home.

It’s also the sort of book that leaves you in a position where you don’t really know how to feel – on the one hand you don’t want the humans to arrive on the green planet, knowing full well our propensity for destruction and feeling that perhaps our time has passed. On the other, as the species that made all of this possible and knowing our innate capability for good when we set our minds on the right path, you also see the necessity of finding the species a new home, particularly when the destruction of the Earth wasn’t the result of this particular generation’s faults.

My Final Rating: 10/10
Buy Children of Time at Amazon.com

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Posted by on December 19, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: The Rezort

the-rezort

Released: 2015
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 5.1 / 10

Those people who know me will testify to just how much of a wild child I am – staying up till 11 on a work night, playing music with swear words in them when an innocent child with ears like a bat might be within hearing distance, wearing mismatched socks and not giving a damn. I’m sure you get the picture. So my epic badassness decided it wanted to live on the edge, and nothing gets the adrenaline pumping quite like a 5.1 IMDB rating – it really could go either way. Will this be one of those hidden gems that you recommend to friends, or will it just be one of those hit and miss movies that bores you a little but you committed so you watch it to the end anyway?

Usually with this sort of thing you need to waste a good 40 minutes before you find out if you made a bad choice or not, but as soon as I heard British accents I knew we were going to be OK.

Ooh gurl, this my jam!

Ooh gurl, this my jam!

The Plot

10 years ago the world was ravaged by a virus that turned the dead into voracious killing machines. Unlike other zombie apocalypses where mankind just kinda lies down and takes it a British stiff upper lip led the world as it fought back and contained the outbreak, and now the world is more or less zombie free and back on its feet.

The only place that still has zombies in abundance is the Rezort, a holiday destination on an island off the coast of North Africa where those survivors who need to let off some steam can put the undead back in their graves in relative safety. Melanie thinks that this is just what she needs – still haunted by the war against the undead and the loss of her father, perhaps blowing some human corpses to smithereens will help give her some closure.

Of course there are still wackos in the world, and some believe that just because something’s a reanimated corpse with a desire for human flesh and the capability to bring about our complete and utter annihilation doesn’t mean it doesn’t have rights, so rightly or wrongly they aren’t the greatest fans of the Rezort. When one of them manages to hack into the Rezort’s servers and deactivate all of the security on the island all of the tourists must once again fight for their lives – not just against the zombies, but also against the Brimstone Protocol, which will see the island incinerated to stop a further outbreak in just a few hours.

Melanie’s gonna need to get a whole lotta closure if she’s gonna make it off the island.

Bitch please, I don't have time for you to shoot me.

Bitch please, I don’t have time for you to shoot me.

The Visual

Ever since The Walking Dead revitalised the genre zombie movies have become a dime a dozen, and more often than not get it very wrong since surprisingly few seem to understand that your zombie movie lives or dies on how good your zombies look and behave. Thankfully the good people behind The Rezort knew what they were doing, and the zombies are nicely put together and behave in a suitably menacing manner. The movie also goes for the ‘the fresher they are, the more they can move’ approach, which means that you only really need to make the older zombies look bedraggled while contact lenses and some fake blood will suffice for the newer ones without detracting from the overall scare factor.

Also, if they ever salvage the island from the Brimstone Protocol, I want to buy it. I imagine the property price will be quite low and the scenery is rather majestic.

Nothing compares to a child's smile.

Nothing compares to a child’s smile.

The Feelings

Satisfaction.

The Rezort is never going to be considered a classic, but what I liked most about it was its fresh approach to the zombie apocalypse – very rarely in these movies does mankind ever win the battle, let alone turn it into a thriving business opportunity. I can see something like this happening just as much as I can imagine there being zombie rights activists in the event of an outbreak.

In the midst of the general mayhem and panic the movie also manages to throw in some surprisingly good social commentary, which I commend since this is what drove a lot of zombie films, particularly Romero’s, in their nascent years. What it deals with is very timely given a number of disasters currently besetting the world without making the movie become preachy, which isn’t always the easiest balance to strike.

I vote that we just hand the zombie genre in its entirety over to the Brits to handle from here – when they do it, they just do it right.

