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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji V: The Final Chapter

Urotsukidoji V

Released: 1996
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6.1 / 10

For a while there I thought this day would never come. After more than a year of subjecting myself to a never-ending barrage of penis tornadoes, Nazi death rape machines, incest-not-incest, and Orgies By Infants™, I’m finally free! I have borne witness to things that no person, Japanese or otherwise, should to be subjected to (the inhuman things that Russian women were offering to do for and to me while I was trying to find subtitles alone would make your hair stand on end). With the closing credits to Urotsukidōji V: The Final Chapter I rid myself of this evil and draw to an end this protracted attack on my psyche!

Giving birth is a beautiful miracle.

Giving birth is a beautiful miracle.

The Plot

Unlike the other installments in this franchise, which were complete if nonsensical, part 5 was scrapped before it was finished, so what we have here is the beginning of a story without an end, and it’s got some major retconning it wants to do in its 50 or so minutes of runtime.

Remember the Overfiend from all the previous installments? Wrong! That wasn’t the Overfiend. That was a false Overfiend sent from the Demon Realm to fool us into something something something. In order to make itself more powerful it tried to steal the Lord of Chaos’ power by sexing it out of her. Himi (the Lord of Chaos) isn’t one to be out-sexed, however, and launches a counter sex attack and steals all of his power instead. The false Overfiend vanquished and its powers slowly dripping down Himi’s thigh the Lord of Chaos vanishes, never to bog down the new story line again.

So where does that leave us? Somehow through a series of explanations that really didn’t make any sense Amano (our always lovely anti-hero) finds himself staring out at the same evening from the end of the first installment: Nagumo, in the form of the Destroyer Demon, is busy destroying the world, Akemi’s still pregnant with the Overfiend, and demons are running around raping and killing everything in sight. BUT! while it is still the exact same evening, 100 years have also passed, and the true Overfiend is ready to be born.

I don't remember buying these...

I don’t remember buying these…

In a manner truly becoming of the Urotsukidōji series the Overfiend isn’t so much born as it is orgasmed out of Akemi in a truly bizarre and green-tinged birthing/self-pleasure scene. Her duties fulfilled Amano moves to save Akemi and return her to a normal life (in a world that’s being blown to pieces), but the Overfiend isn’t done with any of them yet.

The true Overfiend has grown tired of the Humans, Beasts, and Demons, and has decided to pit these three against one another until they bring about their own mutually assured extinction. In their place the Overfiend wants to leave his new race: the Messengers of Imagination. This race is neither male nor female but at the same time is both. What I mean by this is that they have masculine and feminine features (a very feminine face but a flat masculine chest, for example) and no demonstrable genitalia. No demonstrable genitalia, that is, unless they want to have sex, in which case they can grow whatever they want and swap between the two at will. They also speak to one another by making a noise that sounds like a very sexy and seductive pigeon.

Naturally Amano isn’t about to just hand over the collapsing world to these oddly ravishing creatures in their skin-tight pink outfits who keep falling from the sky out of the Overfiend’s vagina spaceship. The war to save the three warring races from the new genocidal race is on (and we’re never going to find out how it ends)!

I always knew our end would come in the form of pink spandex.

I always knew our end would come in the form of pink spandex.

The Visuals

The whole thing harks back to the first installment in terms of its graphic depiction of violence and general sexual depravity, so a lot of whether you’re going to enjoy The Final Chapter hinges on whether or not you enjoyed where the story began.

What does become an issue is that not only was the story left unfinished, this actual episode was unfinished as well. As a result the animation is rather choppy, with in-between frames missing which leaves the action happening on-screen jumping around a little bit. It also relies a fair bit on re-using scenes from previous installments (again, primarily the first one) to pad out its runtime. Given that the style shifted and changed slightly over the years, added to the unpolished veneer of its own animation, what you’re left with can, at times, be a somewhat jarring backwards and forwards in terms of quality.

We call this position 'the tantric apocalypse'.

We call this position ‘the tantric apocalypse’.

The Feelings

Oddly disappointed.

Over the course of the depravity that is Urotsukidōji I have come, the unnerving father animatronic-daughter sex scene aside, to appreciate this series for what it is. This story, and particularly the new race of beings it introduced, had a lot of potential. Squelchy potential, mind you, but potential none the less. For the first time I was actually quite interested to see where they wanted to go with the story, and it seems a tad bit unfair that by the time I eventually get into what I’m watching they decide that they don’t want to do anything with it anymore. I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes, and believe me, many cookies have crumbled over the course of this franchise.

So, to reiterate: it’s done! It’s finally done! Never again will I be subjected to a… what’s that?… I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I could’ve sworn that you… The New Saga?! YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDD… We’ll be right back.

