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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji V: The Final Chapter

Urotsukidoji V

Released: 1996
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10

For a while there I thought this day would never come. After more than a year of subjecting myself to a never-ending barrage of penis tornadoes, Nazi death rape machines, incest-not-incest, and Orgies By Infants™, I’m finally free! I have borne witness to things that no person, Japanese or otherwise, should to be subjected to (the inhuman things that Russian women were offering to do for and to me while I was trying to find subtitles alone would make your hair stand on end). With the closing credits to Urotsukidōji V: The Final Chapter I rid myself of this evil and draw to an end this protracted attack on my psyche!

Giving birth is a beautiful miracle.

Giving birth is a beautiful miracle.

The Plot

Unlike the other installments in this franchise, which were complete if nonsensical, part 5 was scrapped before it was finished, so what we have here is the beginning of a story without an end, and it’s got some major retconning it wants to do in its 50 or so minutes of runtime.

Remember the Overfiend from all the previous installments? Wrong! That wasn’t the Overfiend. That was a false Overfiend sent from the Demon Realm to fool us into something something something. In order to make itself more powerful it tried to steal the Lord of Chaos’ power by sexing it out of her. Himi (the Lord of Chaos) isn’t one to be out-sexed, however, and launches a counter sex attack and steals all of his power instead. The false Overfiend vanquished and its powers slowly dripping down Himi’s thigh the Lord of Chaos vanishes, never to bog down the new story line again.

So where does that leave us? Somehow through a series of explanations that really didn’t make any sense Amano (our always lovely anti-hero) finds himself staring out at the same evening from the end of the first installment: Nagumo, in the form of the Destroyer Demon, is busy destroying the world, Akemi’s still pregnant with the Overfiend, and demons are running around raping and killing everything in sight. BUT! while it is still the exact same evening, 100 years have also passed, and the true Overfiend is ready to be born.

I don't remember buying these...

I don’t remember buying these…

In a manner truly becoming of the Urotsukidōji series the Overfiend isn’t so much born as it is orgasmed out of Akemi in a truly bizarre and green-tinged birthing/self-pleasure scene. Her duties fulfilled Amano moves to save Akemi and return her to a normal life (in a world that’s being blown to pieces), but the Overfiend isn’t done with any of them yet.

The true Overfiend has grown tired of the Humans, Beasts, and Demons, and has decided to pit these three against one another until they bring about their own mutually assured extinction. In their place the Overfiend wants to leave his new race: the Messengers of Imagination. This race is neither male nor female but at the same time is both. What I mean by this is that they have masculine and feminine features (a very feminine face but a flat masculine chest, for example) and no demonstrable genitalia. No demonstrable genitalia, that is, unless they want to have sex, in which case they can grow whatever they want and swap between the two at will. They also speak to one another by making a noise that sounds like a very sexy and seductive pigeon.

Naturally Amano isn’t about to just hand over the collapsing world to these oddly ravishing creatures in their skin-tight pink outfits who keep falling from the sky out of the Overfiend’s vagina spaceship. The war to save the three warring races from the new genocidal race is on (and we’re never going to find out how it ends)!

I always knew our end would come in the form of pink spandex.

I always knew our end would come in the form of pink spandex.

The Visuals

The whole thing harks back to the first installment in terms of its graphic depiction of violence and general sexual depravity, so a lot of whether you’re going to enjoy The Final Chapter hinges on whether or not you enjoyed where the story began.

What does become an issue is that not only was the story left unfinished, this actual episode was unfinished as well. As a result the animation is rather choppy, with in-between frames missing which leaves the action happening on-screen jumping around a little bit. It also relies a fair bit on re-using scenes from previous installments (again, primarily the first one) to pad out its runtime. Given that the style shifted and changed slightly over the years, added to the unpolished veneer of its own animation, what you’re left with can, at times, be a somewhat jarring backwards and forwards in terms of quality.

We call this position 'the tantric apocalypse'.

We call this position ‘the tantric apocalypse’.

The Feelings

Oddly disappointed.

