Book Review: Wet Hot Bears

25 Feb

We Hot Bears

Author: Theo Stone
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

OK, to be entirely honest the only reason I read this particular toilet tissue was because I misread the title as “We Hot Bears” and thought this was going to be some kind of spin on the three wise men. I got it kind of right – there were three men, but what was going on had absolutely nothing to do with wisdom.

The Plot

Rarely is the plight of the gym cleaner made more startlingly clear than in Theo Stone’s masterpiece Wet Hot Bears. Dexter’s a struggling student working a cleaning job at a gym where people throw up after they get off the treadmill a lot. Not only is this degrading, but it cuts into his time that would normally be spent attending to a more primal urge: masturbation (or “wanking”, in Dexter’s vernacular). After his boss tells him that he needs to work night shift Dexter silently resigns himself to yet another evening where his glistening love rod must go unwanked.

But that’s not to say that there aren’t perks to working the night shift, since Dexter does get an opportunity to spy on two slightly older, hairier men (or “bears”) who are busy working out late into the night. Dexter himself is an otter (a bear in training), and the sight of these two hairy beasts of men sends all the blood in his body in a southerly direction.

Deciding that it might be a bit odd to stare at two people working out Dexter decides to hit the showers to wash away the dirt and grime of the day. Brett and Andy, the bears, also need a shower (with a happy ending) and are going to take all that post-workout testosterone out on dear little Dexter’s frightened rosebud. Well, frightened at first, screaming shortly afterwards.

The Writing Style

I’m fairly convinced that Theo Stone wrote this while having a series of minor strokes.

For about 80% of the book (or 13.6 of the total 17 pages) everything is written fine and you can follow the story (shaggy though it may be) with little difficulty. It’s the other 20% that’s quite remarkable, where sentence structure, good grammar, and important words and clauses are simply thrown out the window like a screaming child when its mother’s having an off day.

While the missing pieces don’t exactly make Wet Hot Bears difficult to understand (anyone with a passing knowledge of pornographic threesomes will be able to follow this through to its conclusion), it troubles me that the state of the American economy is such that authors need to persevere through their strokes just to make ends meet. Something must be done so that no other erotica writer has to suffer in the same way that Theo Stone has suffered.

The Feelings

Like I have a hairball.

There’s not an awful lot to say about this pamphlet – if you like the idea of hairy men banging you in the shower and you can overlook the inconsistent writing style then you could probably get your rocks off by reading this. If you prefer more cleanly shaven men to bang you in the shower then I would suggest looking elsewhere to fulfill your soapy desires. If it’s the shower that’s the problem, and you don’t really mind what kind of man is banging you, then unfortunately you’re out of luck because the shower really is the fourth man in this story.

My search for a three wise men gay erotic novel continues…

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Wet Hot Bears at

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Posted by on February 25, 2016 in Book Review


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