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Book Review: Werepuffer

Werepuffer

Author: Mina Shay
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2014

With the exception of those damn 50s sci-fi movies a brief look at my more recent blog posts has revealed a worrying trend: I’ve been enjoying myself with various books, movies and games that could be considered “normal”. That kind of thing just can’t be allowed to go on without end, so I decided that it was about time I treated/subjected myself to some kind of unnatural literary sex.

When I go on the hunt for these fluid-soaked rags I rarely go in with a plan: I click on ‘erotica’ and wait to see what Amazon thinks is the best way to expedite the erosion of my psyche on that particular day. Today it decided it was time to expose me to the heretofore unheard of realm of shape-shifting pufferfish and their sexual prowess with human females.

The Plot

Dana is a marine biologist working on a top-secret military experiment to create a more voracious species of piranha. I personally don’t think that Dana would have understood any of the words in that sentence (with the possible exception of “Dana”), but apparently busty, stupid marine biologists in their underwear are all the rage these days.

Being the dimwitted marine biologist that she is Dana manages to fall into the tank with all the piranha, only to be saved by a mysterious giant pufferfish who magically appears where a guy named Paul was standing. Safely out of the tank Dana throws herself and her pufferfish in shining armour into the decontamination tank to wash off all the chemicals that are turning the piranhas into what ever the hell they’re meant to be.

To her complete surprise the pufferfish transforms into Paul after a bit of time in the decontamination tank (*insert fake surprised gasp here*) and Dana simply must think of someway to thank him for rescuing her from her own inability to control basic motor functions. Being a remarkably intelligent woman she obviously believes that sex is the best payment plan, and said “intelligence” quickly goes out the window as her apparent natural instinct to open her legs kicks in. On the upside it turns out that being a werepuffer comes with certain abilities, such as the ability to inflate and deflate your penis, thus stretching pussies to levels that pussies could hardly have imagined possible and so on and so forth.

The Writing Style

Mina Shay writes in a way that I imagine the people who do the scripts for porn write: you say “marine biologist”, but I’m seeing a blonde stripper with clear heels. I imagine this was exactly what Ms Shay was going for, so brava on that count.

Other than that it’s all rather generic: there’s pussies a-slopping, cocks a-puffing, clits a-rubbing, nipples a-squeezing; you get the picture. The werepuffer aspect is also actually only thrown in so that the Paul can screw Dana in what is likely a very chlorinated tank without the benefit of lube – this will eliminate unsightly chafing, but does very little to make the sex actually exciting.

The Feelings

Bored.

Despite it’s ridiculous concept Werepuffer contains some of the blandest sex I’ve ever read. If you run the risk of dying from eating pufferfish that hasn’t been prepared correctly then surely there should be some element of risk involved if you don’t fuck them properly either. By this book’s standards you could have sex with a well-muscled balloon and it would have the same earth-shattering climax of an effect.

I wonder if anyone’s written balloon erotica…

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Werepuffer at Amazon.com

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Posted by on March 30, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Tarantula

Tarantula

Released: 1955
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6.5 / 10

And thus the last of the aborted 1950s SCI-FI SPECTACULAR! reviews is released. During the preparatory phase of this little experiment I decided to watch one of the very few 50s movies I was actually familiar with (outside of those I’ve seen as part of MST3K). I remember Tarantula from my tween years when it aired on the SyFy Channel (back when they could still spell ‘Sci-Fi’ properly) – back then you knew you were serious about a movie when you recorded it and removed that little tab on the VHS tape which meant you couldn’t record over it. Somehow that little VHS tape landed up at our holiday house and it became a tradition that whenever the family went away for the weekend we’d all dutifully watch Tarantula, so it’s suitably steeped in tradition to form part of A World of Weird’s review archive.

God damn it Stephanie, could you science a little less like a woman?

God damn it Stephanie, could you science a little less like a woman?

The Plot

The world was alive with possibilities back in the 1950s. Women had dresses that compressed their waists to around 2 inches, you could smoke in a hospital, men could live with men in the middle of the desert miles away from civilisation but “just be friends”, and mad scientists could concoct anything their demented little minds could imagine so long as they had enough little beakers to put colourful (well, in this case, varying shades of grey) liquid into.

Professor Gerald Deemer just happens to be one of those mad scientists, and believe you me he has enough beakers to leave the small town of Desert Rock, Arizona reeling for years to come. You see, Professor Deemer is very concerned about population growth and how this will affect mankind’s old future. By his estimates there will easily be 3.5 billion people in the world by the year 2000, and there simply isn’t a conceivable way that we’re gonna be able to feed all those people. To tackle this problem he has created a super nutrient by combining pretty colourful water and an atomic isotope. The animals in his lab, including the eponymous tarantula, have thrived on this nutrient but have also grown well beyond the size God intended for them. Unfortunately Professor Deemer is attacked in his lab by a man suffering from very bad prosthetic makeup, a fire breaks out, and the tarantula escapes and begins its unholy reign of marginal terror across the desert.