Over the course of the depravity that is Urotsukidōji I have come, the unnerving father animatronic-daughter sex scene aside, to appreciate this series for what it is. This story, and particularly the new race of beings it introduced, had a lot of potential. Squelchy potential, mind you, but potential none the less. For the first time I was actually quite interested to see where they wanted to go with the story, and it seems a tad bit unfair that by the time I eventually get into what I’m watching they decide that they don’t want to do anything with it anymore. I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes, and believe me, many cookies have crumbled over the course of this franchise.

So, to reiterate: it’s done! It’s finally done! Never again will I be subjected to a… what’s that?… I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I could’ve sworn that you… The New Saga?! YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDD… We’ll be right back.

My Final Rating: 5 / 10

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding

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Author: The Honourable Sir Edmund Quimlove
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

“Dare he bury his musket betwixt the nether lips of such an innocent girl…”

You know, I like it when people (and books) are upfront with me: if you’re gonna be a trashy piece of filth, just tell me that. I’ll respect you all the more for it. So when I happened upon Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding I imagined I’d come across just that: a little toilet tissue that was open about wanting to get down and nasty for 20 pages or so.

But alas, it wasn’t to be. Who would’ve thought that someone as honourable as Sir Edmund Quimlove would have dared to lead his audience astray? There I was, reluctantly anticipating tight virgins and sloppy poundings, but what did I get instead? Some very odd and poorly thought out roleplay. For shame Sir Quimlove, for shame.

The Plot

Jonathan and Tabitha Pemberton are an ever so loving couple living an ever so delightful life and who speak in an ever so confusing old-timey rural British accent. While peacefully reclining after a delightful supper but finding the larder entirely devoid of cherry pie for dessert the two decide that this would be a most opportune time to make the beast with two backs.

But what to do? Having recently attempted anal and faced with the reality that Tabitha only has so many orifices in which to stuff things the two need to decide on some other way of spicing up their after dinner carnal treat. Thankfully Tabitha is as smart as she is whorish and she comes up with a most titillating idea (that she probably read about in Ye Olde Cosmo): roleplay. She’ll play the virgin recently come of age whose body pulses with the need for sexual release whenever her father pops off to market, and Jonathan will be a door-to-door lion tamer.

With such a hungry and ferocious kitty as Tabitha’s, will Jonathan’s expert (and somewhat unorthodox) lion taming skills quell the fire in the savage beast? Carry on dear reader, and be left completely unshocked and unaroused!

The Writing Style

You would think that the idea of a door-to-door lion tamer would be the most bizarre thing you’d come across in a work such as this, but Sir Quimlove has a few more tricks up his sleeve.

To start with the positives, from a technical point of view there isn’t anything wrong with the way Be a Dear… (I’m not writing that title out over and over) is written, with impeccable grammar and a varied vocabulary throughout. The issue for me was in the way that the characters’ copious dialogue was written.

Jonathan and Tabitha, when not in an aroused state, speak in a very prim and proper Victorian manner becoming of a young couple from decent backgrounds who take picnics by the river bank. When aroused, however, Tabitha’s regular speech pattern becomes interspersed with a vocabulary more becoming of an aging Eastern bloc porn star with tattooed-on makeup who isn’t afraid to finger herself while wearing false nails. For example:

“It hardly seems proper to have relations with a girl whose name I don’t even know.’
“Call me your fucking slut, or perhaps your filthy whore, or even your pretty, little cocksucker.

Not convinced? How about this one:

“Will you coat my limber, young body in gallons of your sloppy cum until my sweet, innocent face is dripping with the liquid remnants of our torrid relations?”

Perhaps this would all make a bit more sense if I’d known that this was the second book in a series before I read it, but I stand by the fact that trying to be a posh Victorian and a 40-something prostitute named Olga just doesn’t work. Either go all out and be filthy right the way through, or (especially for comedic effect) have really rough sex being described by really polite country folk. Just don’t try and do both – it’s more jarring than what was happening to Tabitha’s poor kitty.

The Feelings

Confused, briefly laughing, and then bored.

