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Book Review: The Sex-Crazed Unicorns on Noah’s Ark

15 Dec

The Sex Crazed Unicorn on Noah's Ark

Author: Avery Dom Shifter
Genre: Erotica / Fantasy
Published: 2014

Sometimes Amazon likes to throw an unexpected gem at me. As I sat with my cup of coffee wading through the seemingly never-ending litany of incest-not-incest books that the erotica section was recommending (no seriously, it has to stop – there cannot be that many horny stepfathers and bad boy stepbrothers out there) my eye chanced upon The Sex-Crazed Unicorns on Noah’s Ark. The title alone was enough to make me get it (it was free, so why the hell not), but of all the things I was expecting from this what I was most surprised by is that it’s actually quite good. Whether you’ll get off on it is entirely a matter of personal taste, but Avery Dom Shifter has managed to pull together a decent story that’s remarkably well written.

The Plot

Seba’s not having a very good time at the moment. As Noah’s daughter-in-law there’s a lot of pressure on her to be part of the re-population of the post-flood Earth, but there’s a slight problem: Japeth, Noah’s son and Seba’s husband, is in love with a very manly basket weaver named Gomer. Noah won’t let Gomer onto the Ark, so Japeth is spending most of his days throwing hissy fits and hugging his lover’s very well-made baskets, leaving Seba a perpetual virgin.

Of the women on the boat Seba’s also the only one who seems to have any street smarts, so she’s charged with going off into the woods to find a unicorn by singing this ancient Sumerian song:

Come to me, oh horned beast, come to me my treasure.
Pierce me on your spiral horn and make me gasp with pleasure.
Spray me with your sparkling cum and fuck me at your leisure.
My cunt is hungry as a wolf, my lust too deep to measure.

Feeling like a bit of a tit since she can’t actually stand unicorns, Seba nevertheless manages to find a more docile one and bring it back to the Ark. Once on board and with the flood in full swing she discovers, however, that her hard-won unicorn is actually a Nephilite, a half-human, half-angel named Kenan. Kenan’s brother Irad also managed to sneak on board by disguising himself as one of the manticore. This means that unicorns and manticores will now die out, but good heavens are these majestic creatures about to sex the ever-loving daylights out of the Ark’s female passengers.

Except that the Nephilites are not just out for some sexy times on God’s mandated cruise – they want to kill all of the men on board and use the women as sex slaves to repopulate the Earth with Nephilite. Seba’s terrified out of her mind, but Ophir, wife of Ham, whilst not a particularly bright woman, assures her that she has a pussy that can bring death to anyone she wishes, and the two set off on a mission of orgiastic proportions and divine assassination attempts.

The Writing Style

I must say this, Avery Dom Shifter knows how to write. This little pamphlet has been written in a way that is both incredibly witty and (finally!) actually erotic.

Seba is a slut, there’s no doubt about that, but what I love is that she’s a sassy slut with some great one-liners, my personal favourite being:

See this? This is my pussy’s angry face!

The story is also very self-aware, and likes to throw a little shade at its source material:

“But Japeth’s a sodomite!” said Seba, even though Sodom had yet to be founded.

It’s little things like this that make me want to keep reading. I can admire a slut who knows herself and what she wants but also isn’t afraid to make use of a pussy of death if the situation really calls for it. Add to the general zaniness the fact that the author clearly understands the psychology of domination and weaves it into the story very effectively and what you’ve got is a very brief story that sets out to be both funny and sexy and succeeds at doing both.

The Feelings

Giggly.

Shifter angel domination doesn’t really check the boxes of the things that turn me on, but I’ll give credit to the author because I can see that for those who are into this kind of thing, you’re going to really enjoy it.

For me it was the dry comedy and wit that made this story one that’s worth reading. Anyone who can make a woman doing anal with an angel that has a scorpion tail humorous deserves all the praise in the world!

My Final Rating: 7 / 10
Buy The Sex-Crazed Unicorns on Noah’s Ark at Amazon.com

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Posted by on December 15, 2015 in Book Review

 

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