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Book Review: Chapter Five and the Axe-Wielding Maniac

Chapter Five and the Axe Wielding Maniac

Author: Marie Sexton
Genre: Romance / Comedy
Published: 2014

“Too bad nobody had given me advance warning about the axe-wielding maniac. I might have made myself a bit more presentable.”

It’s an incredibly rare thing, but every now and then you land up downloading something from Amazon that you are absolutely convinced will be rubbish but that somehow turns out to be a decent read. I wouldn’t have thought Chapter Five and the Axe-Wielding Maniac would be such a find – it’s only 38 pages long, so I was expecting the usual poorly written pseudo-porno setup between an author and a maniac on the run, and if there was an unnecessary amount of thrusting then so be it. What I had instead was a quick little read that was both humorous and touching enough to earn a recommendation.

The Plot

Josh is a 42-year-old author who’s having a bit of a rough time in life. His partner of many years has recently left him and he’s sequestered himself at the family cabin in a vain attempt to get over his writer’s block. None of this is helped when the rather excitable and bouncy (and considerably younger) Rad Fox rocks up on his doorstep with a crowbar and pickaxe asking to dig up the floor in Josh’s lounge. Josh is a sensible being and decides that this is a decidedly unsafe and weird request, and bids Rad to be on his way.

But Rad’s not without his tricks, and knows the way into a man’s heart and lounge – with a good coconut chicken curry. Through the course of the evening’s conversation it comes out that the request to dig up the lounge isn’t as bizarre as it originally sounded – turns out that way back in the day Rad’s grandfather and Josh’s great-uncle were a couple in a far less forgiving time, and mementos of their relationship are buried somewhere under the lounge.

What follows is a surprisingly touching story of lost love, adventure, and sexual re-awakenings.

The Writing Style

Praise be to Mother Isis, not a run-on sentence in sight!

Given that this is a very short read I commend Marie Sexton for being able to construct a fully coherent story with well-realised characters. Both Josh and Rad have their own distinct personalities with just enough back story for them to make sense. There are moments of genuine humour as the encounter between the two is set up in a very clichéd manner only to have (particularly) Josh react in very real and lucid ways. There are also moments that are genuinely heartfelt, and again points must go to the author for being able to squeeze this into a very short amount of space.

What I also liked is the way the two sexual encounters were dealt with. There’s nary a raging cock nor flying bodily fluid to be found, for which I am eternally grateful. More people need to learn from Ms Sexton’s example that balls-to-the-wall vulgarity does not necessarily equate to erotic or romantic writing. The sex itself isn’t really described beyond the fact that it happened, with the first time being a lusty and animalistic affair while the second time is a more tender and slow approach, which makes complete sense in the context of the story.

The Feelings

Very pleasantly surprised.

I’m not very big into romance stories, so you need to tickle something in me to get my attention. Unlike most of what I read for this blog, which seem to want to tickle my prostate with a rusty rake, Chapter Five and the Axe-Wielding Maniac goes for the light and fuzzy with just the right amount of situational comedy to elicit a few laughs and the occasional raised eyebrow. In amongst all this it also manages to touch on shifting societal values, issues of perception when it comes to aging, and a very realistic approach to an adventurous new relationship.

Props also to Marie Sexton for being realistic enough to admit that there is a very real danger of concussion when you have sex up against a solid fireplace.

My Final Rating: 6 / 10
Buy Chapter Five and the Axe-Wielding Maniac at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 23, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Ice Sharks

Ice Sharks

Released: 2016
Genre: Action / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10

Just after I reviewed the decidedly average Mega Shark VS Kolossus a little something from one of its lead actors popped up in my Twitter notifications:

Ice Sharks_EdR Tweet

Not wanting this to be another Kacey Zen-type incident I decided that there was only one rational thing I could do: become the President and Chief Financial Officer of the Unofficial Edward DeRuiter fan club. It made sense – he tends to be in movies I enjoy watching and he had that oddly buff office worker vibe going on. And so it was decided that I would watch any movie that Mr DeRuiter had a starring role in after the aforementioned Mega Shark VS Kolossus, and the fan club kicked off its run with Ice Sharks.