My Final Rating: 5 / 10

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji IV: Inferno Road

Urotsukidoji IV

Released: 1995
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10

The road to hell, as some would have you believe, is paved with good intentions. Having concluded my viewing of Urotsukidōji part four (armed with parasol, wet wipes and some Dettol to be on the safe side) I must argue that the road to hell is actually paved with semen and the sundered flesh of the innocent, with my morbid curiosity providing all the heavy machinery necessary to get us there.

I was very wary going into this, firstly because Return of the Overfiend had made my skin crawl and secondly because, from what I’d read online, Inferno Road is meant to be the most shocking and distasteful of the entire franchise. Now it’s absolutely true that Inferno Road is completely shocking and distasteful, but to my… um… I suppose “relief” will have to do here… it’s shocking and distasteful in the same way as the original Legend of the Overfiend. It’s a niche little title that won’t be to everyone’s taste, but at this point my standards are so low the fact that it didn’t have any incest-not-incest in it was enough to keep me going.

Just your average 10-year-old's birthday orgy.

Just your average 10-year-old’s birthday orgy.

The Plot

Thankfully this one was a lot easier to follow than its predecessor.

Picking up right where Return of the Overfiend left us, Buju, Himi (the Lord of Chaos) and the rest of the gang are on their way to Osaka to see the Overfiend, either to stop his deadly rampage or to help him with his deadly rampage – I don’t really have clarity on this point. Along the way Buju, Himi and old man Gashim get separated from the rest of the group and land up in a mysterious city blanketed in a very ominous bank of fog and ruled over by some even more ominous children. Unperturbed by the kids’ incredible psychic capabilities our little gang follows them back to their home for a little rest and respite before continuing with their arduous journey.

And nothing will give you the rest you need quite like an orgy comprised of the children’s parents, watched over and organised by the children themselves. Heading up this group of insanely powerful and malicious hell spawn are brothers Ellus and Phallus. While adulthood brings with it the apparent promise of enormous breasts, unending amounts of testosterone and the inability to feel pain during intercourse, for these kids it also means an end to their psychic abilities, and the brothers just won’t have that. To retain their youth they need to kill Himi and drink her blood; given that she’s more or less developed PTSD from witnessing the never-ending orgies and Buju’s too busy taking part in the never-ending orgies to be of any use the brothers may just be in with a shot to pull off their nefarious plan.

This story arc takes up the majority of the first two episodes (“The Secret Garden” and “The Long Road to God”) of this part of the OVA. It doesn’t add to the overall plot of the Overfiend and his plans in any great way, but it’s disturbingly entertaining nevertheless.

Well here's a kind of renewable energy the government doesn't want you to know about...

Well here’s a kind of renewable energy the government doesn’t want you to know about…

The third episode (The End of the Journey) picks up after Buju and co. manage to get out of the city of hell children and resume their journey to Osaka. Since most of the path to Osaka has been turned into a godless wasteland from a junkie’s worst acid trip they decide that air travel will be the best way to get there, and commandeer a Hell Worm to get them airborne. A Hell Worm’s a little like an Overlord from Starcraft except instead of listening to the Overmind it lives on the life essence and vaginal juices of abducted women.

Of course a trip to Osaka in an squirt-powered flesh balloon wouldn’t be complete without some kind of epic battle going down. Amano, our beloved anti-hero, has been floating around since we first came upon the evil children but hasn’t been doing awfully much. Now it’s his time to shine! Since Münchhausen II just cannot give it a fucking rest he decides to magically/sexually share his powers with Yoenki, the sister of Suikakujū from Legend of the Overfiend. Yoenki’s mad as hell at Amano for killing her brother, so the two of them have to duke it out while Buju and Gashim try to escape from a demon in the middle of the Hell Worm, Münchhausen II tries to abduct Himi in order to kill the Overfiend, and Himi battles with that very difficult time in every young woman’s life – her first period.

Reading over that it doesn’t sound like it makes a whole lotta sense, but if you watch it it’s done in such a way that you just might buy it.

Fashion at the 2055 Royal Wedding!

Fashion at the 2055 Royal Wedding!

The Visuals

Whatever Return of the Overfiend lacked, Inferno Road makes up for it. This entry just looked a lot more polished and put together, with the animation having a little more life to it than in previous installments.

And that’s just as well, because you can’t enjoy the sheer visceral horror that is Inferno Road without a little spit and polish. Without said spit and polish you wouldn’t be able to fully partake in the sensory assault of penis tails, penis appendages, penis tubes, penis tentacles and occasionally, when you least expect it, a regular human penis. And the less said about that one vagina that can warp space and time around it the better…

It’s a far cry from HD but for the early- to mid- 90s it’s about as close as your going to get.