For all the big promises in this book’s title and the rather bizarre approach it takes to character portrayal, ultimately it’s completely lacking in anything vaguely erotic. Maybe I’m just boring in bed, but my understanding of roleplay is that it’s meant to allow you to play out some kind of fantasy with your significant other. If this is the case, if someone came to me saying that they were a door-to-door lion tamer while trying to be all sensual and whatnot I think I’d collapse on the floor laughing and sexy time would be over well before it ever started. Of course we at A World of Weird don’t advocate judging anyone based on their sexual proclivities, so if you wanna get it on with a door-to-door lion tamer then you let your freak flag fly high!

Once you put the odd choice of situation to the side all you’re left with is the usual slopping orifices, raging erections, vicious poundings and unnatural quantities of semen. Sir Quimlove, while I commend you for managing to write something that is both peculiar and mundane it simply isn’t enough to earn a recommendation from my side.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Book Review: The Bagel Sandwich Bang

The Bagel Sandwich Bang

Author: Oliver Clozov
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

“…he never imagined that an everyday snack could turn into an everyday fuck.”

As much as I do enjoy seeing Tropical Mary go through agony at the sheer assault on the senses that is the Amazon erotica section, I felt that our joint escapade with Lord Metalcock was perhaps one step too far and that it would be unfair for her to suffer an ordeal like reviewing Oliver Clozov on her own. To atone for this I dutifully went off to find the author’s page so I could subject myself to some of his literary offal as well. Enter (literally and figuratively) The Bagel Sandwich Bang.

I had a lot of questions. For example: Why? What is going on with this cover? Am I really going to spend $1.13 on this? Is it a sentient bagel? The Stygian Mole also asked aloud what I had only dared to ponder internally: was it a cream cheese bagel? I was fairly certain that whatever happened it was going to end up being one, but perhaps the bagel’s origin story deserved to be told.

Such is the story of how I don’t feel like eating lunch today.

The Plot

“Plot” is too generous a word for what’s going on here. Prior experience should have taught me not to expect anything so tremendously outlandish as a sentient bagel from this fool, but dare to dream I did.

This story really is nothing other than a guy named Randy fucking a sandwich. He kicked his girlfriend out of the house and to get over his instantaneous loneliness he makes a sandwich and, on the spur of the moment, decides to fuck it. I take that back – “fuck it” isn’t the right term for what happens here. Randy makes love to the sandwich. That sandwich knew a type of affection that most of us can only dream of. For 20 minutes that sandwich knew love and the tender touch of a man.

But then the sandwich got chucked out because nobody wants to eat their own mayonnaise. And in the end, despite all the loving words and his gentle caresses, Randy isn’t any better than any other guy – his needs satiated by its wholegrain crust he turns his eye to the ripe and fruity cantaloupe just sitting there in his kitchen.

Ladies (and gents), don’t feel bad if your man has a bit of a wandering eye. It’s not you – if this sandwich couldn’t keep a man, then us lesser beings really shouldn’t be down on ourselves if we can’t either.

The Writing Style

Unlike with the misadventures of Lord Metalcock, Oliver (who I’m still convinced is 13-years-old) didn’t turn himself on halfway through the story, so instead of starting out badly and getting horribly worse it just started out as miserably below par and stayed there, so if not for style it at least scores points for consistency.

And say what you want about this piece of trash but you could use it in high schools to teach kids the concept of personification. That sandwich wasn’t doing a damn thing except being the unknowing recipient of unnatural lust for the course of this toilet tissue’s 23 pages, but Randy loved that thing more than any man has ever loved another human being. And I say good for the sandwich, everything deserves to feel loved.

The Feelings

So very confused.

Lord Metalcock taught me that little Oliver doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sex works. The Bagel Sandwich Bang taught me that he doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sandwich making or bagels work either. Granted I come from South Africa, so maybe it’s a cultural difference, but down here our bagels already have a hole in the centre – it’s kind of what makes them bagels. So I’m really not sure why Randy had to cut a hole into his bagel before he could have sex with it.