My Final Rating7 / 10
Buy The Rezort at Amazon.com

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Posted by on October 2, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding

51kmsgpYOML

Author: The Honourable Sir Edmund Quimlove
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

“Dare he bury his musket betwixt the nether lips of such an innocent girl…”

You know, I like it when people (and books) are upfront with me: if you’re gonna be a trashy piece of filth, just tell me that. I’ll respect you all the more for it. So when I happened upon Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding I imagined I’d come across just that: a little toilet tissue that was open about wanting to get down and nasty for 20 pages or so.

But alas, it wasn’t to be. Who would’ve thought that someone as honourable as Sir Edmund Quimlove would have dared to lead his audience astray? There I was, reluctantly anticipating tight virgins and sloppy poundings, but what did I get instead? Some very odd and poorly thought out roleplay. For shame Sir Quimlove, for shame.

The Plot

Jonathan and Tabitha Pemberton are an ever so loving couple living an ever so delightful life and who speak in an ever so confusing old-timey rural British accent. While peacefully reclining after a delightful supper but finding the larder entirely devoid of cherry pie for dessert the two decide that this would be a most opportune time to make the beast with two backs.

But what to do? Having recently attempted anal and faced with the reality that Tabitha only has so many orifices in which to stuff things the two need to decide on some other way of spicing up their after dinner carnal treat. Thankfully Tabitha is as smart as she is whorish and she comes up with a most titillating idea (that she probably read about in Ye Olde Cosmo): roleplay. She’ll play the virgin recently come of age whose body pulses with the need for sexual release whenever her father pops off to market, and Jonathan will be a door-to-door lion tamer.

With such a hungry and ferocious kitty as Tabitha’s, will Jonathan’s expert (and somewhat unorthodox) lion taming skills quell the fire in the savage beast? Carry on dear reader, and be left completely unshocked and unaroused!

The Writing Style

You would think that the idea of a door-to-door lion tamer would be the most bizarre thing you’d come across in a work such as this, but Sir Quimlove has a few more tricks up his sleeve.

To start with the positives, from a technical point of view there isn’t anything wrong with the way Be a Dear… (I’m not writing that title out over and over) is written, with impeccable grammar and a varied vocabulary throughout. The issue for me was in the way that the characters’ copious dialogue was written.

Jonathan and Tabitha, when not in an aroused state, speak in a very prim and proper Victorian manner becoming of a young couple from decent backgrounds who take picnics by the river bank. When aroused, however, Tabitha’s regular speech pattern becomes interspersed with a vocabulary more becoming of an aging Eastern bloc porn star with tattooed-on makeup who isn’t afraid to finger herself while wearing false nails. For example:

“It hardly seems proper to have relations with a girl whose name I don’t even know.’
“Call me your fucking slut, or perhaps your filthy whore, or even your pretty, little cocksucker.

Not convinced? How about this one:

“Will you coat my limber, young body in gallons of your sloppy cum until my sweet, innocent face is dripping with the liquid remnants of our torrid relations?”

Perhaps this would all make a bit more sense if I’d known that this was the second book in a series before I read it, but I stand by the fact that trying to be a posh Victorian and a 40-something prostitute named Olga just doesn’t work. Either go all out and be filthy right the way through, or (especially for comedic effect) have really rough sex being described by really polite country folk. Just don’t try and do both – it’s more jarring than what was happening to Tabitha’s poor kitty.

The Feelings

Confused, briefly laughing, and then bored.

For all the big promises in this book’s title and the rather bizarre approach it takes to character portrayal, ultimately it’s completely lacking in anything vaguely erotic. Maybe I’m just boring in bed, but my understanding of roleplay is that it’s meant to allow you to play out some kind of fantasy with your significant other. If this is the case, if someone came to me saying that they were a door-to-door lion tamer while trying to be all sensual and whatnot I think I’d collapse on the floor laughing and sexy time would be over well before it ever started. Of course we at A World of Weird don’t advocate judging anyone based on their sexual proclivities, so if you wanna get it on with a door-to-door lion tamer then you let your freak flag fly high!

Once you put the odd choice of situation to the side all you’re left with is the usual slopping orifices, raging erections, vicious poundings and unnatural quantities of semen. Sir Quimlove, while I commend you for managing to write something that is both peculiar and mundane it simply isn’t enough to earn a recommendation from my side.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Book Review: The Bagel Sandwich Bang

The Bagel Sandwich Bang

Author: Oliver Clozov
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

“…he never imagined that an everyday snack could turn into an everyday fuck.”