Once they reach a specific age marine bases swim off to start families of their own.

Once they reach a specific age marine bases swim off to start families of their own.

The Plot

On at undisclosed island somewhere around Greenland at an unnamed facility doing unspecified but very wide-reaching research things are about to get a little hairy. According to the local Scottish Indian Inuit people are going missing on the ice, and Tracy and David (played by the ever-charming DeRuiter) decide to head out and see whether the polar bears are snacking on things they shouldn’t. It all goes a bit pear-shaped when it becomes apparent that several creatures lying in bits and pieces on the ice have been attacked by Greenland sharks, and even David’s swoon-inducing smile isn’t enough to ward off an attack, and he and Tracy barely make it back to the facility alive.

But these are clever sharks, evolved to have razor-sharp fins and a strong understanding of circles. Working as a group they saw through the ice, separating the facility from the connecting land and causing it to float off into the sea. Cautionary tale kids: don’t build your research facility on wafer-thin ice – not even David’s rippling biceps will be able to reconnect that to the rest of the shelf.

Things take a decided turn for the worse when the sharks rally once more and sink the facility, sending it to the sea floor from whence they can pick off the survivors one by one. It’ll be up to David and all his sensuous manoeuvres (and the help of several unimportant characters and a large ice breaking ship) to make effective use of soft science that’ll refloat the facility if anyone’s going to have a chance of seeing the surface world again.

Ain't nothing wrong with a little extra thigh.

Ain’t nothing wrong with a little extra thigh.

The Visuals

I’ll say this: leave The Asylum to its own devices and it can really throw some painful stuff your way, but have SyFy pitch in with a little spare cash and what I presume must be a vision of some sort and you end up with something that, while not tremendously good, is still quite entertaining. I mean I’m not quite sure why we’re building things on tiny flecks of ice or how a tank that sunk right down landed up half a kilometre away from where it was dropped or how one short cable can turn into four very long sunken-facility-lifting cables, but if that’s what the movie wants to throw at its audience then fine, I’ll accept that. Of course the vast majority of everything is also that CGI work from circa 2002, but it wouldn’t be an Asylum or SyFy movie without it. The day they cough up for real special effects is the day I tap out.

Of course, with all these CGI sharks and floating research facilities, one thing that’s all real (and all man) is Edward DeRuiter, and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.

He got that, he got that, he got that D.I.L.F. $

He got that, he got that, he got that D.I.L.F. $

The Feelings

I went into this movie for ice sharks and Edward DeRuiter, and I left satisfied.

At the end of the day you’re going to get out of this movie exactly what its title and lineage suggest: sharks in and around the ice, some very questionable science, and a bonus round of cockblocking from a Scottish Indian Inuit. In my humble opinion there are far worse ways to spend a Sunday night.

And of course, it has Edward DeRuiter. With absolutely no knowledge of a Germanic language other than English I’m fairly sure his surname must translate to ‘the dreamy one’, and that’s the most important thing this movie will teach you.

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Ice Sharks at Amazon.com

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Posted by on August 15, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: The Bagel Sandwich Bang

The Bagel Sandwich Bang

Author: Oliver Clozov
Genre: Erotica
Published: 2015

“…he never imagined that an everyday snack could turn into an everyday fuck.”

As much as I do enjoy seeing Tropical Mary go through agony at the sheer assault on the senses that is the Amazon erotica section, I felt that our joint escapade with Lord Metalcock was perhaps one step too far and that it would be unfair for her to suffer an ordeal like reviewing Oliver Clozov on her own. To atone for this I dutifully went off to find the author’s page so I could subject myself to some of his literary offal as well. Enter (literally and figuratively) The Bagel Sandwich Bang.

I had a lot of questions. For example: Why? What is going on with this cover? Am I really going to spend $1.13 on this? Is it a sentient bagel? The Stygian Mole also asked aloud what I had only dared to ponder internally: was it a cream cheese bagel? I was fairly certain that whatever happened it was going to end up being one, but perhaps the bagel’s origin story deserved to be told.

Such is the story of how I don’t feel like eating lunch today.