I’m equally unclear about how this could be as pleasurable as described, for two reasons. Firstly, this is a wholegrain bagel. Wholegrain usually has bits of grain in it, and given the circumstances those bits are going to land up in places you really don’t want them. Given that I prefer to eat my food in a more traditional manner I may be missing something here, but I imagine that a white bagel would be a smoother ride. I leave this point to those who are more familiar with the practices described in this book to point out if I am wrong. Secondly, and again maybe things are different overseas, my experience of bagels is that they aren’t a tremendously robust bread product. For this reason I’m not convinced that a single bagel, particularly one that has already been piled full of condiments, could withstand a 20 minute pounding. Perhaps there are especially durable bagels that one can purchase for alternative uses such as this, but if so I must again defer to the wisdom of those more familiar with sitophilia than myself.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy The Bagel Sandwich Bang at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 8, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Book Review: Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos 2

Author: Kacey Zen
Genre: Erotica / Horror
Published: 2015

So a little while ago this popped up in my Twitter notifications:

Kacey Zen Tweet

I felt bad, especially considering that I had been a little harsh in my review (I may or may not have implied that Ms Zen’s brain was riddled with tapeworm). I’m man enough to admit when I’ve made a mistake, and I thought that perhaps I had been too rash in my assessment of Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #1. Maybe I’d had a rough day, maybe I wasn’t in the right head space, there are a myriad reasons you can misjudge a literary work.

With all that in mind I decided that the only fair way to judge whether I was wrong about Kacey Zen was to read Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2: Rug Munchers VS. Dick Heads, and I’m happy to report that it all turned out just as I had suspected: I’m never wrong.

The Plot

Kacey Zen’s trying to get all literary up in this gig, let me tell you.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 tells the story of two women, Vanessa and Rita, and how they came to find themselves as members of the Rug Munchers, an all-lesbian survival gang trying to make it in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland.

Vanessa was a young girl from a good home in a small town who moved to the big city with a simple dream: to become a porn star and ride the biggest fucking dicks you’ve ever seen from dawn until dusk. Fate cut this dream short when, just as she was about to do her first scene, her coworker overdosed on cocaine and became a zombie, forcing the military to evacuate her from her room.

Rita’s story is a bit darker. Some good old-fashioned parenting has left her crippled by her mother’s anxiety when it comes to “real” men, and she has gone through life dating androgynous guys and butch girls. But there’s a void deep within her begging to be filled. Cue donkey-dicked Frank, an Adonis Rita met when he was taking a shower in the parking lot behind her vegan café. Frank technically raped Rita in the café but she liked it and managed to record it, and she uses that recording to blackmail him into fucking her in every orifice whenever she wants, sometimes as many as twenty times a day.

An untold number of years later Frank’s dead and Vanessa and Rita are now members of the Rug Munchers, but Rita wants revenge. Revenge on Vanessa for fucking Frank, and revenge on her girlfriend Betty for killing him right before she herself was going to stab him with a butcher’s knife. But this revenge plot gets complicated when the Rug Munchers come up against the Dick Heads, a group of men on the prowl for women to fuck and then eat, and our lovely ladies in flannel will need to think on their backs if they’re gonna make it out of this alive.

The Writing Style

This was the issue with my review of the first pamphlet in (what some might loosely call) this series, so let’s start off with the good before we get into the bad.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 is just over twice the length of its predecessor, coming in at a whopping 42 pages. With all these extra pages Ms Zen has managed to get her pronouns right and flesh out her characters a bit more, so instead of the rather two-dimensional Ava from the first pamphlet you now have wholly unlikable characters like Vanessa and Rita.

What these extra pages have not fixed is the fact that Ms Zen struggles to put together a coherent sentence. God knows that before I publish a review I need to take out at least a dozen commas that shouldn’t be there (and maybe pop one or two in where I wasn’t paying attention), but at least I take the time to do it. I can also be accused of using the same word repetitively because, at that time, I was quite fond of it, but during the proof reading stage I will change it up a bit and even consult a thesaurus if need be. My point here, Ms Zen, is that there are other ways to refer to a woman’s vagina than constantly repeating the word “pussy” ad nauseam, with nothing to differentiate these various pussies other than their degree of wetness.

Also, and this is some free advice, when more than two people are engaged in dialogue (and even if it’s just two people for an extended period of time) YOU NEED TO INDICATE TO THE READER WHO IT IS THAT’S SPEAKING! For fuck’s sake…

The Feelings

Sweet Zombie Jesus, where do I even begin?