As much as I do enjoy seeing Tropical Mary go through agony at the sheer assault on the senses that is the Amazon erotica section, I felt that our joint escapade with Lord Metalcock was perhaps one step too far and that it would be unfair for her to suffer an ordeal like reviewing Oliver Clozov on her own. To atone for this I dutifully went off to find the author’s page so I could subject myself to some of his literary offal as well. Enter (literally and figuratively) The Bagel Sandwich Bang.

I had a lot of questions. For example: Why? What is going on with this cover? Am I really going to spend $1.13 on this? Is it a sentient bagel? The Stygian Mole also asked aloud what I had only dared to ponder internally: was it a cream cheese bagel? I was fairly certain that whatever happened it was going to end up being one, but perhaps the bagel’s origin story deserved to be told.

Such is the story of how I don’t feel like eating lunch today.

The Plot

“Plot” is too generous a word for what’s going on here. Prior experience should have taught me not to expect anything so tremendously outlandish as a sentient bagel from this fool, but dare to dream I did.

This story really is nothing other than a guy named Randy fucking a sandwich. He kicked his girlfriend out of the house and to get over his instantaneous loneliness he makes a sandwich and, on the spur of the moment, decides to fuck it. I take that back – “fuck it” isn’t the right term for what happens here. Randy makes love to the sandwich. That sandwich knew a type of affection that most of us can only dream of. For 20 minutes that sandwich knew love and the tender touch of a man.

But then the sandwich got chucked out because nobody wants to eat their own mayonnaise. And in the end, despite all the loving words and his gentle caresses, Randy isn’t any better than any other guy – his needs satiated by its wholegrain crust he turns his eye to the ripe and fruity cantaloupe just sitting there in his kitchen.

Ladies (and gents), don’t feel bad if your man has a bit of a wandering eye. It’s not you – if this sandwich couldn’t keep a man, then us lesser beings really shouldn’t be down on ourselves if we can’t either.

The Writing Style

Unlike with the misadventures of Lord Metalcock, Oliver (who I’m still convinced is 13-years-old) didn’t turn himself on halfway through the story, so instead of starting out badly and getting horribly worse it just started out as miserably below par and stayed there, so if not for style it at least scores points for consistency.

And say what you want about this piece of trash but you could use it in high schools to teach kids the concept of personification. That sandwich wasn’t doing a damn thing except being the unknowing recipient of unnatural lust for the course of this toilet tissue’s 23 pages, but Randy loved that thing more than any man has ever loved another human being. And I say good for the sandwich, everything deserves to feel loved.

The Feelings

So very confused.

Lord Metalcock taught me that little Oliver doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sex works. The Bagel Sandwich Bang taught me that he doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sandwich making or bagels work either. Granted I come from South Africa, so maybe it’s a cultural difference, but down here our bagels already have a hole in the centre – it’s kind of what makes them bagels. So I’m really not sure why Randy had to cut a hole into his bagel before he could have sex with it.

I’m equally unclear about how this could be as pleasurable as described, for two reasons. Firstly, this is a wholegrain bagel. Wholegrain usually has bits of grain in it, and given the circumstances those bits are going to land up in places you really don’t want them. Given that I prefer to eat my food in a more traditional manner I may be missing something here, but I imagine that a white bagel would be a smoother ride. I leave this point to those who are more familiar with the practices described in this book to point out if I am wrong. Secondly, and again maybe things are different overseas, my experience of bagels is that they aren’t a tremendously robust bread product. For this reason I’m not convinced that a single bagel, particularly one that has already been piled full of condiments, could withstand a 20 minute pounding. Perhaps there are especially durable bagels that one can purchase for alternative uses such as this, but if so I must again defer to the wisdom of those more familiar with sitophilia than myself.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy The Bagel Sandwich Bang at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 8, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Martian Land

Martian Land

Released: 2015
Genre: Sci-Fi / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.3 / 10

Watching this cinematically-induced lobotomy brought to mind the words of one of the world’s most eminent scholars:

“Yes, I see. Something involving that many big words could easily destabilise time itself.”
– 
Professor Hubert Farnsworth

This was all that lay at the core of this ill-conceived attempt by The Asylum to ride on the coattails of The Martian: if we throw enough big words at the audience, whether or not they make sense, maybe they’ll think that we understand what we’re talking about. Well guess what The Asylum? My penchant for reading hard sci-fi novels from the 60s and a few quick glances at Wikipedia have taught me more about what it would take to live on Mars than anything you tried to throw together!