The Plot

“Plot” is too generous a word for what’s going on here. Prior experience should have taught me not to expect anything so tremendously outlandish as a sentient bagel from this fool, but dare to dream I did.

This story really is nothing other than a guy named Randy fucking a sandwich. He kicked his girlfriend out of the house and to get over his instantaneous loneliness he makes a sandwich and, on the spur of the moment, decides to fuck it. I take that back – “fuck it” isn’t the right term for what happens here. Randy makes love to the sandwich. That sandwich knew a type of affection that most of us can only dream of. For 20 minutes that sandwich knew love and the tender touch of a man.

But then the sandwich got chucked out because nobody wants to eat their own mayonnaise. And in the end, despite all the loving words and his gentle caresses, Randy isn’t any better than any other guy – his needs satiated by its wholegrain crust he turns his eye to the ripe and fruity cantaloupe just sitting there in his kitchen.

Ladies (and gents), don’t feel bad if your man has a bit of a wandering eye. It’s not you – if this sandwich couldn’t keep a man, then us lesser beings really shouldn’t be down on ourselves if we can’t either.

The Writing Style

Unlike with the misadventures of Lord Metalcock, Oliver (who I’m still convinced is 13-years-old) didn’t turn himself on halfway through the story, so instead of starting out badly and getting horribly worse it just started out as miserably below par and stayed there, so if not for style it at least scores points for consistency.

And say what you want about this piece of trash but you could use it in high schools to teach kids the concept of personification. That sandwich wasn’t doing a damn thing except being the unknowing recipient of unnatural lust for the course of this toilet tissue’s 23 pages, but Randy loved that thing more than any man has ever loved another human being. And I say good for the sandwich, everything deserves to feel loved.

The Feelings

So very confused.

Lord Metalcock taught me that little Oliver doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sex works. The Bagel Sandwich Bang taught me that he doesn’t have the slightest understanding of how sandwich making or bagels work either. Granted I come from South Africa, so maybe it’s a cultural difference, but down here our bagels already have a hole in the centre – it’s kind of what makes them bagels. So I’m really not sure why Randy had to cut a hole into his bagel before he could have sex with it.

I’m equally unclear about how this could be as pleasurable as described, for two reasons. Firstly, this is a wholegrain bagel. Wholegrain usually has bits of grain in it, and given the circumstances those bits are going to land up in places you really don’t want them. Given that I prefer to eat my food in a more traditional manner I may be missing something here, but I imagine that a white bagel would be a smoother ride. I leave this point to those who are more familiar with the practices described in this book to point out if I am wrong. Secondly, and again maybe things are different overseas, my experience of bagels is that they aren’t a tremendously robust bread product. For this reason I’m not convinced that a single bagel, particularly one that has already been piled full of condiments, could withstand a 20 minute pounding. Perhaps there are especially durable bagels that one can purchase for alternative uses such as this, but if so I must again defer to the wisdom of those more familiar with sitophilia than myself.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy The Bagel Sandwich Bang at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on August 8, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Martian Land

Martian Land

Released: 2015
Genre: Sci-Fi / Action
IMDB Rating: 2.3 / 10

Watching this cinematically-induced lobotomy brought to mind the words of one of the world’s most eminent scholars:

“Yes, I see. Something involving that many big words could easily destabilise time itself.”
– 
Professor Hubert Farnsworth

This was all that lay at the core of this ill-conceived attempt by The Asylum to ride on the coattails of The Martian: if we throw enough big words at the audience, whether or not they make sense, maybe they’ll think that we understand what we’re talking about. Well guess what The Asylum? My penchant for reading hard sci-fi novels from the 60s and a few quick glances at Wikipedia have taught me more about what it would take to live on Mars than anything you tried to throw together!

Next time you build a Martian colony, maybe cover it in something a bit more resilient than Plexiglass!

Next time you build a Martian colony, maybe cover it in something a bit more resilient than Plexiglass!

