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Game Review: The Legend of Zelda

loz

Release Date: 15 November 1987
Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)

In preparation for the upcoming release of The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild I decided it was time to direct my nascent love of this franchise to its beginnings and see how far we’ve managed to come in 30 years. Since I was one of the fortunate few who was able to secure an NES Mini when it launched I decided to rock it old school with a controller far too small for adult hands, printed out maps of Hyrule, and a handy guide to see me through this adventure.

Was my day in Hyrule well spent? Not really, but it was insightful nevertheless.

Can't have a review of this game without this image somewhere.

Can’t have a review of this game without this image somewhere.

The Plot

Fun thing about this game – it tells you nothing. This wouldn’t have been a problem back in the day when the game cartridge came with all manner of accompaniments, including a story breakdown, but in 2017 it requires a little navigation of Wikipedia to understand your motivation.

In a timeline that would later follow the Hero of Time’s defeat in Ocarina of Time Ganon has invaded Hyrule and stolen the Triforce of Power. Princess Zelda, hoping to stop Ganon from gaining too much power, chooses to split the Triforce of Wisdom into eight fragments and hide them in temples throughout the kingdom before she’s eventually kidnapped (as all princesses back in the day were). Before being spirited away she did manage to instruct her nursemaid to find someone courageous enough to retrieve the eight fragments of the Triforce of Wisdom, defeat Ganon, and rescue Hyrule from certain doom – and so Link’s adventure begins.

loz_map

This is an awful lot of map.

The Gameplay

This game is a bizarre combination of infuriating difficulty and mind-boggling simplicity.

Much like with the plot the game gives you nothing when it comes to telling you how to actually play it. Unlike later games which tend to point you in the right direction and arm you with a variety of assistants to give you a hint when you get a bit stuck, the original Legend of Zelda is entirely non-linear and completely unhelpful. Its exploration elements hark back to the days of playground discussions to find out what your friends had discovered and to trade in secrets found. There are no environmental clues to tell you where hidden rooms might be, nothing to tell you what the item you just found actually does, and dungeons aren’t so much areas with elaborate puzzles that need solving as they are mazes of similar-looking rooms that involve little more than key-finding expeditions. I’m nearly 30-years-old now, so it would be a little creepy for me to hop into a playground full of young children to discuss a game most probably haven’t even heard of, so I resorted to a guide by the good people over at Zelda Dungeon. It was that or spend days walking aimlessly through this 8-bit Hyrule without a clue about what I should be doing.

In contrast to this ‘you need to get this item but we’re not going to tell you where it is or what it does but you’ll die very quickly if you don’t have it’ approach to exploration, combat is relatively simple and few enemies provide any real challenge. Those that do tend to veer off to the decidedly difficult side of the spectrum, but other than that all it takes are one or two hits at something and you’re in the clear. This is particularly true of dungeon bosses, and if you know what you’re doing it often takes more time to walk from one end of a room to the other than it takes to defeat them. It can be rather anti-climatic in a way, given how tricky it can be to actually find the boss, but I guess allowances must be made.

Would have been useful to find this much earlier than I actually did.

Would have been useful to find this much earlier on than I actually did.

The Feelings

Here’s the thing – on the one hand it feels unfair to judge a game older than I am by the standards of modern gaming, but on the other hand you need to decide if the game is worth playing in 2017.

The Legend of Zelda is an interesting game to play because you can see all the rudimentary bits of what would later become franchise staples. If you know what you’re doing (or have a guide like I did) it’s also quite a short game – I finished it in one sitting that lasted around 5 hours, so it’s useful if you feel like saving Hyrule but don’t have a ton of time to spare. That being said I can’t say that it was a particularly fun game to play. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just that it’s a product of a different time and as a result didn’t offer up anything challenging since discovering things is more down to dumb luck and candle-driven pyromania than to clever deduction.

But at least I can say that I have played it, ever desperate as I am to avoid accusations of being a filthy casual.

