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Movie Review: 1313: Giant Killer Bees!

1313-gkb

Released: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10

You know what, I’m not gonna rip this movie a new one right off the bat. I knew what I was getting myself into when I started watching it – I did review 1313: Cougar Cult back in the day, after all. Having seen Cougar Cult I knew that there wouldn’t be enough budget to pull off special effects (because all of the money goes into young men pulling off their clothes instead), but a little part of me wanted to see how they were going to (try and) pull off giant killer bees. Well, the long and short of it is they couldn’t, and they didn’t.

Me every second of this movie.

Me every second of this movie.

The Plot

Somewhere in the Caribbean there is a mystical research facility that is an abandoned hospital for exterior shots and someone’s house for interior shots. Here, in a high-tech breakfast nook/laboratory, research involving dipping bees into liquid is ongoing. But what research could you possibly be doing that involves dipping bees in liquid, I hear you ask? I can’t believe you couldn’t figure it out – they’re trying to make a more hardy bee that won’t die off simply because humans insist on killing the planet! These bees will be able to stand up to anything – pollutants, harsh weather, shirtless men everywhere, you name it.

Unfortunately Professor Generic wants results faster than the facility’s three-man team who never do any actual work can manage, so he sends in Too-Tight Wifebeater to spike the bee’s liquid with some other liquid. On the plus side this does make the bees more robust, but on the down side it also turns them into giant angry zombie werewolf vampire bees. These new and more deadly bees have a craving for man flesh, and upon stinging the more rugged and virile specimens these very same men become mindless drones so quickly that it blows all their clothes off.

The team must obviously do all it can to stop the bees from spreading from the island (?) and infecting other bees, and to do this they either lay around on beds in nothing but their underwear feeling themselves up, or in the shower feeling themselves up and never actually using soap and I fucking give up trying to make sense of what the hell was happening here.

The Walking "we weren't hot enough to get into actual porn" Dead

The Walking “we weren’t hot enough to get into actual porn” Dead

The Visuals

Visuals? What visuals?! Let’s keep this nice and simple:

  • If you want to watch an actual sci-fi thriller, don’t watch this. It’s not at all thrilling and there’s no actual sci-fi to it.
  • If you want to watch something that’s homoerotic, don’t watch this. It contains neither homos or anything erotic.
  • If you want to watch good-looking men running around in their underwear, don’t watch this. Rather just watch porn.
  • If you want to watch something with a strong environmental message, don’t watch this. For all the prattling on about saving the environment I’m fairly sure you could’ve drained the Hoover Dam for all the unnecessary showering that was going on.

Also don’t watch this because watching this is physically very difficult since it has a very strange colour balance and everything looks like the cameraman got bacon grease on the lens and couldn’t be bothered to wash it off.

Have to have the occasional bee to ground the movie in its title.

Have to have the occasional bee to ground the movie in its title.

The Feelings

Pulsating rage.

Again, perhaps I’m not really in a position to be angry – I should’ve known better about what I was doing to myself, or avoided watching the movie altogether. But I’m angry anyway!

There really is no point to this film – its plot is flimsy, the acting is horrific, the production values are non-existent, and for the one sad attempt at a sex scene you could’ve cut the sexual tension with a dessert spoon. The action, for lack of a better term, is also very short-lived – 1313: Giant Killer Bees! is only about 80 minutes long, but at least 40 minutes of that is taken up by men feeling themselves up or walking around a deserted castle (for reasons that well and truly escaped me).

Don’t ever watch this – not ever.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy 1313: Giant Killer Bees! at Amazon.com

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Posted by on September 18, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review – Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity

Before I decided to stop the B-Horror Blog in favour of A World of Weird I had the idea to do a themed set of movie reviews entitled ‘Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!’. I didn’t manage to make any great progress, but while I was rummaging around the old site I found the one review I did complete, and it’s just been sitting there since June 2013.

And so I present to you The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review, unedited, unchanged and unread for all these years.