Next time you build a Martian colony, maybe cover it in something a bit more resilient than Plexiglass!

Next time you build a Martian colony, maybe cover it in something a bit more resilient than Plexiglass!

The Plot

In the distant future the Earth has been lost to mankind. Our habit of burning fossil fuels and the subsequent global warming ultimately resulted in an unprecedented rise in volcanic activity across the planet, leaving the homeworld enveloped in an impenetrable cover of nuclear dust which left life on its surface impossible. And so we set off to Mars to build civilisation anew! Alas, our bad habits will once again be our downfall. While Earth was the perfect temperature to begin with and didn’t really need our help Mars was a bit chilly when we got there, and so we set about trying to warm the place up a little. This fractional rise in temperature has one horrible unintended side effect – it re-ignites Olympus Mons, the largest volcano in our solar system, which causes an enormous dust storm to erupt and begin spreading out over the Martian surface.

The domed cities of Mars are not designed to withstand the wind strengths generated by this storm, and Mars New York is quickly compromised when its dome is shattered. Over in Mars Los Angeles Miranda, a truly remarkable mind in a scientific field so generically named that she could literally be studying anything, needs to mount a rescue operation that will somehow both save her daughter who was in MNY when the storm struck, and deactivate the storm before it can cause similar damage to Mars’ other cities. Thankfully she knows just the right guy for the job.

Miranda has her current husband, Neil, bring her ex-husband, Foster, to Mars from Earth, where he has apparently been living quite comfortably while trying to restore the Blue Marble to its forgotten majesty. Foster devises the ultimate plan to stop the storm – by placing EMF emitters at key points, one of which must be in the eye of this eyeless storm, they can blast the storm apart and thus save mankind’s new home. But Mars is a frigid bitch and a hostile mistress, and it will take all of Neil and Foster’s acting inabilities to pull this plan off before all of the Martian cities are lost.

I would like, at this point, to assure anyone reading this that every word in this description has been carefully chosen to accurately reflect the plot of this film.

You know it's Mars because it has spacey looking buildings like this.

You know it’s Mars because it has spacey looking buildings like this.

The Visuals

This has all your typical The Asylum crap and then a bit leftover for you to take home afterwards.

As a rule of thumb The Asylum’s films all tend to have enough budget to produce maybe three CGI scenes which must then be made multipurpose. Martian Land is no exception, and one generic cityscape will just need to cover every city on Mars, with the only difference being how much damage has been done to it by the storm. There’s also no need for extras because all you need to do is copy and paste the same guy running over and over again into the same shot and voila! You have a crowd.

Below par CGI aside Martian Land also has many other wonders to behold. Martian bushes littered all over the planet, for example. And who needs technologically fancy spacesuits to survive a hostile alien world when all-over lycra and a spray painted welding mask with some coloured tape stuck to it will do the same job for a tenth of the price? Why build your Martian rover using fancy materials when all the interior really needs are some broken up crates and a bank of fans from that old PC you were going to throw out anyway? And why are we wasting so much money here on Earth looking into clean forms of energy when all you need is an old TV antenna to act as a lightning rod that can instantly charge batteries?

If bullshit were a currency, Martian Land would be worth its runtime in gold.

My expression throughout the whole movie.

My expression throughout the whole movie.

The Feelings

This movie touched me in a bad place and then went in dry.

I am by no means an expert on terraforming or any of the other countless subjects that Martian Land so haphazardly attempts to throw at its audience like Naomi Campbell throwing a cellphone at an assistant she doesn’t like, but I find the concept of interplanetary travel and the colonisation of alien worlds to be a fascinating subject. And to be honest, you don’t need to be an expert to understand that global warming won’t activate a volcano. You don’t need to be an expert to know that you couldn’t breathe on the surface of Mars (although, to be fair, only some characters do this sometimes). And for the love of the bloody maker you don’t need to be an expert to understand that a storm needs to have an eye in the first place if an entire plan hinges on throwing something into the eye of the storm!