She's overcome with the vapours.

She’s overcome with the vapours.

The Feelings

Mildly concerned that I contracted a strain of demonic gonorrhea, but reasonably entertained anyway.

I’m certain that Inferno Road should have left me feeling queasy and with a need to scrub my skin until it turned bright red before I felt clean again. The problem is that, between the four installments of this franchise and the terrible books I subject myself to, I think I’ve become so completely desensitised that nothing that happened in this approximately two-hour adventure could hurt me.

On an academic level I can tell you that what was flashing before my eyes was nothing but filth and general queefage, but like with a crying baby at midnight my mind chose to block it out and keep going. Stripped of that emotional impact what you’re left with is a heavily inappropriate story that, despite its overall weirdness, has a decent plot and characters that are more than just 2D sex dolls.

My Final Rating: 5 / 10
Buy Urotsukidōji IV: Inferno Road at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on November 12, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji III: Return of the Overfiend

Return of the Overfiend

Released: 1993
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 5.9 / 10

In this crazy world of tolerance, multiculturalism, political correctness, sensitivity, social justice warriors, and otherkin, we are taught that the most important thing in appreciating one another is to recognise what we have in common rather than focusing on the things that make us different. Now, you be wondering what possible commonality could be found in this pile of tentacle rape, robotic rape, tail rape, demon rape and, just to mix things up, normal rape rape. You see, despite the many differences between Western and Japanese culture, we share one common thing that unites all living things on this planet: when it comes to making the third installment of anything, we always screw it up spectacularly.

Put your tit away Palutena!

Put your tit away Palutena!

The Plot

If you’re going to watch this I suggest keeping a notebook close at hand, because there’s a metric shit-ton of plot that you need to keep track of.

Taking place after the events of the previous two OVAs, 20 years have passed since Nagumo turned into a terrifying demon and began his complete destruction of the three realms so that the Overfiend could create them anew. Akemi’s still good and pregnant over in Osaka, but something goes horribly wrong and the Overfiend is born 100 years too early. He senses that, despite Münchhausen II’s failed experiments, the Lord of Chaos has been born in the East (although, given that this takes place in Japan, I’m not sure how much more east you could go). The Overfiend summons Amano to protect him and hunt down the Lord of Chaos.

Meanwhile, over in the East, the terrible ravages of the apocalypse don’t seem to have been all that terrible. Society continues, albeit in a more terrified and constantly sexed-up kind of way. The apocalypse has also given rise to the Demon Beasts, a hybrid of the denizens of the three realms. Even in the apocalypse humans won’t let go of racism as a well-loved pass time, and these creatures are forced to live in near squaller or in forced labour camps run by the notorious tyrant Caesar.

Caesar’s a bit power mad. After discovering some ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs under the basement of a Japanese hotel and by hacking into a NASA computer (I’m not kidding) he’s managed to decipher to Overfiend’s prophecy, and wants to thwart its power and rebuild the realms himself. To do this he must defeat the Overfiend, which will require getting the demon Faburil to merge with the baby Lord of Chaos.

A mechanical penis is not a play thing.

A mechanical penis is not a play thing.

Thrown into all of this madness is Caesar’s absolute pride and joy (until he rapes her later on), his daughter Alector. A one-time human and now reanimated robot (meaning that the aforementioned rape isn’t technically incest), Alector yearns to be free from her father’s tyrannical love. She enlists the help of Demon Beast Buju, granting him his freedom from Caesar’s palace in exchange for her roughly-taken virginity. Following a complicated deflowering ritual in a Buddhist shrine they become the Lord of Chaos’ surrogate parents and accidentally reawaken Nagumo, who once again goes on a rampage in an attempt to protect his own little demonic offspring.

In essence, what happens next is:

  • Buju saves the Lord of Chaos from Caesar and Münchhausen II and kind of prevents her assimilation with Faburil but doesn’t.
  • Alector, once again resurrected after being accidentally killed outside the Buddhist temple, escapes her father’s many tentacles.
  • The Demon Beasts launch a revolt against Caesar.
  • The Demon Beasts rape ever female under Caesar’s command.
  • Most of the Demon Beasts are horribly murdered by the Genocydroid D-9, a human with many robot parts whose backstory isn’t really explained.
  • Münchhausen II launches an atomic attack on Osaka.
  • The Overfiend uses a reanimated pile of corpses to have sex with Megumi, somehow giving him the power to attack Münchhausen II and Faburil.
  • The Lord of Chaos doesn’t seem to notice any of this and just cries a lot.
  • Caesar is eventually defeated.
  • Alector forgets that her father brutally assaulted her and launches herself into space with his head clutched to her bosom.
  • Buju, the Lord of Chaos, a few Demon Beasts and the Genocydroid head off to Osaka to have a chat with the Overfiend.