The Plot

In the distant future the Earth has been lost to mankind. Our habit of burning fossil fuels and the subsequent global warming ultimately resulted in an unprecedented rise in volcanic activity across the planet, leaving the homeworld enveloped in an impenetrable cover of nuclear dust which left life on its surface impossible. And so we set off to Mars to build civilisation anew! Alas, our bad habits will once again be our downfall. While Earth was the perfect temperature to begin with and didn’t really need our help Mars was a bit chilly when we got there, and so we set about trying to warm the place up a little. This fractional rise in temperature has one horrible unintended side effect – it re-ignites Olympus Mons, the largest volcano in our solar system, which causes an enormous dust storm to erupt and begin spreading out over the Martian surface.

The domed cities of Mars are not designed to withstand the wind strengths generated by this storm, and Mars New York is quickly compromised when its dome is shattered. Over in Mars Los Angeles Miranda, a truly remarkable mind in a scientific field so generically named that she could literally be studying anything, needs to mount a rescue operation that will somehow both save her daughter who was in MNY when the storm struck, and deactivate the storm before it can cause similar damage to Mars’ other cities. Thankfully she knows just the right guy for the job.

Miranda has her current husband, Neil, bring her ex-husband, Foster, to Mars from Earth, where he has apparently been living quite comfortably while trying to restore the Blue Marble to its forgotten majesty. Foster devises the ultimate plan to stop the storm – by placing EMF emitters at key points, one of which must be in the eye of this eyeless storm, they can blast the storm apart and thus save mankind’s new home. But Mars is a frigid bitch and a hostile mistress, and it will take all of Neil and Foster’s acting inabilities to pull this plan off before all of the Martian cities are lost.

I would like, at this point, to assure anyone reading this that every word in this description has been carefully chosen to accurately reflect the plot of this film.

You know it's Mars because it has spacey looking buildings like this.

You know it’s Mars because it has spacey looking buildings like this.

The Visuals

This has all your typical The Asylum crap and then a bit leftover for you to take home afterwards.

As a rule of thumb The Asylum’s films all tend to have enough budget to produce maybe three CGI scenes which must then be made multipurpose. Martian Land is no exception, and one generic cityscape will just need to cover every city on Mars, with the only difference being how much damage has been done to it by the storm. There’s also no need for extras because all you need to do is copy and paste the same guy running over and over again into the same shot and voila! You have a crowd.

Below par CGI aside Martian Land also has many other wonders to behold. Martian bushes littered all over the planet, for example. And who needs technologically fancy spacesuits to survive a hostile alien world when all-over lycra and a spray painted welding mask with some coloured tape stuck to it will do the same job for a tenth of the price? Why build your Martian rover using fancy materials when all the interior really needs are some broken up crates and a bank of fans from that old PC you were going to throw out anyway? And why are we wasting so much money here on Earth looking into clean forms of energy when all you need is an old TV antenna to act as a lightning rod that can instantly charge batteries?

If bullshit were a currency, Martian Land would be worth its runtime in gold.

My expression throughout the whole movie.

My expression throughout the whole movie.

The Feelings

This movie touched me in a bad place and then went in dry.

I am by no means an expert on terraforming or any of the other countless subjects that Martian Land so haphazardly attempts to throw at its audience like Naomi Campbell throwing a cellphone at an assistant she doesn’t like, but I find the concept of interplanetary travel and the colonisation of alien worlds to be a fascinating subject. And to be honest, you don’t need to be an expert to understand that global warming won’t activate a volcano. You don’t need to be an expert to know that you couldn’t breathe on the surface of Mars (although, to be fair, only some characters do this sometimes). And for the love of the bloody maker you don’t need to be an expert to understand that a storm needs to have an eye in the first place if an entire plan hinges on throwing something into the eye of the storm!

You know, I get it – in any space adventure film you can never get all of the facts right, and sometimes you need to bend the truth a little bit in order to make the movie fun. But the only thing that Martian Land managed to get right is that there is, in fact, a planet called Mars, and that’s just not gonna cut it for me.

My Final Rating: 2 / 10
Buy Martian Land at Amazon.com

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Posted by on July 24, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Movie Review: Cry_Wolf

Cry_Wolf

Released: 2005
Genre: Thriller / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.9 / 10

Perhaps no genre was quite as overdone as the teen slasher was during the 2000s. Back in the day you couldn’t so much as turn around without being confronted by a DVD cover with a bunch of kids staring out at you (my personal favourite being when they stood in a triangular formation) and some indication of their impending doom floating around in the background. These were my formative years.