You know, I get it – in any space adventure film you can never get all of the facts right, and sometimes you need to bend the truth a little bit in order to make the movie fun. But the only thing that Martian Land managed to get right is that there is, in fact, a planet called Mars, and that’s just not gonna cut it for me.

My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy Martian Land at Amazon.com

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Posted by on July 24, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos 2

Author: Kacey Zen
Genre: Erotica / Horror
Published: 2015

So a little while ago this popped up in my Twitter notifications:

Kacey Zen Tweet

I felt bad, especially considering that I had been a little harsh in my review (I may or may not have implied that Ms Zen’s brain was riddled with tapeworm). I’m man enough to admit when I’ve made a mistake, and I thought that perhaps I had been too rash in my assessment of Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #1. Maybe I’d had a rough day, maybe I wasn’t in the right head space, there are a myriad reasons you can misjudge a literary work.

With all that in mind I decided that the only fair way to judge whether I was wrong about Kacey Zen was to read Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2: Rug Munchers VS. Dick Heads, and I’m happy to report that it all turned out just as I had suspected: I’m never wrong.

The Plot

Kacey Zen’s trying to get all literary up in this gig, let me tell you.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 tells the story of two women, Vanessa and Rita, and how they came to find themselves as members of the Rug Munchers, an all-lesbian survival gang trying to make it in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland.

Vanessa was a young girl from a good home in a small town who moved to the big city with a simple dream: to become a porn star and ride the biggest fucking dicks you’ve ever seen from dawn until dusk. Fate cut this dream short when, just as she was about to do her first scene, her coworker overdosed on cocaine and became a zombie, forcing the military to evacuate her from her room.

Rita’s story is a bit darker. Some good old-fashioned parenting has left her crippled by her mother’s anxiety when it comes to “real” men, and she has gone through life dating androgynous guys and butch girls. But there’s a void deep within her begging to be filled. Cue donkey-dicked Frank, an Adonis Rita met when he was taking a shower in the parking lot behind her vegan café. Frank technically raped Rita in the café but she liked it and managed to record it, and she uses that recording to blackmail him into fucking her in every orifice whenever she wants, sometimes as many as twenty times a day.

An untold number of years later Frank’s dead and Vanessa and Rita are now members of the Rug Munchers, but Rita wants revenge. Revenge on Vanessa for fucking Frank, and revenge on her girlfriend Betty for killing him right before she herself was going to stab him with a butcher’s knife. But this revenge plot gets complicated when the Rug Munchers come up against the Dick Heads, a group of men on the prowl for women to fuck and then eat, and our lovely ladies in flannel will need to think on their backs if they’re gonna make it out of this alive.

The Writing Style

This was the issue with my review of the first pamphlet in (what some might loosely call) this series, so let’s start off with the good before we get into the bad.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 is just over twice the length of its predecessor, coming in at a whopping 42 pages. With all these extra pages Ms Zen has managed to get her pronouns right and flesh out her characters a bit more, so instead of the rather two-dimensional Ava from the first pamphlet you now have wholly unlikable characters like Vanessa and Rita.

What these extra pages have not fixed is the fact that Ms Zen struggles to put together a coherent sentence. God knows that before I publish a review I need to take out at least a dozen commas that shouldn’t be there (and maybe pop one or two in where I wasn’t paying attention), but at least I take the time to do it. I can also be accused of using the same word repetitively because, at that time, I was quite fond of it, but during the proof reading stage I will change it up a bit and even consult a thesaurus if need be. My point here, Ms Zen, is that there are other ways to refer to a woman’s vagina than constantly repeating the word “pussy” ad nauseam, with nothing to differentiate these various pussies other than their degree of wetness.

Also, and this is some free advice, when more than two people are engaged in dialogue (and even if it’s just two people for an extended period of time) YOU NEED TO INDICATE TO THE READER WHO IT IS THAT’S SPEAKING! For fuck’s sake…

The Feelings

Sweet Zombie Jesus, where do I even begin?