The End. At least until I have to watch the next one.

Still not entirely clear on what the hell this thing is.

Still not entirely clear on what the hell this thing is.

The Visuals

Unlike the previous two, everything was not suitably animated in this one. Some things were beautifully animated, although most of what was being animated wasn’t beautiful (i.e. they put all their effort into the sex scenes). The rest of it looked a bit slapdash if I’m being honest.

This one was also a lot less grotesque and full of horror than the first two, opting instead to replace the horror with sex. Now, there was never a doubt in my mind that what was happening on-screen was incredibly damp and clammy, but if you come here looking for a lot of misshapen demons and gallons upon gallons of blood you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Well I'm so glad someone's enjoying this.

Well I’m so glad someone’s enjoying this.

The Feelings

Discomfort.

Don’t get me wrong, the first two installments in this little franchise were absolutely laden with gratuitous and violent sexual scenes, but watching this I realised what made it fundamentally different from its predecessors. In the first two the sex can be divided up roughly like this:

  • Consensual: Humans and humans, or Beasts and virtually anything.
  • Non-consensual: Demons and humans.

I have no moral objection to the first category, and in the second the sexual violence added to the sheer animosity and horror of the denizens of the demon realm, rather than just being there for the sake of it.

Watching the sex scenes in this installment, however, just made me uncomfortable. That’s because it largely forgoes anything horrific and instead throws in scene after scene after scene of sexual degradation. These scenes are too long and do nothing for the story other than to pad it out; the scene with Alector and Caesar was particularly difficult to watch. I’m not a prude and I’m not easily shocked, but even for me there’s a line and Return of the Overfiend took a running head start and leaped clear over it.

My discomfort with the sex scenes aside, the story here is also so convoluted that it’s virtually impossible to keep track of. Characters and events are thrown in without explanation and then thrown back out just as quickly, while the key points from the earlier installments aren’t expanded upon in any great way.

My interest was really piqued with this series, but it’s quickly going to fade if Return of the Overfiend is any indication of where this story’s going.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Urotsukidōji III: Return of the Overfiend at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on September 10, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji II: Legend of the Demon Womb

Legend of the Demon Womb

Released: 1991
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6 / 10

Fun fact about my personality: if I watch, read or play something and vaguely enjoy the story or my interest is piqued by its mythos, I will not rest until I have seen, read or played everything in that series to satisfy my curiosity. This means, since I did enjoy Legend of the Overfiend in a way that I can’t quite describe without sounding like I may be a danger to the public, that there’s gonna be a whole lotta demon sex going on in my lounge while I wade my way through the not insignificant number of Urotsukidōji OVAs.

Sadly Legend of the Demon Womb did not live up to the blood-gushing heights of its predecessor. It isn’t that it’s bad (although that word must be applied very subjectively when dealing with these movies) and on its own it could stand vag-to-vag with a lot of hentai that’s out there. It’s just that the psychological trauma isn’t quite as blunt with this one as it was in the first one, for reasons that I’ll detail as I go along.

Twitchy lil' fucker...

Twitchy lil’ fucker…

The Plot

Because context is everything, it’s important that we know where Legend of the Demon Womb takes place in the grand scheme of all the damp demon sex that’s going on. Thankfully no one is entirely convinced about where this one slots in, so I took it to be an interquel that happens at some point in the early part of Legend of the Overfiend.

We already know that the mortal realm is made up of humans and the Japanese, but one can easily forget that we share this domain with another nefarious group of creatures: Germans. Back in 1944, in an attempt to regain the edge over his enemies, Hitler hired Dr Münchhausen to build the ultimate weapon: the death rape machine. By strapping several buxom females with nipples so pointy they could cut diamonds to the machine and having it sex them good Dr Münchhausen hopes to summon the Lord of Chaos, the Overfiend’s nemesis. Unfortunately the timing, like the ejaculation of a man who’s been waiting too long, was premature, the women are over-death raped and the machine blows up, taking out half of Berlin with it.

Cut to the present day and Takeaki Kiryu, Tatsuo Nagumo’s cousin, is flying into whatever god-forsaken part of Japan Nagumo lives in to pay his family a visit. Suddenly, and quite without warning, the plane is attacked by demons and their horde of tentacles, and Takeaki is the only survivor of that ill-fated flight that saw his parents melted and absorbed into tentacles before his very eyes.

In a twist of fate that isn’t a twist and has nothing to do with fate Münchhausen II is on the scene. Having witnessed his father’s untimely death in the warm glow of burning buxom ladies, he’s decided that he will be the one to awaken the Lord of Chaos. By transfusing Nagumo’s Overfiend-laden blood into Takeaki he gets the ball rolling on bringing the Lord of Chaos into this realm, with Takeaki as the Lord’s vessel.