My Final Rating: 5 / 10
Buy an NES Classic Edition at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2017 in Game Review

 

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The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review – Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity

Before I decided to stop the B-Horror Blog in favour of A World of Weird I had the idea to do a themed set of movie reviews entitled ‘Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!’. I didn’t manage to make any great progress, but while I was rummaging around the old site I found the one review I did complete, and it’s just been sitting there since June 2013.

And so I present to you The B-Horror Blog: The Lost Review, unedited, unchanged and unread for all these years.

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Year of Release: 1987
Genre: Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

In the wild, wild world of b-movie watching, these are the kind of movies that we all search high and low for. While its title makes it a perfect candidate for my Month of the Epically Titled B-Movie!!, it has so many other things going for it as well. Made during what I like to think of as the golden age of the b-movies, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity has just enough naked women, balanced out by the perfect level of nearly naked women, cheesy 80s lasers, even cheesier 80s robots, spectacularly cheesy 80s monsters, and a plot that’s completely ludicrous and over the top but somehow, in the context of the movie, makes complete and utter sense. Definitely worth a watch if you’re in the mood for some of the best cheese the 80s has to offer up.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

That’s her investigator / robot seduction outfit.

Daria and Tisa are the absolute best of friends. They do, after all, have a lot in common: both of them are women, both of them like to run around in bikini-esque prehistoric outfits, and both of them are slaves being transported across the universe in a giant starship that’s shaped a little bit like a water pistol. Not content with the life of an intergalactic slave, the two of them decide to make a daring escape by overriding the starship’s entire mainframe by creating a minor electrical fault in their cell. They then overpower the ship’s entire crew of 2 guards and make their way onto one of the ship’s escape pods. Thankfully, being scantily clad slave women also comes with an inherent knowledge of how to pilot small spacecraft, so they manage to escape from the ship with relatively little difficulty and a lot of button pushing. Of course, a tiny escape pod isn’t going to go very far, and they’re in a relatively underdeveloped part of the universe that doesn’t have a lot of planets in it yet, so they’re going to have to come up with a plan quite fast if they have any hope of survival.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Capturing women really builds up tension in the neck.

Unbeknownst to Diaria and Tisa, in the deepest, darkest reaches of space there lurks a planet inhabited solely by robots and suave Hispanic types in leather pants. The girls come across this planet while making their daring escape, and are forced to crash-land on it after the planet sends up a tractor beam that pulls any craft towards it far too quickly to make a safe landing. After coming ashore in their now-wet bikinis, they come across the house of Zed, a man in pants so tight you immediately know that he has no aspirations so far as fatherhood is concerned. He seems nice enough – he gives them clothes so that they’ll be more comfortable, and offers to lay out a beautiful dinner for them and two other people who have mysteriously crash landed on the planet. This is where they meet Shala, a rather bitchy woman who sees no reason to be polite to her saviour, and her brother Rik, who seems to think that something more sinister is going on on Zed’s planet.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Sensible weapons for women in sensible outfits.

Turns out that Rik might just be right. It would appear that Zed has a little hunting hobby, but he isn’t after any of the strange creatures that live in the alien jungle outside his sumptuous mansion. Oh no, Zed’s after humans that he can mount on the wall in his man cave. Since Daria’s brain seems to be the same size as her breasts she figures this out quite quickly, and the girls have to do some quick thinking so far as shedding their clothes, finding weapons, and booby trapping the jungle are concerned. Of course, there are other problems to consider, such as how one best goes about sexually distracting a robot, and exactly where the lines between simulating sex to fool someone and having actual sex start to blur. When it finally comes time for the hunt Daria and Tisa will have to contend with the island’s mutants and zombies, temples that distort the fabric of time and space, and Zed and his crew of two bickering androids, if they’re ever going to have a hope of escaping in the other escape pod that Zed has so lovingly laid out with zebra-skin seat covers.

