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Movie Review: 1313: Giant Killer Bees!

1313-gkb

Released: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10

You know what, I’m not gonna rip this movie a new one right off the bat. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started watching it – I did review 1313: Cougar Cult back in the day, after all. Having seen Cougar Cult I knew that there wouldn’t be enough budget to pull off special effects (because all of the money goes into young men pulling off their clothes instead), but a little part of me wanted to see how they were going to (try and) pull off giant killer bees. Well, the long and short of it is they couldn’t, and they didn’t.

Me every second of this movie.

Me every second of this movie.

The Plot

Somewhere in the Caribbean there is a mystical research facility that is an abandoned hospital for exterior shots and someone’s house for interior shots. Here, in a high-tech breakfast nook/laboratory, research involving dipping bees into liquid is ongoing. But what research could you possibly be doing that involves dipping bees in liquid, I hear you ask? I can’t believe you couldn’t figure it out – they’re trying to make a more hardy bee that won’t die off simply because humans insist on killing the planet! These bees will be able to stand up to anything – pollutants, harsh weather, shirtless men everywhere, you name it.

Unfortunately Professor Generic wants results faster than the facility’s three-man team who never do any actual work can manage, so he sends in Too-Tight Wifebeater to spike the bee’s liquid with some other liquid. On the plus side this does make the bees more robust, but on the down side it also turns them into giant angry zombie werewolf vampire bees. These new and more deadly bees have a craving for man flesh, and upon stinging the more rugged and virile specimens these very same men become mindless drones so quickly that it blows all their clothes off.

The team must obviously do all it can to stop the bees from spreading from the island (?) and infecting other bees, and to do this they either lay around on beds in nothing but their underwear feeling themselves up, or in the shower feeling themselves up and never actually using soap and I fucking give up trying to make sense of what the hell was happening here.

The Walking "we weren't hot enough to get into actual porn" Dead

The Walking “we weren’t hot enough to get into actual porn” Dead

The Visuals

Visuals? What visuals?! Let’s keep this nice and simple:

  • If you want to watch an actual sci-fi thriller, don’t watch this. It’s not at all thrilling and there’s no actual sci-fi to it.
  • If you want to watch something that’s homoerotic, don’t watch this. It contains neither homos or anything erotic.
  • If you want to watch good-looking men running around in their underwear, don’t watch this. Rather just watch porn.
  • If you want to watch something with a strong environmental message, don’t watch this. For all the prattling on about saving the environment I’m fairly sure you could’ve drained the Hoover Dam for all the unnecessary showering that was going on.

Also don’t watch this because watching this is physically very difficult since it has a very strange colour balance and everything looks like the cameraman got bacon grease on the lens and couldn’t be bothered to wash it off.

Have to have the occasional bee to ground the movie in its title.

Have to have the occasional bee to ground the movie in its title.

The Feelings

Pulsating rage.

Again, perhaps I’m not really in a position to be angry – I should’ve known better about what I was doing to myself, or avoided watching the movie altogether. But I’m angry anyway!

There really is no point to this film – its plot is flimsy, the acting is horrific, the production values are non-existent, and for the one sad attempt at a sex scene you could’ve cut the sexual tension with a dessert spoon. The action, for lack of a better term, is also very short-lived – 1313: Giant Killer Bees! is only about 80 minutes long, but at least 40 minutes of that is taken up by men feeling themselves up or walking around a deserted castle (for reasons that well and truly escaped me).

Don’t ever watch this – not ever.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy 1313: Giant Killer Bees! at Amazon.com

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Posted by on September 18, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Fangs, Fur and Mistletoe

Fangs, Fur and Mistletoe

Author: Selena Blake
Genre: Romance / Science Fiction
Published: 2012

Dear God, when will I learn? Normal people have a stop-gap between ‘what the hell is this?’ and ‘click to buy’ where one pauses to deliberate on the choices you are about to make. I, apparently, lack such a stop-gap, and that’s how I landed up reading Selena Blake’s debut Mystic Isle novel, Fangs, Fur & Mistletoe. I’m not romantic in the slightest, I’m fairly sure the sex described in this novel isn’t physically possible (or, at the very least, would be tremendously awkward to execute), the book decimated both established vampire and werewolf lore in the space of a few pages, and I was ultimately left with more questions than answers by the time I’d concluded its torturous 96 page length. To top it all off, because I actually finished the book, the recommended page on my Kindle is currently being blighted by others of its kind. This is where e-books fall far short of their paperback cousins – deleting a book just isn’t as effective as killing a particularly awful one with fire.