You know what, I’m not even going to focus on the all the things that can be considered wrong with having zombies with what may well be 34 inch penises double penetrating a woman, you can let your imagination run wild with you on that front. Equally, if your mother didn’t teach you that it’s wrong to keep women captive while flooding their systems with heroin and raping them repeatedly then I don’t imagine that there’s much that I can say to set you right.

What I am going to focus on is just how every idea in this soiled one-ply piece of toilet tissue is just so wrong. You want toxic ideas of what constitutes a “real” man? It’s all here! Want to see how a woman being a crazy, possessive stalker is really just how women show that they care? You better believe that’s in here! Fancy seeing the notion that lesbians aren’t cheating on one another if one of them sleeps with a man? I’m not sure if it was intentional, but it’s here! Forgotten that all a lesbian really wants out of life is a really big dick to fuck her endlessly? Let this pamphlet remind you of what may have slipped your mind!

While the first pamphlet really did nothing for me, this one made me angry. I lifted my head up to the heavens many times in the 20 minutes it took me to read this, praying that some higher power would give me answers, but none were forthcoming. Lacking divine guidance I’m not sure whether I should direct my anger at Ms Zen for perpetuating the ideas sprinkled so liberally throughout this pamphlet, or at the audience who will find nothing amiss about it.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Book Review: Forced Gay By The Swamp Monster

Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster

Author: Clara Bright
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

Those of you kind enough to read this blog will have noticed that I’ve been quite quiet of late, but for a while I’ve really wanted to get back into my blogging. My brain’s too addled to focus on a movie and I’m a bit off from finishing the book I’m actually quite enjoying, so I decided to kick start myself with a little light smut. After browsing through my collection of unread filthy tissues that would put my mother in an early grave I settled on Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster because it combined the two things I really needed at that stage: outlandish, bizarre sex and a very small page count.

The Plot

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

Matt’s a researcher in an undisclosed field working with Dr Hall, a distinguished researcher in a distinguished undisclosed field. The two of them are busy trekking through an unnamed marsh in an unspecified region of what may be America in search of an unnamed flower that was a very important component in a fertility rite of an unrevealed native people. Nice move Ms Bright, let your audience imagine their own setting.

When Matt goes off on his own to try and cover more ground he comes across the electric-blue flower that the two researchers are looking for, but the flower is only the tip of the iceberg here. You see, the flower’s attached to a very extensive (and, as will become apparent, very horny) plant, which quickly entwines Matt and drags him off to what admittedly sounds like a fairly serene little area. I mean, if I was going to be physically invaded by a flower I’d at least appreciate it if it did it to me somewhere with a nice atmosphere.

The world of Amazon erotica has taught me that there are many types of plants that want to have their way with you, but I’ll give props to this one for being different – it has the beauty of a rose but the skills of a well-seasoned whore.

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

The Writing Style

This was actually quite surprising because Clara Bright writes with a level of skill well above her subject matter. There were a few errors here and there but those I felt were more from a lack of a thorough proofread than anything else. I also quite enjoyed Ms Bright’s rather extensive vocabulary, rather than being subjected to the usual barrage of synonyms for “rock hard” and “cock”. As this was a gay piece of erotica I was also spared the usual litany of slopping snatches and gushing juices.

I do hope that Ms Bright finds a way to write actual books in the future, because she is clearly better than this.

The Feelings

Piqued interest and sadness.

The more stuff I read for this blog the more convinced I become that I’m just lazy in the bedroom. While I can honestly say my mind has never pondered nor fantasised about the possibility of being ravished by a taproot, what is oddly impressive here is that because Clara Bright can actually write Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster is the closest thing I’ve come to while reading for this blog that was actually erotic, hence my piqued interest. It waned rapidly when it turned out that the plant (there is no actual swamp monster in this pamphlet) likes to get a little kinky, but not wanting to have sentient twigs shoved down my urethra is purely a personal preference.

What made me sad was that as I read this and glimpsed beyond the sexual advances of a blue-balled weed I saw some real writing potential in Ms Bright. I think it’s quite remarkable that a person, given the subject matter and maybe 20 pages to work with, can actually come up with something halfway erotic.

Ms Bright must desperately need to pay rent.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2016 in Book Review

 

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