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slave-girls-from-beyond-infinity

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the wild, wild world of b-movie watching, these are the kind of movies that we all search high and low for. While its title makes it a perfect candidate for my Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!, it has so many other things going for it as well. Made during what I like to think of as the golden age of the b-movies, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity has just enough naked women, balanced out by the perfect level of nearly naked women, cheesy 80s lasers, even cheesier 80s robots, spectacularly cheesy 80s monsters, and a plot that’s completely ludicrous and over the top but somehow, in the context of the movie, makes complete and utter sense. Definitely worth a watch if you’re in the mood for some of the best cheese the 80s has to offer up.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

Daria and Tisa are the absolute best of friends. They do, after all, have a lot in common: both of them are women, both of them like to run around in bikini-esque prehistoric outfits, and both of them are slaves being transported across the universe in a giant starship that’s shaped a little bit like a water pistol. Not content with the life of an intergalactic slave, the two of them decide to make a daring escape by overriding the starship’s entire mainframe by creating a minor electrical fault in their cell. They then overpower the ship’s entire crew of 2 guards and make their way onto one of the ship’s escape pods. Thankfully, being scantily clad slave women also comes with an inherent knowledge of how to pilot small spacecraft, so they manage to escape from the ship with relatively little difficulty and a lot of button pushing. Of course, a tiny escape pod isn’t going to go very far, and they’re in a relatively underdeveloped part of the universe that doesn’t have a lot of planets in it yet, so they’re going to have to come up with a plan quite fast if they have any hope of survival.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Unbeknownst to Diaria and Tisa, in the deepest, darkest reaches of space there lurks a planet inhabited solely by robots and suave Hispanic types in leather pants. The girls come across this planet while making their daring escape, and are forced to crash-land on it after the planet sends up a tractor beam that pulls any craft towards it far too quickly to make a safe landing. After coming ashore in their now-wet bikinis, they come across the house of Zed, a man in pants so tight you immediately know that he has no aspirations so far as fatherhood is concerned. He seems nice enough – he gives them clothes so that they’ll be more comfortable, and offers to lay out a beautiful dinner for them and two other people who have mysteriously crash landed on the planet. This is where they meet Shala, a rather bitchy woman who sees no reason to be polite to her saviour, and her brother Rik, who seems to think that something more sinister is going on on Zed’s planet.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Turns out that Rik might just be right. It would appear that Zed has a little hunting hobby, but he isn’t after any of the strange creatures that live in the alien jungle outside his sumptuous mansion. Oh no, Zed’s after humans that he can mount on the wall in his man cave. Since Daria’s brain seems to be the same size as her breasts she figures this out quite quickly, and the girls have to do some quick thinking so far as shedding their clothes, finding weapons, and booby trapping the jungle are concerned. Of course, there are other problems to consider, such as how one best goes about sexually distracting a robot, and exactly where the lines between simulating sex to fool someone and having actual sex start to blur. When it finally comes time for the hunt Daria and Tisa will have to contend with the island’s mutants and zombies, temples that distort the fabric of time and space, and Zed and his crew of two bickering androids, if they’re ever going to have a hope of escaping in the other escape pod that Zed has so lovingly laid out with zebra-skin seat covers.

These are the adventures of the slave girls from beyond infinity, and I defy any of you not to watch it!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Maniacal robots are easier to outrun if you’re only wearing a bikini.
  • Sometimes the only thing standing between you and freedom is stealing a starship.
  • You can have more than one person in solitary confinement.
  • It’s always best to find a planet with a breathable atmosphere before you jump out of your spaceship.
  • Most modern spaceships come with pilot ejector seats.
  • The inhabitants of most planets have emergency clothing supplies in the event that bikini-clad ex-slave girls in need of a fresh wardrobe crash-land on the surface.
  • Animals who get killed by hunters simply didn’t want to get away.
  • There is no aphrodisiac stronger than the rush you get by bludgeoning a small animal to death.
  • Even androids aren’t above being sexually bribed into disobeying their orders.
  • Slave girls from beyond infinity travel across the universe and do battle with all manner of intergalactic foes so that other slave girls from beyond infinity will never have to know what it feels like to go without a good rogering.
  • Chasing bikini-clad women through the jungle with a laser bow-and-arrow really just boils down to a clash of philosophical belief systems.
  • Women with small breasts are no good at storing maps in their bras.
  • Women have this funny way of knowing when the normal rules of time and space don’t apply to a particular holy site.

SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY TRAILER

BUY SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY AT AMAZON.COM

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: The Darkest Hour

The Darkest Hour

Released: 2011
Genre: Sci-Fi / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.9 / 10

Over the years as a young, aspiring academic (or, to put it another way, that other grad student you give all the marking to), I built up a small collection of movies fun enough to provide background entertainment to the pile of scripts that seemed to be breeding faster than I could mark, but that didn’t require my complete attention to make sense. The Darkest Hour is one of those films. Although I’m no longer stuck behind a mountain of marking, this movie is still a fun little distraction that’s best reserved for Sunday afternoons when you want to watch a movie but aren’t averse to drifting off into a comfortable nap either.

It doesn’t do anything amazing and by all accounts it isn’t an amazing movie, but as a mindless alien invasion movie that doesn’t push any boundaries it’s incredibly watchable and will keep you sufficiently entertained for 90 minutes.

Well, the aliens clearly aren't here for cultural reasons...

Say, “We’re all going to die!!”

The Plot

Sean and Ben are best friends travelling to Russia to pitch an app that’s the unholy love child of the Facebook check-in function and Tinder. Unfortunately it would appear that their business partner has already ripped them off and sold a similar but not-similar-from-a-legal-standpoint app to the Russians instead. Depressed and running out of marker pens to hide the holes in their suits, they head off to a local Moscow club to forget their troubles.

It’s here that they meet Natalie and Anne, two women enjoying the sexual prime of their youth who just love Russia but can’t understand why the natives are so insistent on speaking Russian. Taken by Sean and Ben for their incredibly sexy ability to produce near-complete English sentences, the four strike up a conversation just as the whole world is about to go to hell in a handbasket.

Just as the party’s about to really kick into high gear the power fails entirely as what looks to be an aurora appears in the night sky; an aurora that’s slowly descending to the ground, but an aurora nonetheless. Of course it isn’t really an aurora – these are invisible aliens protected by a forcefield of electricity which keeps them invisible and allows them to disintegrate their prey on contact. And, naturally, humans (and one poor dog) are the prey.

Sean, Ben, Natalie and Anne must now work their way through the increasingly ashy streets of Moscow while avoiding alien detection in an attempt to make it back to the (in their heads) alien-banishing safety of America. To do this they will enlist the help of several crazy Russians, a cat wrapped up in fairy lights, and a lone nuclear submarine out to save humanity.

It’s a kooky plot, but it’s a fun plot.

Efficiency is perfecting the quick and brutally painful death.

Efficiency is perfecting the quick and brutally painful death.

The Visuals

Like the film as a whole the visuals aren’t exactly pushing the boundaries of 2011 CGI technology, but they are perfectly serviceable – a bit like the Syfy channel’s line of wonders but on a good day. Given that you don’t actually see the aliens in their full computer generated glory until much later on, the most fun thing comes from seeing a lot of humans getting disintegrated (and this is a lot of fun to watch). Second place goes to seeing the remaining humans run around from an alien’s point of view – somewhat boxier than our fleshy forms are to our own eyes, but with the added benefit of seeing electric currents. I feel that evolution really let us down on this front – being able to see other people’s electric fields would be really cool.

You invite aliens to your planet and this is how they treat it. Breeding will out.

You invite aliens to your planet and this is how they treat it.

The Feelings

Entertainment in repose. I think I’ve seen this movie in its entirety maybe twice, but no less than ten times if you were to piece it all together from the times I’ve drifted off to sleep watching it. That’s not to say the movie isn’t fun to watch, because it is – it’s just that The Darkest Hour, unlike a clingy lover, is happy to let you go as far as you want with it and then let go once you’ve had your fill.

My Final Rating: 6 / 10
Buy The Darkest Hour at Amazon.com

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Posted by on June 25, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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