While all of that’s happening heart-throb Dr Matt Hastings is very concerned about the number of people turning up dead in the middle of the desert, all of whom seem to have suffered the same horrifying case of bad prosthetic makeup as the man who attacked Professor Deemer. He’ll need all the help and perky bosoms that Professor Deemer’s lovely grad student Stephanie “call me Steve” Clayton can provide if he’s ever going to solve this bizarre mystery, as well as trying to figure out why there are so many horse skeletons littered across the desert next to giant puddles of spider venom…

The Wilson's barbeque was another rip-roaring success.

The Wilson’s barbeque was another rip-roaring success.

The Visuals

I’m not sure what you want me to say here. Admittedly I’m not very well acquainted with the movies of this era, and have absolutely no reverence for old-school special effects, so I probably laughed a lot more than I should have at what, at one stage, was perhaps earth-shattering cinematography.

The tarantula is amazing. Obviously shot on a very teeny tiny green screen and then edited into the main movie, half the time part of it disappears as its walking because the little thing must have moved outside the shot. You’ll quickly come to realise that they only have maybe 10 minutes’ worth of spider footage and they’re just gonna keep re-using the one that best fits in with what’s meant to be happening. The spider also can’t seem to decide what size it wants to be, so that changes depending on where it happens to find itself. And just when I thought I’d got the giggles from looking at the spider under control the damn thing went and roared/growled before it ate something, and that was just the beginning of the end.

The prosthetic makeup for the various victims lying around the desert were also a source of some good giggles. Again, I’m sure they were very advanced for their time, but sitting here 60 years down the track they just aren’t quite holding up as well you’d hope. Nevertheless, the giant roaring spider, the lumpily-deformed humans and the I’m-too-sexy-for-my-medical-degree Matt Hastings all combine for a fun little movie.

We can dance if we want to We can leave your friends behind Cause your friends don't dance And if they don't dance Well they're no friends of mine!

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind. Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friends of mine!

The Feelings

It was a different time.

I haven’t giggled at a movie like I did at this one for quite some time. The cheesy visuals and story aside (and they’re worth a good laugh on their own), when I was younger I didn’t quite register just how different things were when this movie was made. Some terrific lines from Tarantula include (but are not limited to):

“You give women the vote and what do you get? Lady scientists!”

“I may be a scientist Professor but a woman’s first responsibility is her hair.”

What makes it even better is that (1) is said in a flirtatious manner, and (2) is said in a tone that makes you think she was laying her hand on the Bible while she said it. Not that any of this is a bad thing, of course – the fact of the matter is I’ve gotten smarter and more and more politically incorrect as I’ve gotten older, so this means that little lines like these just make the movie even more fun than when I watched in back in the heyday of my youth.

If you haven’t seen Tarantula, I would thoroughly recommend it. You really can’t go wrong when you mix a giant roaring spider with some good old-fashioned, American-style, well-intended misogyny in one movie.

My Final Rating: 6 / 10
Buy Tarantula at Amazon.com

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Posted by on March 11, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Unicorn Made Me His Bae

Unicorn Made Me His BaeAuthor: Hunter Fox
Genre: Erotica / Fantasy
Published: 2015

At some point Tropical Mary and I really need to stop daring one another to read these trashy little toilet tissues, because at this rate someone is going to get seriously hurt. This latest blow to my psyche came after I gently insisted that she read some biblical erotica, which apparently didn’t bring her any closer to God.

Unicorn Made Me His Bae is the literary equivalent of being surprise butt fucked by Ke$ha: it comes out of nowhere, it’s incredibly uncomfortable while it’s happening, and because everything’s covered in glitter that’s somehow supposed to make it all better. Well guess what Mr Fox? The glitter doesn’t make it better!

The Plot

Liam is just a southern boy with his Levi’s on and an open heart, the type that wishes he could save the world, like he was Super Girl. He used to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love, but lately he’s been jaded because life got so complicated.

And by complicated I mean that he walked into a room to find his drunken best friend sucking off his good-for-nothing boyfriend. Devastated and heartbroken Liam gives Garrett a call to come rescue him from this awful situation. Garrett’s Liam’s oldest and bestest unicorn friend, a giant hulk of a thing that proceeds to hoof whip the ever-loving shit out of Liam’s soon-to-be ex. This manifestation of unbridled, bestial masculinity makes Liam feel safe and secure, and he invites Garrett over to dinner at his family’s place to say thank you.