You know what, I’m not even going to focus on the all the things that can be considered wrong with having zombies with what may well be 34 inch penises double penetrating a woman, you can let your imagination run wild with you on that front. Equally, if your mother didn’t teach you that it’s wrong to keep women captive while flooding their systems with heroin and raping them repeatedly then I don’t imagine that there’s much that I can say to set you right.

What I am going to focus on is just how every idea in this soiled one-ply piece of toilet tissue is just so wrong. You want toxic ideas of what constitutes a “real” man? It’s all here! Want to see how a woman being a crazy, possessive stalker is really just how women show that they care? You better believe that’s in here! Fancy seeing the notion that lesbians aren’t cheating on one another if one of them sleeps with a man? I’m not sure if it was intentional, but it’s here! Forgotten that all a lesbian really wants out of life is a really big dick to fuck her endlessly? Let this pamphlet remind you of what may have slipped your mind!

While the first pamphlet really did nothing for me, this one made me angry. I lifted my head up to the heavens many times in the 20 minutes it took me to read this, praying that some higher power would give me answers, but none were forthcoming. Lacking divine guidance I’m not sure whether I should direct my anger at Ms Zen for perpetuating the ideas sprinkled so liberally throughout this pamphlet, or at the audience who will find nothing amiss about it.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Violence Jack

Violence Jack

Released: 1986 (Slum King), 1988 (Evil Town), 1990 (Hell’s Wind)
Genre: Anime / Action / Horror
IMDB Rating: 5.3 (Slum King), 5.4 (Evil Town), 5.1 (Hell’s Wind) / 10

It’s been quite a while since my last run-in with anime when I was touched in a bad place by Urotsukidōji IV: Inferno Road. Given my complete lack of knowledge of the Japanese language I’m still trying to decide on the best way to watch the final episode in Overfiend’s saga, but I felt that it was time to bring the weird back to the World of Weird.

And so I settled on Violence Jack. It wasn’t nearly as soul-destroying as the Overfiend’s series, and for that I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies, but on the other hand it wasn’t nearly as much fun because I don’t need to undergo several counselling sessions to build myself back up. Perhaps I should be happy about that, but for some odd reason I’m not.

At first there was the death.

At first there was the death…

The Plot

The stories in each OVA don’t overlap with one another so I’ll deal with them separately, but they do all feature Violence Jack (obviously) in a near-future world where the Kanto region in Japan has been devastated by an asteroid strike and subsequent earthquakes and other natural disasters. I guess the Indigo League will need to move.

Slum King

Fuck only knows what the plot of this installment was. I watched all its 38 minutes of runtime had to offer, but everything I got out of it can be summarised thusly:

  • Asteroid strikes Japan, chaos ensues.
  • Mad Max-style breakdown of society.
  • Angry bikers rock up.
  • Angry bikers kidnap women to run their BDSM-inspired slave ring.
  • Star-crossed lovers (?)
  • Violence Jack rocks up to protect the weak and emancipate the subs from the doms.
  • Guns
  • Helicopter crash
  • Phoenix (?) flying across a beautiful dawn sky.

Evil Town

Ostensibly the most violent and deplorable of the Violence Jack OVAs, this was at least a lot easier to follow.

Following the earthquakes that rocked Kanto part of the Tokyo Underground has been completely sealed off from ground-level. The trapped survivors have broken off into what are essentially three tiny city states: Section A has all the white-collar survivors, who are trying to re-establish some kind of civil order; Section B has all the crazies and the loons who are headed up by Mad Saurus and his assistant Blue (who is either a transsexual or the victim of poor voice casting choices); and Section C, which is comprised entirely of models who got stuck on a train.

After being released from a concrete tomb Jack does the rounds for a bit before deciding that his brute strength is needed most in Section C after the women give him a little history of what’s been going on down in the Underground (all non-consensual sex, all the time). It’s up to Jack to help the ladies find a way out of the Underground before they fall victims to the outright loons in Section B and the suppressed loons in Section A.

...and then there was some light BDSM...