But for all the slashers I’ve seen I somehow managed to skip past Cry_Wolf entirely. I knew about it, I’ve seen it in video stores a thousand times, but I just never got round to actually taking it out. 9 years late to the party I decided to rectify this mistake by making the mistake of watching it.

It's Little Red Riding Slut!

It’s Little Red Riding Slut!

The Plot

Owen Matthews and his very odd accent have just arrived at Westlake Preparatory Academy, a very prestigious and orange-tinted private school. Owen’s father sent him there to keep him out of trouble, but he unfortunately falls in with the wrong crowd almost right away. You know what 20-something teenagers are like.

This group, headed up by Regina of the pumpkin-spice hair, decide that the recent brutal murder of a fellow student is the perfect opportunity to play a prank on the entire school. Using a seemingly endless supply of bulky laptops and Nokia N-Gages the group come up with their own urban legend centred around a murderous villain known as The Wolf. Armed with a hunting knife and bedecked in a cantaloupe-inspired balaclava The Wolf will supposedly begin his rampage on Halloween when the moon is full, picking off your usual assortment of teenage stereotypes as he goes along. Thanks to the malevolent power of e-mail Owen manages to get the story going around school, where it quickly becomes all anyone can focus on.

It all starts to go a bit awry, of course, when someone decides to take The Wolf concept and actually run with it. As members of the group start disappearing Owen must desperately try to convince Bon Jovi, the campus’ leading academic authority, that everyone is in very real danger of being hacked to pieces because of the group’s attempt at being funny. But even Regina’s too-thin legs and Sam Winchester (presumably in witness protection here and going under the name ‘Tom’) may not be enough to stop The Wolf’s perfunctory killing spree.

Sammy!

Sammy!

The Visuals

No seriously, this whole film was orange. The school was orange, the lighting was orange, Regina’s hair was orange, most of the outfits were orange, the blood was orange, the Wolf’s cap was orange – it was quite off-putting. The teen slashers of the 2000s were known for some odd choices here and there, but never before have I seen a movie that tried to out-orange an orange.

The odd colour palette aside everything else here is serviceable, if a tad bit uninspired. There’s some decent camera work and the obligatory dark and sometimes-deserted campus for these fools to run around while trying to not get killed, but it’s nothing special and certainly nothing new. This predictable approach means that, combined with the rather lacklustre script execution, there isn’t really any tension or mystery in what you’re watching, which is really what you need if you want to pull off this kind of movie effectively.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and he looks pissed!

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and he looks pissed!

The Feelings

Weary.

The issue with Cry_Wolf, as with so many others, is that it has a very interesting premise, particularly for its time. I remember the older generations being absolutely terrified of the internet when it started to take off properly, especially considering the rather imaginative ways they thought we could get ourselves killed using it. This movie was made to capitalise on those fears, but for one major mistake – it forgot to make anything happen!

The movie takes so long to establish itself and to try and get you into the minds of the characters that it only leaves itself with about 20 minutes for the actual teen slashing to happen. Even in 2005’s economy that’s not enough slashing for the money you would’ve spent to rent a copy of the movie. It then tries to squeeze in not one, not two, but three twists at the end, but because I wasn’t really all that invested in the characters to begin with and because none of these surprises were particularly surprising I really couldn’t give a toss about the killer’s motive.

The 2000s had many a good slasher movie beyond your usual Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer knockoffs – Cry_Wolf just isn’t one of them.

My Final Rating: 4 / 10
Buy Cry_Wolf at Amazon.com

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Posted by on July 19, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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Book Review: Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos 2

Author: Kacey Zen
Genre: Erotica / Horror
Published: 2015

So a little while ago this popped up in my Twitter notifications:

Kacey Zen Tweet

I felt bad, especially considering that I had been a little harsh in my review (I may or may not have implied that Ms Zen’s brain was riddled with tapeworm). I’m man enough to admit when I’ve made a mistake, and I thought that perhaps I had been too rash in my assessment of Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #1. Maybe I’d had a rough day, maybe I wasn’t in the right head space, there are a myriad reasons you can misjudge a literary work.

