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Movie Review: Alone in the Dark

28 Dec

Alone in the Dark

Released: 2005
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.3 / 10

Mother fucker!

I’ve seen my fair share of utter and total crap. Be it for personal amusement or for the purposes of blogging (or both) I’ve done my time digging through the absolute pits of what cinema has to offer. Think of the most bizarre combinations of monsters, things and situations and I’ve probably watched a movie that somehow brought all of them together. But this… this… THIS piece of shit was something else entirely. I’ve never played any of the Alone in the Dark games, so there was never any real reason for me to watch it. Oh, I’d heard the stories, the awful accounts of those who had made it back after watching it, but hubris made me think that I was above it. “They were amateurs”, I thought. “There’s nothing you can’t handle”, I assured myself. I was wrong. And Tropical Mary and the Stygian Mole (who agreed to watch it with me) were equally wrong. We were not prepared. Nothing could have prepared us for the complete and utter bullshit that is Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark.

This is your brain on soft science.

This is your brain on soft science.

The Plot

Now, we must use the word “plot” here in its loosest sense. If you watch this movie something will be happening on your TV for approximately 90 minutes, but whether it can be dubbed a plot is another matter entirely.

10 000 years ago a technologically superior civilisation known as the Abkani were thriving somewhere in North America. These people, for whom no feat was deemed impossible, managed to discover and open a portal to another realm teeming with some kind of poorly CGI-based demon/alien. These monsters were the undoing of the Abkani, and now they’re coming for us.

In the present day Edward Carnby, a one-time orphan and all-round douchelord, is conducting research on Abkani artifacts. A former Bureau 713 agent (the secret US bureau set up with the sole job of studying ancient Abkani portals and hunting down demon/aliens), he’s well placed to solve the mysteries of this ancient lost civilisation and the monsters it discovered. Given the looseness of Bureau 713 agents’ tongues, however, I think most people would be in a position to conduct this research (no really, the Asian guy at the fish market must know about this crap by now), but since Edward’s got the most defined chest of the male cast and the biggest deep V, he’ll just have to do.

Elsewhere in this hodgepodge of a film are Aline, an archaeologist and Edward’s ex-girlfriend (and general nitwit), Richard Burke, one of Edward’s former rookies and now leader of the Bureau 713 goons, and several Professors and doctors of unknown specialisation. None of this really matters, because the movie makes absolutely no sense. Not a single lick of it. Things literally just happen with no cause or explanation, which in turn leads to more things happening without cause or explanation. There’s no character development, nothing to explain why the fucking Abkani went and opened portals to hell, nothing to tell us why Youssou N’Dour’s ‘7 Seconds’ is playing during the lone sex scene in the movie (although Tropical Mary and I have a theory). Nothing, nothing at all to make the 90 minutes pass by.

Nothing but our pain and the dust of the cheese puffs that we ate to try and numb the anguish.

She gives too much head.

She gives too much head.

The Visuals

Where was this movie’s alleged $20 million budget? Huh Uwe Boll? Where did you put it? Because you sure as shit didn’t use it to invest in blur-free cameras that don’t create a shadowing effect every time it pans round.

You also didn’t a fuck invest it in special effects. I’ve seen SyFy movies from 2005 that whipped up a better monster than what you were trying to offer! And the less said about the lighting on the guns when they were “fired” the better.

So if it wasn’t cameras and it wasn’t special effects, one might dare to dream that you invested the money on the stage settings and props, but no, Mr Boll, you didn’t do that either. I’ve seen 2nd graders come up with better masks that the crap you were trying to pull off as ancient Abkani. The Abkani weren’t even a real tribe, but somehow this drivel still manages to be disrespectful to their culture. And why, WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, did Edward’s bedroom at times double up as an add-on to the museum? Can you tell me that Uwe Boll? No, I didn’t think you could.

So you didn’t invest your budget in making the movie look good (and $20 million was a lot of money in 2005, Mr Boll), and I will not, not even for a nanosecond, accept that Christian Slater and Tara Reid needed that much money to appear in this film (and if they did, Mr Boll, you are an even bigger tit than I give you credit for). So where did it go? The people who were forced (by themselves) to sit through this movie demand answers!

If I ever see Uwe Boll in person...

If I ever see Uwe Boll in person…

The Feelings

SO FILLED WITH BLOOD-CURDLING RAGE!!!

I’ve felt anger at many a movie. It wasted my time, it was unseemly, it had great potential but squandered it; there’s a myriad of reasons why a movie can piss you off, but nothing compares to Alone in the Dark. It’s not the case that the components that make up the film don’t fit together, it’s literally that it doesn’t make a single bit of sense. There’s absolutely nothing to tell you what you’re looking at or why it’s happening, and in a feat that you wouldn’t think possible, this string of nonsensical events isn’t even pulled off convincingly. No one in this thing can really act and to make matters worse you can see that THEY don’t know what the fuck they’re meant to be doing, so how in God’s name is the audience meant to figure it out?

At some point all the copies of this film should just be rounded up and burned and digital copies purged from whatever unholy server offers them refuge.

My Final Rating: 0 / 10
Don’t Even Think About Buying Alone in the Dark at Amazon.com

TRAILER

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Posted by on December 28, 2015 in Movie Review

 

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