At some point Tropical Mary and I really need to stop daring one another to read these trashy little toilet tissues, because at this rate someone is going to get seriously hurt. This latest blow to my psyche came after I gently insisted that she read some biblical erotica, which apparently didn’t bring her any closer to God.
Unicorn Made Me His Bae is the literary equivalent of being surprise butt fucked by Ke$ha: it comes out of nowhere, it’s incredibly uncomfortable while it’s happening, and because everything’s covered in glitter that’s somehow supposed to make it all better. Well guess what Mr Fox? The glitter doesn’t make it better!
Liam is just a southern boy with his Levi’s on and an open heart, the type that wishes he could save the world, like he was Super Girl. He used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love, but lately he’s been jaded because life got so complicated.
And by complicated I mean that he walked into a room to find his drunken best friend sucking off his good-for-nothing boyfriend. Devastated and heartbroken Liam gives Garrett a call to come rescue him from this awful situation. Garrett’s Liam’s oldest and bestest unicorn friend, a giant hulk of a thing that proceeds to hoof whip the ever-loving shit out of Liam’s soon-to-be ex. This manifestation of unbridled, bestial masculinity makes Liam feel safe and secure, and he invites Garrett over to dinner at his family’s place to say thank you.
But dinner’s the last thing on their minds that night, and the two find themselves alone in an orange grove. Here Liam realises just how much he loves his unicorn friend, and when Garrett speaks it’s like a song, and just like that all Liam’s walls come down. It’s like a private joke, just meant for them to know. They relate to each other naturally, and everybody else just fades away. Sometimes it’s hard for Liam to breathe, just knowing Garrett found him.
It’s also hard for Liam to breathe because his once-tight asshole is now being stretched to inconceivable limits by a colour-changing unicorn dick. But what’s important is that beyond that dick that laughs in the face of natural order, there’s a lot of love between these two. Because now that Liam’s with Garrett he can let his hair down. He can say anything crazy, knowing that Garrett’ll catch him right before he hits the ground. With nothing but a T-shirt on, Liam’s never felt so beautiful, baby as he does now. Now that he’s with Garrett.
The Writing Style
In a surprising twist to the usual way these things go, this one was actually quite well written. It’s never going to win any prizes (unless there are awards for this kind of literature, in which case I want exact details about when they take place), but for what it is it’s fantastic. There are a few mistakes here and there, but these could have been easily fixed had Mr Fox given the manuscript one last proof read before publishing the thing.
In my adventures with this blog, which thus far have included gay raptors, straight raptors, horny zombies, lactating hucows and werewolves a’ pistoning, Mr Fox is, at the time of writing, the most capable of committing a thought to paper.
As a rule I don’t generally like to re-read any of these literary atrocities, but this one had me so damn confused I had to go over it again to prove that I wasn’t the one losing it. Here’s what I managed to figure out about what Garrett looks like:
- He’s a unicorn.
- But he walks upright.
- But he has four legs.
- He has a human chest, complete with rippling abs and pecs so big you could tit fuck them.
- But he’s really hairy.
- He has a horn that changes colour depending on his mood.
- His eyes are a glittery pink colour.
- He has hooves instead of hands and feet.
- But he can hold hands with a human, as well as jack off a human male.
- He has a unicorn’s head.
- But he has lips and is completely capable of making out with a human.
- His penis is magical and self-lubricating.
- His penis changes colour. I assume this is also dependent on mood.
- The first ejaculation is a silvery-purple colour.
- The second ejaculation contains gold nuggets.
Also, in small towns its very taboo for humans and unicorns to be together. That’s why Liam and Garrett need to be secret baes (their words, not mine). It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet if Shakespeare had dropped some acid and tried to proposition a horse.
You wouldn’t think that someone could squeeze all of that and several references to Liam’s heightened sense of stretched out ecstasy in just 19 pages, but Hunter Fox really did give it his all. That still doesn’t mean I would recommend it to anyone, but considering the very low bar that’s been set on this blog he’s doing alright for himself.
My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy Unicorn Made Me His Bae at Amazon.com