These are the adventures of the slave girls from beyond infinity, and I defy any of you not to watch it!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Maniacal robots are easier to outrun if you’re only wearing a bikini.
  • Sometimes the only thing standing between you and freedom is stealing a starship.
  • You can have more than one person in solitary confinement.
  • It’s always best to find a planet with a breathable atmosphere before you jump out of your spaceship.
  • Most modern spaceships come with pilot ejector seats.
  • The inhabitants of most planets have emergency clothing supplies in the event that bikini-clad ex-slave girls in need of a fresh wardrobe crash-land on the surface.
  • Animals who get killed by hunters simply didn’t want to get away.
  • There is no aphrodisiac stronger than the rush you get by bludgeoning a small animal to death.
  • Even androids aren’t above being sexually bribed into disobeying their orders.
  • Slave girls from beyond infinity travel across the universe and do battle with all manner of intergalactic foes so that other slave girls from beyond infinity will never have to know what it feels like to go without a good rogering.
  • Chasing bikini-clad women through the jungle with a laser bow-and-arrow really just boils down to a clash of philosophical belief systems.
  • Women with small breasts are no good at storing maps in their bras.
  • Women have this funny way of knowing when the normal rules of time and space don’t apply to a particular holy site.

SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY TRAILER

BUY SLAVE GIRLS FROM BEYOND INFINITY AT AMAZON.COM

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: Urotsukidōji: Legend of the Overfiend

Legend of the OverfiendReleased: 1989
Genre: Anime / Horror
IMDB Rating: 6.4 / 10

Not one to be outdone by Tropical Mary’s tree and tentacle rape book reviews, I found myself sitting one day thinking about what would be better/more horrific than reading about tentacle rape, and inspiration struck me: watching tentacle rape! As luck would have it I recalled watching Legend of the Overfiend as a teenager, and thought that my now slightly more warped adult mind would be up to the task of watching this movie. I not only regret having this thought, but I rue and lament it as well. Having spent the better part of three hours watching this, it became abundantly clear that the version my teenage self had seen was a somewhat more heavily censored version than what now lay before me on the TV screen.

But no matter what else I may feel about this movie (and right now I’m feeling a lot), I must give it absolute credit for being the moistest thing to ever grace my TV screen.

Those are all penises.

Those are all penises.

The Plot

While I refer to this as a movie for the sake of simplicity, the original animation was actually developed as three separate episodes (‘Birth of the Overfiend’, ‘Curse of the Overfiend’ and ‘Final Inferno’) between 1987 and 1989 which form one continuous narrative.

In the beginning the Japanese had a very different word to the one us Westerners are perhaps more accustomed to. Existence is made up of three realms: the realm of humans and the Japanese (my distinction, not the movie’s), the realm of the beasts, and the realm of the demons. Legend tells of the birth of the Overfiend, a creature of unimaginable power (and penis tornadoes) that will awaken after 3000 years to bring the three realms together as one united kingdom.

Our story begins with Tatsuo Nagumo masturbating in a girl’s locker room (which really sets the tone for the next two hours). Any of the flouncing fannies is enough to get our lecherous protagonist going, but he’s really got a thing going for Akemi Ito, who at first glance looks a bit like the old-school Princess Peach if Princess Peach ran a brothel.

After being humiliated in the middle of a basketball game and having blood licked off his face by Ozaki, the university’s studly and ultra-viral star player, Nagumo sees Akemi being taken into a classroom by a teacher. Here what started out as reasonably inappropriate teacher-pupil lesbian sex quickly devolves into exceptionally inappropriate demon-human lesbian(?) sex with more phallus-like tubes going into orifices (some of which I’m not convinced women actually have) that you could ever dream of. It is here that Nagumo meets Amano, a super-powerful being from the beast realm who quickly dispatches the teacher and her(?) various appendages. Confused and disoriented by what’s happened Akemi falls madly in love with Nagumo, believing that he was the one that saved her. And by ‘falling madly in love’, I mean ‘he’s going to finger her A LOT’.

Do you have a moment to speak about our Lord and Destroyer the Overfiend?

Do you have a moment to speak about our Lord and Destroyer the Overfiend?