This woman's spine was the unsung hero of the story.

This woman’s spine was the unsung hero of the story.

Much like Nagumo during his early transformation, Takeaki isn’t entirely clear on what’s happening when he starts to turn into a malicious hell beast from the darkest realms of Japanese imagination. Thankfully Megumi’s back to help Takeaki out when his sheer manliness catches her attention and causes her vagina to swell with well-lubricated lust. Being a beast her powers will come in very handy as Takeaki learns of his destiny and gradually grows a horn through his eye. Amano’s also floating around, but he’s decided to take it easy in this movie and have sex with a weird nymph thing in a pond of lava instead of trying to collapse the three realms. Points to him though for making her cum so hard that it rips the fabric of space-time apart and reveals visions of the future…

Of course it wouldn’t be a real story without a love triangle, and Takeaki’s not the only one after Megumi’s dripping cave of wonders. Münchhausen II’s gone and recruited Kohōki, a demon that was once banished to hell, to help him awaken the Lord of Chaos. What young Münchhausen didn’t expect, however, was that Kohōki and Megumi had a bit of a thing a few centuries back, and he still carries a bit of a flame for her. So much so that his three penises all want to vie for space in her uterus. Trust me. You get to see it. Internally. And when his penises need a break from all that sexual collaboration, they’ll work separately as Kohōki abducts women to power up a second death rape machine…

As time runs out and even Megumi’s dewy nether lips need a breather, will Takeaki and Nagumo’s familial bond be enough to keep the Overfiend and the Lord of Chaos from wreaking untold destruction on the world and on Japan? Probably not, not with such a well calibrated death rape machine doing all of the summoning.

Ever squirted so hard you became desiccated?

Ever squirted so hard you became desiccated?

The Visuals

I’m still not in any way knowledgeable enough in the various proficiencies of Japanese anime to judge this movie with any confidence, but much like the original everything seemed to be suitably animated.

What was a bit of a let down with this when compared to its predecessor is that it wasn’t quite as visceral or disturbing, either when it came to the gore or to the sex. It’s there and it’s entirely unnatural when it happens, but it does feel like the people who made it needed a bit of a break after Legend of the Overfiend and decided to tone everything down a little.

You've got something in your eye there...

You’ve got something in your eye there…

The Feelings

Crestfallen.

Half the point of watching this was because I wanted to see a continuation of the sheer visual assault on my senses that happened during Legend of the Overfiend. The other reason was because Tropical Mary and I decided, since the planets had aligned for Women’s Day and the Lord’s Day to fall on the same day, that this would be a suitable way of celebrating both those things.

Granted this installment was only made up of two episodes (‘A Prayer for the Resurrection of the Lord of Chaos’ and ‘Battle at Shinjuku Skyscrapers’), which means it had less time to get its story out, but I just wasn’t wowed like I was by the first. I’m not sure if it’s because I was desensitised by the Legend of the Overfiend, if I’d psyched myself up too much before I watched this, or if it was just a little lacklustre, but nothing about it shocked me. It was very paint by numbers demon hentai, if such a thing can be said. It also doesn’t add anything to the original story or enhance your understanding of the events leading up to the Overfiend’s awakening, and its ending makes its entire story arc moot.

For Legend of the Overfiend I needed to wear a rain coat to get through all of the bodily fluids that were being thrown at the screen, but the same trip can be made through Legend of the Demon Womb with little more than a light parasol. Much like when I lamented the shortness of Voyage to the Milky Way it isn’t that I necessarily wanted it to be more awful or revolting than it was, but I’d girded my loins for a lot of demon sex and human offal, and I just didn’t get my money’s worth with this one.

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Legend of the Demon Womb at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 14, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review – Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity

Before I decided to stop the B-Horror Blog in favour of A World of Weird I had the idea to do a themed set of movie reviews entitled ‘Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!’. I didn’t manage to make any great progress, but while I was rummaging around the old site I found the one review I did complete, and it’s just been sitting there since June 2013.

And so I present to you The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review, unedited, unchanged and unread for all these years.