The Plot

Right out the gate I had a problem. Sometimes, when I read a book, the characters will form in my head exactly as the author described them. Other times, my mind will cross-pollute a point of reference and substitute an entirely different likeness for the one intended. Since the novel follows a black vampire named Coco, all I could conjure in my head was Coco Montrese from the 5th season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and that image stuck. Not one to be defeated, I powered on. Coco and her coven of vampires (I don’t know – just run with it) are taking a week off to visit Mystic Isle, a sexual resort for paranormal beings. Coco’s just coming out of a rather tumultuous relationship and needs to be banged six ways from Sunday to feel a bit more like herself again.

Littered across this resort is a plethora of poorly constructed paranormal creatures: vampires, werewolves, demons, Adonises (apparently these are a species and not just one mythological man), fae (although not at all resembling actual fae) etc. But Coco’s eyes are drawn to only one creature – a werewolf named Grayson that she met on a battle field 100 years ago (oh yeah, werewolves are immortal now, and vampires breathe and have souls). The attraction and immeasurable horniness is instant, and the two cannot keep away from one another. What will follow is a struggle as old animosities between vampires and werewolves are laid aside, friendships are tested, relationships are formed, and Coco is violently fingered at an erotic orchestra while a randy demon looks on. Brace yourself – things are gonna get really weird really quickly.

The Writing Style

The problem with this book, and I imagine many other books in this genre, is there’s only so many ways one can describe a vagina or two people getting their rocks off. Now, bless Selena Blake for giving it her best shot, but by the time she was done describing Coco’s anatomy I had this vision in my head where all she had between her legs was a layered cake (and, as a side note, the phrase ‘nether lips’ should never, under any circumstances, be applied to any part of a woman’s person). Never mind the fact that vaginas apparently hug things or that, before sex, it’s apparently always a good idea to weigh your partner’s penis (I cannot imagine any situation where the weight of a penis would have any bearing on a sexual act). Maybe my idea of both men’s and women’s anatomy is entirely off, but I’m fairly sure that none of these things hold true in real life.

Then there’s the fact that it’s incredibly difficult to keep pace with any form of dialogue that’s taking place when Grayson isn’t pistoning Coco into a palm tree (the book’s words, not mine). This is because the characters apparently feel the need to have an entire internal monologue between every phrase they utter. At some points you need to turn back more than two pages just to remind yourself where this conversation started and where it might be going. Not that the dialogue is tremendously important since all you’re really doing is waiting for the two of them to make the beast with two backs, but those of us who can’t quite bear the notion of a 14 inch penis near us (this is an estimated measurement based on numerous paragraphs devoted to the exquisiteness of Grayson’s manhood) would appreciate some properly constructed dialogue before the floor needs to be mopped again.

The Feelings

Confusion and a complete shutdown of sexual desire. Confusion because, whilst you’re being told that two people are having sex, you can’t quite picture how it’s being accomplished. Believe me, I tried to figure it out. I even brought a female friend over and read the book to her and asked her if she knew how such things could be done – she didn’t have a damn clue either. Then there’s the fact that, for all the book is entirely devoted to non-stop rough sex and people orgasming so hard its a miracle they have any bones left, at no point is any of it actually erotic. It’s the literary equivalent of watching fat people make amateur porn on a betamax tape.

Certainly, novels like this fulfill the needs of a certain kind of reader, and given that Selena Blake is apparently a rather prolific author someone’s obviously reading and enjoying her work. How this has a 4.5 rating on Amazon is something the Good Lord only knows, but I for one will be avoiding any further jaunts on Mystic Isle. The only thing that stops me from giving it a bottom-of-the-barrel rating is the fact that I’ve read In The Velociraptor’s Nest, and even Selena Blake cannot detract from the sheer awfulness that is a Christie Sims novella.

My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy the Book at Amazon.com:
Fangs, Fur & Mistletoe (Mystic Isle, Book One)

 
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Posted by on May 11, 2014 in Book Review

 

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