Amano has been roaming the Earth for 300 years awaiting the Overfiend’s revival, convinced that its merging of the three realms will create a new and better existence for all creatures, whether they have one penis or many thousands. He’s accompanied by his nymphomaniac sister Megumi and horny little assistant Kuroko.

When it becomes apparent that Nagumo is the being destined to be reawakened as the Overfiend everything starts to go a bit tits-up (and tits down, tits swinging, tits dangling, tits grabbing, tits squeezing, tits licking etc.). The humans and the Japanese don’t know anything about this age-old struggle, but the beasts and the demons aren’t too keen on the Overfiend coming into existence since each likes their own little realm as it is, and the demons call on Suikakujū to destroy Nagumo before the Overfiend rises. To this end Suikakujū goes to a beaten little toad of a man called Niki who was recently left guarding a university lesbian orgy while only being allowed to lick a foot. In exchange for his soul he is gifted a demonic penis which gives him power beyond comprehension and semen more corrosive than acid, which he will use to kidnap Akemi from Nagumo.

This too goes a bit tits-up (literally – during a demonic battle Akemi’s busy masturbating in exchange for Nagumo to be spared) and the Overfiend is eventually awakened. Chaos ensues when the three realms are collapsed into one another, with humans and Japanese alike being subjected to the somewhat niche sexual tastes of the demons.

Amano, meanwhile, has since learned from the Elder Beast that the legend of the Overfiend may not in fact be entirely true, and the promise of a better world may first entail unimaginable (and damp) horror and destruction before a better existence can be brought about. With the help of his sister he must discover the truth of the Overfiend and its purpose before all of existence decays to such an extent that even inter-dimensional orgies won’t be enough to save it.

The number of foursomes taking place in Japan seem alarmingly above the global average.

The number of foursomes taking place in Japan seem alarmingly above the global average.

The Visuals

To be honest I’m not an expert when it comes to the various proficiencies of Japanese anime, but broadly speaking everything seemed to be suitably animated.

When it came to the blood and gore it was absolutely visceral in a way that only the Japanese can manage. Everyone has the blood content of several normal human beings, there are teeth and organs flying every which way and everything makes this slightly awful tearing sound when it breaks.

There’s not much to be said for the Beasts since they are generally just super-powered humans, but the demons were incredibly well done. None of them looked alike, with some on the slightly more humanoid side of things while others were just complete abominations.

And then there’s the sex. So much sex. Most people wouldn’t believe that every fold, nook and cranny of a vagina could be animated to such an extent, but the Legend of the Overfiend will succeed at proving you wrong. Coupled with the general moistness that imbues every sex scene (which, in essence, is every scene in the movie) absolutely no expense was spared in ensuring that the sex scenes were done to every pervert’s absolute delight and satisfaction.

It's always best to leave the party before things get to this point.

It’s always best to leave the party before things get to this point.

The Feelings

This is tricky.

On the face of it Legend of the Overfiend is a completely disgusting affair which delights in obscene sex and gratuitous levels of violence that would leave the vast majority of those on Tumblr in need of heart medication. I myself felt that I might need to wear a rain coat to get to the end for fear of being drenched in bodily fluids.

The fact of the matter, however, is that that’s exactly what the movie sets out to do – it’s meant to be shocking, disgusting and horrifying, and going in with any other expectations are going to leave you in a rather sorry state if you make it to the end (even going in with the right expectations will leave you mildly stunned).

By the time the end rolled round and I’d become reasonably desensitised to the ongoing murder and vaginal intrusions forever being thrust at me what I was pleasantly surprised to discover was that there’s actually a reasonably decent story going on in the midst of the clammy chaos. Not a story for the ages, mind you, but a good enough one that makes Legend of the Overfiend something other than just violent and sexual for the sake of it.

Would I recommend this to everyone? No. Would I recommend this to parents of children you don’t like? Maybe. Would I recommend it to those with morbid curiosity who won’t find it odd when a human female literally explodes from being over sexed? Absolutely.

My Final Rating: 6 / 10
Buy Legend of the Overfiend on Amazon.com

TRAILER

 
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Posted by on July 10, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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