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slave-girls-from-beyond-infinity

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the wild, wild world of b-movie watching, these are the kind of movies that we all search high and low for. While its title makes it a perfect candidate for my Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!, it has so many other things going for it as well. Made during what I like to think of as the golden age of the b-movies, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity has just enough naked women, balanced out by the perfect level of nearly naked women, cheesy 80s lasers, even cheesier 80s robots, spectacularly cheesy 80s monsters, and a plot that’s completely ludicrous and over the top but somehow, in the context of the movie, makes complete and utter sense. Definitely worth a watch if you’re in the mood for some of the best cheese the 80s has to offer up.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

Daria and Tisa are the absolute best of friends. They do, after all, have a lot in common: both of them are women, both of them like to run around in bikini-esque prehistoric outfits, and both of them are slaves being transported across the universe in a giant starship that’s shaped a little bit like a water pistol. Not content with the life of an intergalactic slave, the two of them decide to make a daring escape by overriding the starship’s entire mainframe by creating a minor electrical fault in their cell. They then overpower the ship’s entire crew of 2 guards and make their way onto one of the ship’s escape pods. Thankfully, being scantily clad slave women also comes with an inherent knowledge of how to pilot small spacecraft, so they manage to escape from the ship with relatively little difficulty and a lot of button pushing. Of course, a tiny escape pod isn’t going to go very far, and they’re in a relatively underdeveloped part of the universe that doesn’t have a lot of planets in it yet, so they’re going to have to come up with a plan quite fast if they have any hope of survival.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Unbeknownst to Diaria and Tisa, in the deepest, darkest reaches of space there lurks a planet inhabited solely by robots and suave Hispanic types in leather pants. The girls come across this planet while making their daring escape, and are forced to crash-land on it after the planet sends up a tractor beam that pulls any craft towards it far too quickly to make a safe landing. After coming ashore in their now-wet bikinis, they come across the house of Zed, a man in pants so tight you immediately know that he has no aspirations so far as fatherhood is concerned. He seems nice enough – he gives them clothes so that they’ll be more comfortable, and offers to lay out a beautiful dinner for them and two other people who have mysteriously crash landed on the planet. This is where they meet Shala, a rather bitchy woman who sees no reason to be polite to her saviour, and her brother Rik, who seems to think that something more sinister is going on on Zed’s planet.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Turns out that Rik might just be right. It would appear that Zed has a little hunting hobby, but he isn’t after any of the strange creatures that live in the alien jungle outside his sumptuous mansion. Oh no, Zed’s after humans that he can mount on the wall in his man cave. Since Daria’s brain seems to be the same size as her breasts she figures this out quite quickly, and the girls have to do some quick thinking so far as shedding their clothes, finding weapons, and booby trapping the jungle are concerned. Of course, there are other problems to consider, such as how one best goes about sexually distracting a robot, and exactly where the lines between simulating sex to fool someone and having actual sex start to blur. When it finally comes time for the hunt Daria and Tisa will have to contend with the island’s mutants and zombies, temples that distort the fabric of time and space, and Zed and his crew of two bickering androids, if they’re ever going to have a hope of escaping in the other escape pod that Zed has so lovingly laid out with zebra-skin seat covers.

These are the adventures of the slave girls from beyond infinity, and I defy any of you not to watch it!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Maniacal robots are easier to outrun if you’re only wearing a bikini.
  • Sometimes the only thing standing between you and freedom is stealing a starship.
  • You can have more than one person in solitary confinement.
  • It’s always best to find a planet with a breathable atmosphere before you jump out of your spaceship.
  • Most modern spaceships come with pilot ejector seats.
  • The inhabitants of most planets have emergency clothing supplies in the event that bikini-clad ex-slave girls in need of a fresh wardrobe crash-land on the surface.
  • Animals who get killed by hunters simply didn’t want to get away.
  • There is no aphrodisiac stronger than the rush you get by bludgeoning a small animal to death.
  • Even androids aren’t above being sexually bribed into disobeying their orders.
  • Slave girls from beyond infinity travel across the universe and do battle with all manner of intergalactic foes so that other slave girls from beyond infinity will never have to know what it feels like to go without a good rogering.
  • Chasing bikini-clad women through the jungle with a laser bow-and-arrow really just boils down to a clash of philosophical belief systems.
  • Women with small breasts are no good at storing maps in their bras.
  • Women have this funny way of knowing when the normal rules of time and space don’t apply to a particular holy site.

SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY TRAILER

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Posted by on July 31, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Voyage to the Milky Way

Voyage to the Milky WayAuthor: Jezebel Divelle
Genre: Erotica / Sci-Fi
Published: 2015

Those of you who watch Supernatural will be familiar with the idea of humans making deals with demons, where the demon will grant the human their wish in exchange for their immortal soul. How I came to read this truck-stop post-masturbation tissue is not entirely dissimilar. My wish was for Tropical Mary to read Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore; she agreed, but on condition that I would have to read something of her choice in return. Like the humans in Supernatural I simply hoped that I would get what I wanted without the demon coming back to collect its due, but sadly this was not to be.

The following review is not suitable for persons who are lactose intolerant.