With all that in mind I decided that the only fair way to judge whether I was wrong about Kacey Zen was to read Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2: Rug Munchers VS. Dick Heads, and I’m happy to report that it all turned out just as I had suspected: I’m never wrong.

The Plot

Kacey Zen’s trying to get all literary up in this gig, let me tell you.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 tells the story of two women, Vanessa and Rita, and how they came to find themselves as members of the Rug Munchers, an all-lesbian survival gang trying to make it in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland.

Vanessa was a young girl from a good home in a small town who moved to the big city with a simple dream: to become a porn star and ride the biggest fucking dicks you’ve ever seen from dawn until dusk. Fate cut this dream short when, just as she was about to do her first scene, her coworker overdosed on cocaine and became a zombie, forcing the military to evacuate her from her room.

Rita’s story is a bit darker. Some good old-fashioned parenting has left her crippled by her mother’s anxiety when it comes to “real” men, and she has gone through life dating androgynous guys and butch girls. But there’s a void deep within her begging to be filled. Cue donkey-dicked Frank, an Adonis Rita met when he was taking a shower in the parking lot behind her vegan café. Frank technically raped Rita in the café but she liked it and managed to record it, and she uses that recording to blackmail him into fucking her in every orifice whenever she wants, sometimes as many as twenty times a day.

An untold number of years later Frank’s dead and Vanessa and Rita are now members of the Rug Munchers, but Rita wants revenge. Revenge on Vanessa for fucking Frank, and revenge on her girlfriend Betty for killing him right before she herself was going to stab him with a butcher’s knife. But this revenge plot gets complicated when the Rug Munchers come up against the Dick Heads, a group of men on the prowl for women to fuck and then eat, and our lovely ladies in flannel will need to think on their backs if they’re gonna make it out of this alive.

The Writing Style

This was the issue with my review of the first pamphlet in (what some might loosely call) this series, so let’s start off with the good before we get into the bad.

Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 is just over twice the length of its predecessor, coming in at a whopping 42 pages. With all these extra pages Ms Zen has managed to get her pronouns right and flesh out her characters a bit more, so instead of the rather two-dimensional Ava from the first pamphlet you now have wholly unlikable characters like Vanessa and Rita.

What these extra pages have not fixed is the fact that Ms Zen struggles to put together a coherent sentence. God knows that before I publish a review I need to take out at least a dozen commas that shouldn’t be there (and maybe pop one or two in where I wasn’t paying attention), but at least I take the time to do it. I can also be accused of using the same word repetitively because, at that time, I was quite fond of it, but during the proof reading stage I will change it up a bit and even consult a thesaurus if need be. My point here, Ms Zen, is that there are other ways to refer to a woman’s vagina than constantly repeating the word “pussy” ad nauseam, with nothing to differentiate these various pussies other than their degree of wetness.

Also, and this is some free advice, when more than two people are engaged in dialogue (and even if it’s just two people for an extended period of time) YOU NEED TO INDICATE TO THE READER WHO IT IS THAT’S SPEAKING! For fuck’s sake…

The Feelings

Sweet Zombie Jesus, where do I even begin?

You know what, I’m not even going to focus on the all the things that can be considered wrong with having zombies with what may well be 34 inch penises double penetrating a woman, you can let your imagination run wild with you on that front. Equally, if your mother didn’t teach you that it’s wrong to keep women captive while flooding their systems with heroin and raping them repeatedly then I don’t imagine that there’s much that I can say to set you right.

What I am going to focus on is just how every idea in this soiled one-ply piece of toilet tissue is just so wrong. You want toxic ideas of what constitutes a “real” man? It’s all here! Want to see how a woman being a crazy, possessive stalker is really just how women show that they care? You better believe that’s in here! Fancy seeing the notion that lesbians aren’t cheating on one another if one of them sleeps with a man? I’m not sure if it was intentional, but it’s here! Forgotten that all a lesbian really wants out of life is a really big dick to fuck her endlessly? Let this pamphlet remind you of what may have slipped your mind!

