Author: Chuck Tingle
You know what’s worse than heterosexual dinosaur erotica? Gay dinosaur erotica. In space. Upon being provided intelligence by a mutual friend that such a sub-genre of erotic literature existed, Tropical Mary and I both decided to read one of these little pamphlets to see what it was all about. She’s still quite traumatised by hers. I learned that Chuck Tingle, the ‘author’ of this abomination of literature, needs to be set on fire and his grave salted to ensure that his spirit never rises again.
Lance Tanner is a one man terraforming machine. Stationed on the planet Zorbus, Lance is in charge of overseeing the station that will attempt to terraform a planet that mankind really has no business trying to terraform. The planet has virtually no gravity, no breathable air, no water, none of the basic things that make existing possible. But this is apparently the best our allegedly intergalactic species could manage to find upon the advice of scientists who, beyond any shadow of a doubt, insist that Earth will only be around for another ten years. Because reasons.
Now, being alone on a planet is imaginably lonely. Thankfully Lance bumps into Orion one day when he’s out and about checking on the terraforming station. Who is Orion, you might ask. Silly reader, Orion is a velociraptor astronaut from Earth II. Earth II you say? Well, it turns out that mankind did some revisionist history writing when it came to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Rather than dying out entirely (leaving the planet hospitable to the evolution of mammals), what they actually did was build enormous space ships and go off in search of a less hostile planet than Earth. Duh.
As the only two creatures on the planet Lance and Orion become firm friends, hanging out and chatting every day. Now, when two friends spend that much time together there’s only one possible outcome. No, not some kind of bonding of the soul where you share your innermost fears and dreams with a person you’ve come to love in an entirely platonic way. Sex. Dirty, nasty, confusing, physically impossible sex. Sex that makes you feel ashamed just for reading what they’re doing. Sex that makes you want to scrub your skin until it falls off because you feel so dirty for letting the images penetrate your mind. Sex that leaves you shaking on the floor in an immovable heap because your brain has gone into shock and is trying to protect you from what you’re doing to yourself by reading this atrocity. That kind of sex.
And it all happens in 15 pages.
The Writing Style
Imagine the worst porn you’ve ever seen. Now imagine that porn had an anthropomorphic dinosaur in it. Now imagine that that porn was transcribed to the written word. Now imagine that the transcription was shortened into an executive summary of the film. Now imagine that the executive summary was loaded with spelling and grammar errors. You now have the essence of Chuck Tingle’s writing style. Do with this information what you will.
Whilst I spent the majority of my 10 minute sitting with this ‘book’ swinging between feelings of confusion and revulsion, I will give it credit for asking the tough questions and providing some insightful answers.
Q. Does attraction to a same-sex but different-species mate change your sexual orientation?
A. “Our difference is species surely couldn’t classify my as gay, could it?”
Q. Is the ‘no homo’ rule applicable to an inter-species relationship?
A. “I mean, it’s not gay if it’s a dude raptor and a dude human, right?”
Q. Between dinosaurs and humans, who’s the better lay?
A. “Raptors have been fucking for billions of years before humans were even around.”
Q. If dinosaurs are the better lay, does this have an impact on how the sex would unfold?
A. “The raptor would have to be in control though; dominating, even.”
Q. Do gay astronauts talk dirty?
A. “Pound me like the homo spaceboy that I am”
Q. Does inter-species immediately imply some form of BDSM-style relationship?
A. “How does it feel to punish your astronaut human sex toy?”
So I guess if you have to walk away feeling violated by the literature we read, at least we can say we learned something from the experience.
My Final Rating: 1/10
Buy Space Raptor Butt Invasion on Amazon.com