Author: The Honourable Sir Edmund Quimlove
“Dare he bury his musket betwixt the nether lips of such an innocent girl…”
You know, I like it when people (and books) are upfront with me: if you’re gonna be a trashy piece of filth, just tell me that. I’ll respect you all the more for it. So when I happened upon Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding I imagined I’d come across just that: a little toilet tissue that was open about wanting to get down and nasty for 20 pages or so.
But alas, it wasn’t to be. Who would’ve thought that someone as honourable as Sir Edmund Quimlove would have dared to lead his audience astray? There I was, reluctantly anticipating tight virgins and sloppy poundings, but what did I get instead? Some very odd and poorly thought out roleplay. For shame Sir Quimlove, for shame.
Jonathan and Tabitha Pemberton are an ever so loving couple living an ever so delightful life and who speak in an ever so confusing old-timey rural British accent. While peacefully reclining after a delightful supper but finding the larder entirely devoid of cherry pie for dessert the two decide that this would be a most opportune time to make the beast with two backs.
But what to do? Having recently attempted anal and faced with the reality that Tabitha only has so many orifices in which to stuff things the two need to decide on some other way of spicing up their after dinner carnal treat. Thankfully Tabitha is as smart as she is whorish and she comes up with a most titillating idea (that she probably read about in Ye Olde Cosmo): roleplay. She’ll play the virgin recently come of age whose body pulses with the need for sexual release whenever her father pops off to market, and Jonathan will be a door-to-door lion tamer.
With such a hungry and ferocious kitty as Tabitha’s, will Jonathan’s expert (and somewhat unorthodox) lion taming skills quell the fire in the savage beast? Carry on dear reader, and be left completely unshocked and unaroused!
The Writing Style
You would think that the idea of a door-to-door lion tamer would be the most bizarre thing you’d come across in a work such as this, but Sir Quimlove has a few more tricks up his sleeve.
To start with the positives, from a technical point of view there isn’t anything wrong with the way Be a Dear… (I’m not writing that title out over and over) is written, with impeccable grammar and a varied vocabulary throughout. The issue for me was in the way that the characters’ copious dialogue was written.
Jonathan and Tabitha, when not in an aroused state, speak in a very prim and proper Victorian manner becoming of a young couple from decent backgrounds who take picnics by the river bank. When aroused, however, Tabitha’s regular speech pattern becomes interspersed with a vocabulary more becoming of an aging Eastern bloc porn star with tattooed-on makeup who isn’t afraid to finger herself while wearing false nails. For example:
“It hardly seems proper to have relations with a girl whose name I don’t even know.’
“Call me your fucking slut, or perhaps your filthy whore, or even your pretty, little cocksucker.“
Not convinced? How about this one:
“Will you coat my limber, young body in gallons of your sloppy cum until my sweet, innocent face is dripping with the liquid remnants of our torrid relations?”
Perhaps this would all make a bit more sense if I’d known that this was the second book in a series before I read it, but I stand by the fact that trying to be a posh Victorian and a 40-something prostitute named Olga just doesn’t work. Either go all out and be filthy right the way through, or (especially for comedic effect) have really rough sex being described by really polite country folk. Just don’t try and do both – it’s more jarring than what was happening to Tabitha’s poor kitty.
Confused, briefly laughing, and then bored.
For all the big promises in this book’s title and the rather bizarre approach it takes to character portrayal, ultimately it’s completely lacking in anything vaguely erotic. Maybe I’m just boring in bed, but my understanding of roleplay is that it’s meant to allow you to play out some kind of fantasy with your significant other. If this is the case, if someone came to me saying that they were a door-to-door lion tamer while trying to be all sensual and whatnot I think I’d collapse on the floor laughing and sexy time would be over well before it ever started. Of course we at A World of Weird don’t advocate judging anyone based on their sexual proclivities, so if you wanna get it on with a door-to-door lion tamer then you let your freak flag fly high!
Once you put the odd choice of situation to the side all you’re left with is the usual slopping orifices, raging erections, vicious poundings and unnatural quantities of semen. Sir Quimlove, while I commend you for managing to write something that is both peculiar and mundane it simply isn’t enough to earn a recommendation from my side.
My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Be a Dear and Give My Tight, Virgin Hole a Hard, Sloppy Pounding at Amazon.com