You know what, The Asylum? I am a good person, and I would defend the movies you make to anyone who says that they don’t really have a place on people’s TVs, but this, this, was just painful. I’ve seen Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus and Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark and those showed so much b-movie promise that I had hopes for this franchise. But then you go and put this out and tarnish the good-bad name you’ve made for the mega sharks of this world and, in doing so, you really upset Tropical Mary. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
The ongoing megalodon attacks continue to wreak havoc on the world’s economy as oceanic travel becomes near impossible and flying carries with it the risk of a mega shark leaping out of the ocean and eating the plane. Just when the apparently super-powered United Nations thought it had killed every last megalodon in existence one little bastard had to go and procreate through parthenogenesis, leaving the world once again in a deadly dance against the mega shark. Kind of like Dance Dance Revolution but with nuclear weapons. This dance shall be led by Dr Alison Gray, a marine biologist out to save and study the megalodon, and Joshua Dane, a multimillionaire businessman whose intentions may not be as altruistic as they first appear (this isn’t a spoiler, the pornstache gives this away right from the get-go).
Entirely separate to this Moira King, a CIA agent whose attempt at an Asian accent makes it sound like she’s a little touched in the head, has infiltrated a group of people trying to make contact with some Russian mercenaries (who can’t hold their accents for any extended period of time) in order to illegally purchase a little red mercury. As the transaction’s going down they accidentally awaken the Kolossus, a Russian Cold War-era weapon that now has its eye on the destruction of the world. With the help of Spencer, an oddly buff office worker from the CIA, Moira will have to track down the Kolossus’ inventor while teaming up with Alison Gray when the Kolossus and the Mega Shark get into a bit of a tussle over who exactly has carte blanche over Earth’s total annihilation.
Prepare yourself for a middling showdown of unexceptional proportions!
It’s The Asylum so one shouldn’t expect wonders, but good on them for getting their graphics up to early PS3 levels. There’s a whole lot of technology that the movie tries to throw at you (some of which, I’m fairly certain, isn’t so much technology as it is black magic), and it’s a lot of fun to watch Joshua Dane pretend to use a holographic keyboard. It looks like he’s conducting a little orchestra in his head.
The main problem with Mega Shark VS Kolossus is that it’s clear as day that the Kolossus part of the storyline was originally meant to be its own movie that for reasons unknown got tacked onto a Mega Shark movie. While both the Kolossus and the shark get about a 50/50 share of screen time there’s no actual VSing going on until you hit the last 20 minutes of the movie.
The two plot points also in no way gel with one another: the Mega Shark half of the movie is concerned with ecological balance and the Kolossus part is concerned with espionage and Russian doomsday weapons. Given that there’s no attempt to bring these stories together until the very end (which is done in a very half-baked manner) means that you spend the hour and a half between opening and closing credits switching between two separate movies.
No one watches an Asylum movie in the hopes of being wowed by its intelligence or thought-provoking stories and characters, but this didn’t even succeed at being fun and mindless to watch. It’s a megalodon and a bionic weapon of mass destruction for god’s sake, how hard do you have to work to suck that premise dry of all fun and insanity?! I’m not sure how they did it, but the maker’s of this film succeeded in turning an awesomely terrible concept into a painful trudge from beginning to end.
My Final Rating: 3 / 10
Buy Mega Shark VS Kolossus at Amazon.com