…and then there was some light BDSM…

Hell’s Wind

At least some form of normal society remains in the ravaged Kanto region: Hope Town. Hope Town’s a tiny little place filled with good people who are just trying to rebuild their lives and regain some sense of normality. That is, until Hell’s Wind blows into town. Hell’s Wind are a group of deranged bikers who were once a small nuisance but who have really found themselves in this apocalyptic wasteland.

The people of Hell’s Wind are arguably more interested in destruction and personal violation than they are in stealing supplies, and when faced with that type of foe you need to meet violence with yet more violence (Jack). Jack will be assisted by Jun, a young secretary-type turned fuming Amazon who’s single-mindedly determined to get revenge on Hell’s Wind for ripping her boyfriend in two with a chainsaw. Hell hath no fury and all that I suppose.

...and then there was this female (?) with the odd voice...

…and then there was this female (?) with the odd voice…

The Visuals

Much like the story line, you have to hang in there and wait for it to gradually get better.

In ‘Slum King’ the animation was horrible, where in fact most of what was on-screen was either a still photo with some effects added on, or a repeat shot of something else we’ve already seen just being played again for a different scenario. Coupled with the very weak story the poor animation made for a very bland and uninteresting romp.

‘Evil Town’ and ‘Hell’s Wind’ were much better off as the animation was brought up to standard. ‘Hell’s Wind’ is the best of the two by a slim margin, which I attribute to it being the most recent of the lot, but in both you really do get to see the intestines flying in all their squishy, blood-dripping glory. It’s such a pity that 3D wasn’t as advanced when this was made as it is today.

...and then we had some light cannibalism to finish off the afternoon.

…and then we had some light cannibalism to finish off the afternoon.

The Feelings

Boredom and disappointment.

Perhaps others will disagree, and maybe I’m running the risk of sounding like a completely unstable individual, but my primary disappointment with Violence Jack is that I didn’t find it to be particularly violent. To qualify that, there is a lot of killing going on, and a fair amount of blood is flying all over the place. With that said, however, the killing is largely a slash-kill-blood-next affair, rather than the sadistic violence I have been subjected to in other anime.

My main way of judging anime of this sort is by how uncomfortable it makes me when I watch it, and with one or two slight exceptions in ‘Evil Town’ Violence Jack didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. This is not the kind of letdown I want to feel when I’ve psyched myself up and whipped out the good poncho in anticipation of flying bodily fluids that hardly materialise.

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Violence Jack at Amazon.com

TRAILER

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Forced Gay By The Swamp Monster

Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster

Author: Clara Bright
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

Those of you kind enough to read this blog will have noticed that I’ve been quite quiet of late, but for a while I’ve really wanted to get back into my blogging. My brain’s too addled to focus on a movie and I’m a bit off from finishing the book I’m actually quite enjoying, so I decided to kick start myself with a little light smut. After browsing through my collection of unread filthy tissues that would put my mother in an early grave I settled on Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster because it combined the two things I really needed at that stage: outlandish, bizarre sex and a very small page count.

The Plot

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

Matt’s a researcher in an undisclosed field working with Dr Hall, a distinguished researcher in a distinguished undisclosed field. The two of them are busy trekking through an unnamed marsh in an unspecified region of what may be America in search of an unnamed flower that was a very important component in a fertility rite of an unrevealed native people. Nice move Ms Bright, let your audience imagine their own setting.

When Matt goes off on his own to try and cover more ground he comes across the electric-blue flower that the two researchers are looking for, but the flower is only the tip of the iceberg here. You see, the flower’s attached to a very extensive (and, as will become apparent, very horny) plant, which quickly entwines Matt and drags him off to what admittedly sounds like a fairly serene little area. I mean, if I was going to be physically invaded by a flower I’d at least appreciate it if it did it to me somewhere with a nice atmosphere.

The world of Amazon erotica has taught me that there are many types of plants that want to have their way with you, but I’ll give props to this one for being different – it has the beauty of a rose but the skills of a well-seasoned whore.

Oh Matt, poor Matt.

The Writing Style

This was actually quite surprising because Clara Bright writes with a level of skill well above her subject matter. There were a few errors here and there but those I felt were more from a lack of a thorough proofread than anything else. I also quite enjoyed Ms Bright’s rather extensive vocabulary, rather than being subjected to the usual barrage of synonyms for “rock hard” and “cock”. As this was a gay piece of erotica I was also spared the usual litany of slopping snatches and gushing juices.