The Plot

The year is 2032, and mankind has finally reached a technological point where it can extend its reach beyond our little solar system. The target? Alpha Lacteo, a star roughly 20 years from Earth as the space rocket flies. Such a mission will require great planning, the input of the finest experts, and food.

Thankfully we seem to have planning and experts in abundance, but food is the problem. When it becomes clear to NASA’s top scientists that chickens won’t thrive in microgravity they devise the HUCOW (Heroes Utilizing Cunt or Wetnurse) Program. This might seem a bit odd but Ms Divelle assures me that a single human female who’s been drugged up to hell and back to produce an endless supply of breast milk to feed the space crew for the duration of its flight is entirely scientifically feasible. After a sweeping search of every governmental department’s interns Samantha is chosen as the food supply since she’s still a feisty 19-year-old virgin with a set of DDs on her chest.

After tricking Samantha into getting into the spaceship and knocking her out by feeding her a large turkey sandwich (I’m not joking) it’s off to Alpha Lacteo they go! For the next twenty years she will be the food supply for Doris, a lesbian by trade, Leonard, the ship’s engineer, Brett, the crew’s doctor, Roger, the pilot, and the Captain, name unknown.

Oh yeah, in addition to Samantha’s job as a human cow she must also sexually satisfy the entire crew for the next twenty years. Ms Divelle does imply that the use of sex slaves on intergalactic missions is morally and ethically OK, so we can run with this. You would think that being a virgin would make it rather tricky for Samantha to satisfy the lust of the entire crew but thankfully those clever scientists back on Earth gave her more drugs to heighten her libido and apparently reduce the strain of an unlubricated double penetration on her inexperienced person. This is all the more fortuitous when you consider that three of the men have penises in the vicinity of 11 inches long and the other has one as thick as a whiskey glass (confirming the heretofore unheard of legend that all astronauts are hung like donkeys).

What follows is the most dairy-laden sexual exploits of an inexperienced human cow that you’re likely to find in any book.

The Writing Style

I know that this should be a given since I was reading a book about an interplanetary gang-bang with a human cow, but the way Jezebel Divelle writes is just daft. In terms of her actual writing everything is completely passable in that she can string complete sentences together and, for better or worse, you always have a vivid picture of what’s going on. The daftness comes in with these random asides that are thrown in which include government conspiracies (“It would have to be done in secret. Fortunately, the US Government had some experience in secrecy), bureaucratic corruption (the head of the HUCOW Program had been “…in prison, where he had been sentenced for his various sex crimes, extortion and embezzling. He was perfect for government work.”), and the allegation that the vast majority of people working in government departments are riddled with STDs.

I couldn’t really say whether these were thrown in to pad the already-diminished word count or if Ms Divelle is trying to make some kind of bold political statement, but either way they’re just odd and do nothing to either (a) advance the book’s “plot” or (b) diminish the accomplishments of NASA or the Obama administration.

The Feelings

This book brought out so many emotions in me.

Firstly, the mild-revulsion. I can accept that some people have a breast milk fetish/kink, and that’s perfectly OK. It’s not for me, but if you enjoy it then let your freak flag fly high! What disturbs me is that, thanks to Samantha’s drug-induced lactation, it’s everywhere. It’s a miracle that the ship could fly with the weight of all that milk sloshing around. Then there’s the licking of milk and other bodily fluids from every conceivable orifice, by which point even a cup of Earl Grey wasn’t enough to steady the nerves.

Secondly, I felt intellectually insulted. I quite enjoy reading about astronomy and space travel. I’m no expert (the bulk of what I know comes from reading IFL Science, Wikipedia, and following a number of NASA-related Twitter accounts) but even I can tell you that NASA wouldn’t use the word ‘cunt’ in a program name, nor would they be so short-sighted to have both a lesbian AND an engineer on the same flight when, by the stereotypical nature of the characters, these jobs could easily have been dealt with by one person. Also, it’s all fine and well for Samantha to feed the crew with her ample creamy bosoms, but with no other source of food on the ship what the hell is she meant to eat? Tell me that Ms Divelle!

Thirdly, I felt cheated. I payed $5.69 for this rotten little tissue and was promised 25 pages of smut, but the story only starts at 7% and finishes at 65%. The gods above know that I didn’t necessarily want to have to drag this out any longer than necessary, but if I pay for 25 pages of psychological trauma then I expect to get my money’s worth.

Fourthly, I was aggrieved at Doris’ portrayal in this book. You can’t be a lesbian by trade but then hop on as many dicks as possible while never actually full-on sexing the only other female onboard. I am a tolerant man but if there’s one thing I cannot abide it’s lesbians who aren’t committed to their craft.