While the first pamphlet really did nothing for me, this one made me angry. I lifted my head up to the heavens many times in the 20 minutes it took me to read this, praying that some higher power would give me answers, but none were forthcoming. Lacking divine guidance I’m not sure whether I should direct my anger at Ms Zen for perpetuating the ideas sprinkled so liberally throughout this pamphlet, or at the audience who will find nothing amiss about it.

My Final Rating: 1 / 10
Buy Horny Zombies Crave Tacos #2 at Amazon.com

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2016 in Book Review

 

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Movie Review: Boogeyman 3

Boogeyman 3

Released: 2008
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.9 / 10

As the day wore on I was ready to tackle the final stretch of my impromptu one-man mini-marathon. I went in knowing that this would likely be bad, given that I never trust a third installment of anything. I’ve been burned too many times before. But even my seasoned movie-watching bones weren’t quite ready for the sheer inadequacies that Boogeyman 3 decided it was going to pump out of my TV screen.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and what Boogeyman 2 brought to this attempt to create a film series Boogeyman 3 undid.

Consuela had really been slacking when it came to the cleaning.

Consuela had really been slacking when it came to the cleaning.

The Plot

Right, to make this work we’re going to have to rewrite history a little bit. Remember the second movie? You may think you do, but you don’t. While you may remember Dr Allen being vehemently opposed to the idea that there was any truth to the boogeyman story, he was actually very much a believer and was extremely worried about what this entity might do to his patients. Following his death he left his journal detailing his research into the boogeyman to his daughter Audrey, who now becomes the creature’s next target.

While seeking asylum at her friend Sarah’s dorm Audrey is killed by the boogeyman. Sarah witnessed the whole thing, but due to her own tenuous grasp on reality (something to do with her mother killing herself) she isn’t entirely sure what to believe and seeks the help of her five college stereotype friends to deal with the trauma of losing a dear friend. I’m not sure what help there’s to be found here since these six could be out-acted by an IKEA shelf, but this is where the movie thought it should take us.

Of course strange things start happening in the dorm following Audrey’s death, not least the “disappearance” of two of Sarah’s other friends. As time goes by Sarah becomes increasingly convinced that the boogeyman is real and, through a set of pseudo-premonitions, realises that the creature plans to massacre everyone that lives in the building. With reality slipping further and further away from her and her friends becoming increasingly convinced that she needs a warm cup of cocoa and a nice straitjacket, Sarah must race against the clock and find a way to defeat the boogeyman before all those that she loves end up pulled through spaces the human body wasn’t designed to squeeze through.

Sweety, the spine doesn't go that way.

Sweety, the spine doesn’t go that way.

The Visuals

Ugh, I hate the style that this film went for.

Much like the first movie Boogeyman 3 tries to go for a J-horror kind of feel, but even more so. The boogeyman is suddenly this bedraggled, long-haired, flashing in-and-out of reality thing that likes to roar a lot (a bit like the creatures in Pulse). My issue is that the creature design and the special effects used to make it appear and disappear just look cheap, so there was nothing about the monster that was scary.

The monster aside there were some cool moments, such as the entire dorm bleeding (very The Shining), which was nicely done and suitably creepy looking. These moments are few and far between, however, and the movie mostly relies on weak jump scares and the usual darkened cupboards with flickering lights. Seriously, can Americans not install lights in their cupboards that work all the time? It’s a concern.

The untold story of when an entire sorority's cycles sync up.

The untold story of when an entire sorority’s cycles sync up.

The Feelings

Bored stiff.

Boogeyman 3 is such an amateurish movie that I wouldn’t know where to begin taking it apart to explain all that was wrong. Between it’s completely generic plot, the nonsensical rewriting of the story from the first two films, its wooden cast and it’s reliance on a film style that had long since run its course, there really isn’t much that can redeem it. Perhaps its only saving grace is that there was some budget so it was at least filmed on a real set and they could afford all the fake blood that they needed.

At the end of the day I guess you just can’t mash together Pulse, The Grudge, The Shining and Urban Legend and have something half-decent come out at the other end. Now we know.

My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Boogeyman 3 at Amazon.com

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Posted by on July 15, 2016 in Movie Review

 

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