But dinner’s the last thing on their minds that night, and the two find themselves alone in an orange grove. Here Liam realises just how much he loves his unicorn friend, and when Garrett speaks it’s like a song, and just like that all Liam’s walls come down. It’s like a private joke, just meant for them to know. They relate to each other naturally, and everybody else just fades away. Sometimes it’s hard for Liam to breathe, just knowing Garrett found him.

It’s also hard for Liam to breathe because his once-tight asshole is now being stretched to inconceivable limits by a colour-changing unicorn dick. But what’s important is that beyond that dick that laughs in the face of natural order, there’s a lot of love between these two. Because now that Liam’s with Garrett he can let his hair down. He can say anything crazy, knowing that Garrett’ll catch him right before he hits the ground. With nothing but a T-shirt on, Liam’s never felt so beautiful, baby as he does now. Now that he’s with Garrett.

The Writing Style

In a surprising twist to the usual way these things go, this one was actually quite well written. It’s never going to win any prizes (unless there are awards for this kind of literature, in which case I want exact details about when they take place), but for what it is it’s fantastic. There are a few mistakes here and there, but these could have been easily fixed had Mr Fox given the manuscript one last proof read before publishing the thing.

In my adventures with this blog, which thus far have included gay raptors, straight raptors, horny zombies, lactating hucows and werewolves a’ pistoning, Mr Fox is, at the time of writing, the most capable of committing a thought to paper.

The Feelings

Confusion.

As a rule I don’t generally like to re-read any of these literary atrocities, but this one had me so damn confused I had to go over it again to prove that I wasn’t the one losing it. Here’s what I managed to figure out about what Garrett looks like:

  1. He’s a unicorn.
  2. But he walks upright.
  3. But he has four legs.
  4. He has a human chest, complete with rippling abs and pecs so big you could tit fuck them.
  5. But he’s really hairy.
  6. He has a horn that changes colour depending on his mood.
  7. His eyes are a glittery pink colour.
  8. He has hooves instead of hands and feet.
  9. But he can hold hands with a human, as well as jack off a human male.
  10. He has a unicorn’s head.
  11. But he has lips and is completely capable of making out with a human.
  12. His penis is magical and self-lubricating.
  13. His penis changes colour. I assume this is also dependent on mood.
  14. The first ejaculation is a silvery-purple colour.
  15. The second ejaculation contains gold nuggets.

Also, in small towns its very taboo for humans and unicorns to be together. That’s why Liam and Garrett need to be secret baes (their words, not mine). It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet if Shakespeare had dropped some acid and tried to proposition a horse.

You wouldn’t think that someone could squeeze all of that and several references to Liam’s heightened sense of stretched out ecstasy in just 19 pages, but Hunter Fox really did give it his all. That still doesn’t mean I would recommend it to anyone, but considering the very low bar that’s been set on this blog he’s doing alright for himself.

My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy Unicorn Made Me His Bae at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on September 2, 2015 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: The Babadook (Ft. Tropical Mary)

The Babadook

Released: 2014
Genre: Drama / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6.9 / 10

Every now and then there comes along a movie so promising, so hyped and so full of interesting concepts that you just can’t wait to watch it. The Babadook’s trailer presented a woman’s bleak and desperate fight against an otherworldly creature out to get her and her young son for reasons unknown. Reviews for the movie as it became available were almost universally praising of this Australian-Canadian endeavour, raising hopes that the horror genre was alive and well in the 2010s.

And so I watched The Babadook in eager anticipation.

And went… “meh.”

And after I went “meh”, I spent months trying to convince Tropical Mary to watch the damn movie because I wanted a second opinion (everyone else was saying it’s amazing, I didn’t want to feel like I was the only lunatic in the asylum). Thankfully it turns out that I wasn’t alone in my feelings for this film (or, at the very least, the asylum now has two residents). This review is a mashing together of our feelings (and general sense of ‘meh’) as brought on by The Babadook.

Nope, a better version of the movie isn't under here...

Nope, a better version of the movie isn’t under here…

The Plot

Amelia is the dishevelled and stressed out single mother to young Samuel. Amelia’s husband died driving her to the hospital to have her son (and this is important, because the movie’s gonna be swinging this at you every opportunity it gets) and she’s just never quite gotten back on her feet. That Samuel is an annoying little shit doesn’t help, but we’ll get back to that.

Choosing to read her son a bedtime story (where I personally would have held his under water until he stopped struggling), Amelia and Sam discover a strange book called Mister Babadook on his shelf. The story tells of a strange supernatural spirit called Mister Babadook (duh…) who, once a person is aware of his existence, will torment the person. Amelia, being reasonably level-headed at this point, decides the book is inappropriate and destroys it. Sam, having the general disposition of a howler monkey on a corn syrup drip, believes Mister Babadook to be real and coming after him and his mom.