I do hope that Ms Bright finds a way to write actual books in the future, because she is clearly better than this.

The Feelings

Piqued interest and sadness.

The more stuff I read for this blog the more convinced I become that I’m just lazy in the bedroom. While I can honestly say my mind has never pondered nor fantasised about the possibility of being ravished by a taproot, what is oddly impressive here is that because Clara Bright can actually write Forced Gay by the Swamp Monster is the closest thing I’ve come to while reading for this blog that was actually erotic, hence my piqued interest. It waned rapidly when it turned out that the plant (there is no actual swamp monster in this pamphlet) likes to get a little kinky, but not wanting to have sentient twigs shoved down my urethra is purely a personal preference.

What made me sad was that as I read this and glimpsed beyond the sexual advances of a blue-balled weed I saw some real writing potential in Ms Bright. I think it’s quite remarkable that a person, given the subject matter and maybe 20 pages to work with, can actually come up with something halfway erotic.

Ms Bright must desperately need to pay rent.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Book Review: Werepuffer

Werepuffer

Author: Mina Shay
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2014

With the exception of those damn 50s sci-fi movies a brief look at my more recent blog posts has revealed a worrying trend: I’ve been enjoying myself with various books, movies and games that could be considered “normal”. That kind of thing just can’t be allowed to go on without end, so I decided that it was about time I treated/subjected myself to some kind of unnatural literary sex.

When I go on the hunt for these fluid-soaked rags I rarely go in with a plan: I click on ‘erotica’ and wait to see what Amazon thinks is the best way to expedite the erosion of my psyche on that particular day. Today it decided it was time to expose me to the heretofore unheard of realm of shape-shifting pufferfish and their sexual prowess with human females.

The Plot

Dana is a marine biologist working on a top-secret military experiment to create a more voracious species of piranha. I personally don’t think that Dana would have understood any of the words in that sentence (with the possible exception of “Dana”), but apparently busty, stupid marine biologists in their underwear are all the rage these days.

Being the dimwitted marine biologist that she is Dana manages to fall into the tank with all the piranha, only to be saved by a mysterious giant pufferfish who magically appears where a guy named Paul was standing. Safely out of the tank Dana throws herself and her pufferfish in shining armour into the decontamination tank to wash off all the chemicals that are turning the piranhas into what ever the hell they’re meant to be.

To her complete surprise the pufferfish transforms into Paul after a bit of time in the decontamination tank (*insert fake surprised gasp here*) and Dana simply must think of someway to thank him for rescuing her from her own inability to control basic motor functions. Being a remarkably intelligent woman she obviously believes that sex is the best payment plan, and said “intelligence” quickly goes out the window as her apparent natural instinct to open her legs kicks in. On the upside it turns out that being a werepuffer comes with certain abilities, such as the ability to inflate and deflate your penis, thus stretching pussies to levels that pussies could hardly have imagined possible and so on and so forth.

The Writing Style

Mina Shay writes in a way that I imagine the people who do the scripts for porn write: you say “marine biologist”, but I’m seeing a blonde stripper with clear heels. I imagine this was exactly what Ms Shay was going for, so brava on that count.

Other than that it’s all rather generic: there’s pussies a-slopping, cocks a-puffing, clits a-rubbing, nipples a-squeezing; you get the picture. The werepuffer aspect is also actually only thrown in so that the Paul can screw Dana in what is likely a very chlorinated tank without the benefit of lube – this will eliminate unsightly chafing, but does very little to make the sex actually exciting.

The Feelings

Bored.

Despite it’s ridiculous concept Werepuffer contains some of the blandest sex I’ve ever read. If you run the risk of dying from eating pufferfish that hasn’t been prepared correctly then surely there should be some element of risk involved if you don’t fuck them properly either. By this book’s standards you could have sex with a well-muscled balloon and it would have the same earth-shattering climax of an effect.

I wonder if anyone’s written balloon erotica…

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Werepuffer at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2016 in Book Review

 

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