Finally, I was mildly insulted. The book starts off with the warning “This is not your grandma’s romance novel!“. I’m sorry Ms Divelle but you don’t know my grandma like that. I don’t know how you were raised but when I was growing up we were taught that you don’t just go sauntering onto other people’s Kindles and talk smack about their grandmothers. It’s one thing to write about the complete sexual exploitation of a 19-year-old from Nebraska at the hands of several men and a wishy-washy lesbian, but it is another thing entirely to do so without manners.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy Voyage to the Milky Way on Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2015 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Bound

BoundReleased: 2015
Genre: Drama / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10

Tropical Mary and I make some odd life choices. We recently subjected ourselves to Fifty Shades of Grey, during which I absolutely forbade Mary from choking to death on her pizza as a means of getting out of finishing the movie. With a little time behind us and our wounds reasonably healed, I managed to get my hands on a copy of The Asylum’s it’s-different-enough-from-a-legal-standpoint-that-we-won’t-get-sued knock off.

The sad thing in all of this is not that we subjected ourselves to this movie, but that on every count Bound is streets ahead of Fifty Shades of Grey and is a far more engrossing movie to watch. And when The Asylum can get that right where millions of Hollywood dollars couldn’t, you have to weep at the sheer thought of there being two more Fifty Shades movies in the making.

The face you make when you find out your mom's a sub.

The face you make when you find out your mom’s a sub.

The Plot

Michelle Mulan is having a tough time at the moment. The real estate company her family owns is about to go under, her dad (and owner of the company) is loving in the same way that getting smacked across the face with a damp fish is loving, her daughter’s about to fly the nest and go off to college, and her boyfriend (who seems to own all the hair product in the world) simply cannot get her off. What’s a 40-something year old gal to do?

Well, provided the stars align in just the right way, you have a fortuitous meet-up with a significantly younger man named Ryan Black with the defined jaw line and cheek bones that the gods themselves would have struggled to forge, and you get it on! Nothing too kinky at first, of course. Just letting him eat her out on her father’s desk while putting on some stranger’s underwear, followed by a fundraiser with a vibrator in her knickers that he has the controller for. After a respectable amount of time has passed (a few days) the two then begin to engage in some BDSM, which Michelle takes very well too. After so many orgasms I’m not entirely sure how Michelle was still able to walk, but it seemed to be doing wonders for her tension headaches.

Of course it can’t be all sunshine, roses and nipple clamps. While Michelle’s getting her world rocked it seems more and more likely that her family’s company will have to be sold off or face going under completely. Michelle should be coming up with a plan to counter this but, as the old wives’ tales tell us, some handcuffs and a light spanking will get the better of most girls. It doesn’t help that her father, who looks like he’d smack her across the room but buy her a new car to make up for it, finds out that unlike Christian Grey, who made a lot of money running a company which seemed to do nothing but churn out blonde receptionists, Ryan makes his money dealing drugs and stealing cars.

Will Michelle be able to strike a balance between leather corsets and budget sheets? Is Ryan really looking out for her best interests? Will a visit to a sex dungeon provide Michelle with divine guidance in her time of need? Oh, you bet it will…

I hope that's Evian water, otherwise this is just degrading...

I hope that’s Evian water, otherwise this is just degrading.

The Visuals

You know, when they don’t need to pull a Mega Shark, a Gatoroid, a Crocosaurus or a Bermuda Tentacle out of their arses The Asylum can actually serve up some decent cinematography. Instead of the poorly CGI-rendered monsters that we have grown to love in their other movies, Bound serves up in their place a lot of latex and leather and enough gratuitous boob shots to keep you interested.

Now you sit there and think about what you've done!

Now you sit there and think about what you’ve done!

The Feelings

Surprise mainly.

Here’s a list of the things that Bound got right in comparison to Fifty Shades of Grey:

  • An attractive male lead.
  • An attractive female lead.
  • Actual chemistry between the lead characters.
  • Actual businesses and work.
  • Actual contracts.
  • Actual BDSM.
  • A slow and considered approach for new-comers to BDSM.
  • A new-comer to BDSM doing a little research into what she’s getting herself into.
  • A sub who knows her limits.
  • A dom who listens when the sub says the safe word.
  • Really good outfits.

It’s not that Bound is a tremendous movie, but on reflection what I liked most about it was that it showed that Ryan’s relationship with Michelle (and, by extension, Christian’s relationship Anastasia in the Fifty Shades trilogy) is not romantic or protective – it’s dangerous, and that whipping someone and forcing them to call you ‘master’ is not an accurate representation of BDSM culture.

Would I recommend that everyone rush out and watch this movie? No. But if you’ve seen Fifty Shades of Grey and felt as hollowed out by the experience as I did then Bound is worth a watch to see how much better it could’ve been done.

My Final Rating: 5 / 10
Buy Bound on Amazon.com

TRAILER

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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