Following a complete decline in Sam’s behaviour, primarily driven by his belief that the Babadook is real, Amelia is forced to take him out of school and place him on some pretty heavy medication to try and keep him nice and sedate. But while Sam’s becoming more and more manageable Amelia’s beginning to show the signs of a complete psychological breakdown as a result of her unmanaged grief and unmanageable son. This causes her behaviour to become increasingly erratic and her behaviour towards her son more abusive. In amongst this she too has started to see the Babadook and the unusual and seemingly inexplicable events taking place in her home…

...but the monster is suitably creepy...

…but the monster is suitably creepy.

The Visuals

I will give credit to the Babadook’s actual appearance, which in my opinion was genuinely creepy, looking and moving exactly like something from a pop-up book come malevolently to life. This is all fine and well but you don’t actually see that much of the Babadook since, despite its top-billing in the movie’s title, it isn’t actually integral to the plot.

Other than the monster itself the special effects were rather run of the mill given the film’s $2 million budget, which seems to have been largely spent buying every shade of drab paint you could imagine to paint Amelia’s house.

This kid man...

This kid man…

The Feelings

A combination of confusion and indifference. The ultimate question as this movie hobbles on towards an ending is ‘what the hell is the Babadook exactly’? This is exactly where the movie starts to fall apart.

The Babadook is first shown in the aforementioned book, but it doesn’t explain what it is or what motivates it to torment people. I wouldn’t expect this kind of information so early on, but the truth is that this information is never provided and the questions never answered. Some films manage to use this mystery to great effect, and not knowing what motivates the antagonist (or, similarly, having an antagonist who does things just because it can) can create a great sense of dread in the audience. That sense is lacking in The Babadook, and the audience is left wondering whether it wanted Amelia, Sam, both of them, neither of them, Amelia’s tooth… It doesn’t help that it feels like the Babadook is actually driven by some kind of agenda that the movie is either too clever or too inept to let the audience in on.

When it comes to Sam, if he were my child and the Babadook was after him, I would gladly offer him up. I would find a dozen other better children to give to the Babadook in exchange for taking Sam. Watching the movie you can see exactly what they were going for, and his excessive screaming is meant to drive the desperation Amelia feels. Unfortunately it goes a bit too far to the point of being grating, and when he mellows out later on he’s already too unlikeable and the movie’s too far along for the audience to start caring about whether he makes it or not.

Watching Amelia is just depressing. Again, you can see exactly what they were going for – this poor woman, left widowed at what is meant to be the happiest moment of her life, trying to manage an increasingly difficult child while holding down a soul-destroying job and receiving no support from her friends or family. Like Sam, however, this portrayal is taken too far and the audience is left with a woman who is too broken and too erratic and instead of hoping she’ll make it through you pray that the Babadook will put her out of her misery.

Finally, there’s the all-important question: what the hell is going on? The obvious answer is that the Babadook isn’t real, but rather a manifestation of Amelia’s increasingly unstable mental state. Certainly we’re given enough clues to back this up – the fact that she, at one point, wrote children’s books, or that the Babadook’s antics become more brazen as her psychological breakdown kicks into fifth gear. Equally, however, there are enough things going on to make the Babadook’s supernatural presence a real thing, and her breakdown is a result of its continuing torment and not a projection of the breakdown itself. Some movies manage to play this very well, and at the end it suddenly dawns on you what’s really been going on and makes all the puzzle pieces fit together. Not so with The Babadook. Instead, a horde of petulant children (or just Sam) came screaming into the room, through the puzzle box against the wall, and ran out again. There’s no closure and ultimately no answers.

A visual representation of my frustration after the movie ended.

A visual representation of my frustration after the movie ended.

Final Thoughts

Once the movie was finished and I’d had time to mull it all over, my opinion was that this was an amazing drama that could have told a very deep and insightful story about a woman struggling to come to grips with her grief that someone decided to tack an unneeded supernatural element on to. There are so many different elements at play trying to outdo one another throughout the film’s length, very few of which are actually brought to fruition and most of which are introduced briefly and then discarded just as quickly.

My whole issue with The Babadook is that at every point I could see exactly what it was it was trying to do, but absolutely none of it came out right. Coupled with the fact that the plot was in no way imaginative enough and the development was ridiculously obvious and confusing at the same time, there’s really not enough going on here to give this movie any kind of recommendation.

How this got the rave reviews it did I don’t know, but my honest feeling is that one person of a far more ‘artsy’ disposition than myself thought it was amazing and other reviewers, unwilling to admit that they didn’t understand what’s going on, simply agreed.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy The Babadook on Amazon.com

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Posted by on June 26, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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