Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
IMDB Rating: 3.6 / 10
Some people would have you believe that everything’s fun when you soft science, but I’ve discovered something even better: imagine how much fun you can have when you have no science at all! If attempting a 1950s SCI-FI SPECTACULAR! has taught me anything it’s that it was much easier to make a sci-fi movie in the 50s – with nothing else to go on who was to say that the moon wasn’t inhabited by cat women? Hopefully not these cat women (because these cat women are useless), but cat women nevertheless…
It’s a time of unimaginable possibilities, and Earth has sent her first crew of astronauts to explore the moon. Laird Grainger, Kip Reissner, Doug Smith, Walt Walters and Helen Salinger may not have pants that are comfortable, attractive or in any way form-fitting, but they apparently have the wits to pull off this momentous mission (Helen also has an entire desk dedicated to makeup, what with her being a woman and all). Having destroyed only one piece of equipment and setting the lower deck of the spaceship on fire, they land safely on the moon and begin their exploration.
What they find is entirely unexpected – hidden in a cave on the dark side of the moon is a pocket of breathable air, in which dwells rather ridiculous looking spiders in addition to the eponymous cat women. Earth scientists could never have predicted the civilisation our barren little wanderer once harboured: two million years ago the moon was a lush paradise. Now, having lost much of its atmosphere, the eight remnant cat women are forced to live in a rather plush city deep within the discovered cave, the only place left on the home satellite that will still sustain life. They seem friendly and buxom enough, but like a real cat these women have far more nefarious plans in mind.
A telepathic race, the cat women have managed to take over Helen’s feeble female mind and are using her to gain control of the rocket ship. The plan is for three of them to escape back to Earth where they will be able to take control of the female population while subduing the males (death by snoo snoo, I imagine) and bring their dying race back from the brink of extinction. It will be up to the masculine crew in their really high trousers to subdue the cat women and save Earth from possible invasion. That is, if each can get over his really bizarre desire to make bland, lacklustre love to Helen…
The 50s tickle me, and not always in a good place.
Bless these people, they tried. That has to count for something. But when you can see the strings that are holding up the spiders, when the background that is the moon cave (and the whole of the moon, in fact) is a different shade of grey to the props, when the mysterious dot on Helen’s hand has been very clearly edited in using rudimentary means, and when the cat women are in outfits so tight yet so unflattering, everyone’s gonna be in for a bit of a rough ride.
The city of the cat women was done up well enough though. Perhaps a little lavish for a dying civilisation on a barren husk of a moon, but still pretty decent. You could probably get it for a steal when the cat women die off (I hear rumours that the property market on the moon isn’t exactly thriving).
The problem with Cat-Women of the Moon is that, at first glance, it doesn’t look like it knows where it wants to go. The further into its 64 minute run-time you get, you realise that your first impression was right. I sat there watching the timer count down wondering how the hell this was going to end (since it sure as hell didn’t look like it had the means to actually stage an invasion of Earth). Then the ending happens and I was like “yeah well, that does finish it off, I suppose”.
I guess since it has cat women and the moon it delivers on exactly what the title promises, but I can’t help but feel that a good film needs more than women in tight-fitting black clothing trying to dominate other women and using men for their own nefarious means. Well, certain films need more than that anyway.
My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Cat-Women of the Moon at Amazon.com